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Long Time Jokes

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

I’ve been a follower of r/jokes for a long time so here are some of my favorite ones:

One, uno, eins, un.

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A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave...

There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to...

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?

A subwoofer

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...

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Joe suffers from chronic headaches for a long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

An Engineer was jobless for long time...

He could not find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a board outside.. get treatment for $50, if not treated get back $100.

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $100 and goes to clinic.

Doctor : I have lost taste in eating

Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from...

I had been digging for a long time today.

Down in the hole I found a box full of Silver coins!
In the excitement I ran back indoors to tell my wife.
Then I remembered why I was digging the hole...

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

I dated a zombie a long time ago

When we broke up, she fell apart

Why does galvanization take such a long time?

I don't know, but I think it's starting to zinc in!

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After deliberating for a long time, Kanye finally decided that Kim can no longer get new butt injections.

He's putting a cap on that ass.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down ...

A long time ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time...

but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"

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10 years is a long time.

One day, this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," He thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, even a raft.

Suddenly...

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Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

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I waited a long time for my testicles to descend

When one finally did I had an inaugural ball

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

It took a long time to teach my nephew that violence is never ever the answer.

I think I finally beat it into him.

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Why do people take a long time crapping in public bathrooms?

Because they’re stalling!

A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

Everything was going fine, until this one day.

In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the...

What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles In a long time?

A trophy

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

Did you hear about the guy who travelled to Czechoslovakia and wasn't allowed to leave for a long long time?

Poor guy. They made a movie about him: 12 Years A Slav.

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A long, long time ago, a boy asks his father how we acquire our names.

The father replies "Well some people are named after what they do. John Butcher is a butcher, Michael Baker is a baker. Now, me, I do many things around town for many people. I help the wood workers, but they don't call me Bill Carpenter, do they? No. I help on the wheat fields, but they don't call ...

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I agonized about this question for a long time, until threw up my hands in frustration.

"Why the fuck did I eat them?"

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An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder

I expect the Musk-Twitter feud to take a really long time to resolve

I mean, one should expect Elon-gate to drag out

In the 90s it was easy to go into an upscale restaurant with your clone. That was a long time ago.

I must be dating myself

A long time ago in Judaea...

There's a woman buried up to her neck in the sand, and angry villagers are eagerly waiting with sticks and stones.

But! There comes a man, and he's beautiful and charismatic, and when he speaks, everybody listens. So he speaks and he concludes "he who never sinned throweth the first stone", a...

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

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Bill and Joe hadn't seen each other in a long time and run in to each other in town.

After greetings and handshakes, Joe says to Bill, "you look like you've lost a lot of weight, have you been sick?

Bill "yes, I have terrible allergies, and every time I sneeze, I ejaculate."

Joe "Oh no, what do you take for that?"

Bill "ragweed!"

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided...

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A long time...

A school class was given the homework over the weekend to learn about the word contagious.

Come Monday the teacher calls on little Becky to stand in front of the class and use the word contagious in a sentence.

"My Daddy is a Biomedical Engineer and says that Covid-19 is a contagious d...

My friend lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that he heard that made sense in English.

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.

The governor: Fine people...I don't know.

Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?

Farmer: I'm a farmer.

Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the gov...

Two long time friends meet at the gym.

After they finish working out they go into the locker room to shower and change clothes. One guy looks over and sees his friend putting on a thong and he says since when do you wear women’s underwear? The other guy says since my wife found them in the glove compartment.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, fi...

France just did something that they couldn't do for a long time

They won something in Russia.

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Two friends meet after a long time...

Two friends meet after a long time. One of them asks the other:
"How's your sexlife?"
He responds: "Pretty crazy actually, i'm doing it with twins".
"Wow", the first one says, "isn't this complicated? How do you tell the two apart?"

"Oh that's easy, Lisa has a birthmark on her thigh ...

After a long time, I told my neighbor how I felt...

Now we’re teaching a hatmaking class together.

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It’s been a really long time since I had sex

I put a semen sample under a microscope and my little guys looked like frogs.

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A long time ago in China, man decided to marry a concubine.

But he insisted the new woman be a virgin. Someone suggested that after he found a suitable woman, on their wedding night he should show her his penis. If she didn't know what it was, that would mean she was truly virginal.

So on the wedding night his pulled out his penis and showed it to t...

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There was an old couple who hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long time,,,

*There was an old couple who hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room, her husband yelled, "You ca...

Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income

Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: W...

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An old Joke i heard a long time ago

Little jimmy was sitting in his room and playing with his train. His mother is was in the room next to him and she heard him say “This is the train conductor , all you Assholes and fucks get on the train. His mother was horrified of what her little boy was saying. So the next day she waited again an...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

How do you ensure what you want to say is stored for free for a long time?

Put it on r/jokes and it'll be reposted till you need it again.

Went to see my chiropractor for the first time in a long time.

First thing he said when I walked into his office was "Glad to see your back!"

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My wife always takes a long time to shower after we watch a Chris Pratt movie.

I don't know what she's doing in there but it gives me enough time to jerk off to him.

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One day, a long long time ago, there lived a woman who did not wine, nag, or bitch...

But that was a long time ago,

and It was just one day.

Doctor: " Good morning, Mrs Farokh. Haven't seen you for a long time."

Mrs Farokh: " I know, doctor. It's because I've been ill."

I used to make some real zingers a long time ago.

But then KFC fired me because I made a whopper.

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What is the first round of sex after a long time called?

The lightning round.

What do french fries do when they met after a long time?

They ketchup

Two tomatoes finally reunite after a long time...

They catch up.

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The best joke I have heard in a long time

A lady walks into a grocery store looking for tomatoes and can't seem to find any, so she goes to ask a store clerk.

Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?

Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out

Lady: You don't understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in th...

For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...

When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.

Apparently she stood him up.

I haven’t felt nostalgia for anything in a long time.

I remember all those times I used to, man those were good times.

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I was unable to beat my masturbation addiction for a long time...

But now that I named my penis "masturbation addiction" its become surprising easy...

A long time worker at a coca cola just lost his job

He is soda pressed now.

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Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

I've got an ADHD joke that I wanted to post for a long time

I forgot what it was

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A long time ago, a bear and a hare were fighting in the forest...

Suddenly a magic frog appeared and begged them to stop fighting. In return, the magic frog would grant the bear and the hare three wishes each. The bear and the hare agreed to the terms.

The bear started immediately: "I wish, I wish that all the bears in this forest, except me, will become fe...

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised

I had no idea he was a barber

Son: Dad! Long time no see!

Dad: ”I know this one!!! Entury!”

Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet?

because they can spend years at C!

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

Just wanted to share an old joke I read a long time back.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson once go camping. In the middle of the night, Watson is woken up violently by Sherlock. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." "The stars are shining so beautifully tonight." To which Sherlock replies,"No, you idiot! Our tent's been stolen."

This mindfulness app is taking a long time to download

It’s really stressing me out...I should really meditate or something.

My book on Nordic cultures is taking a long time to write

I don’t think I’ll ever make it to the Finnish.

Asurgeon had been a long time hunting

"Dammit I didn't kill anything" he exclaimed when he got back to the hospital. "I should've just stayed here" he muttered.

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A woman hasnt had sex in a long time (LONG)

A woman, named Ethel and in her 30's, is out with her girlfriends at a bar. Eventually, talk turns to sex and there are some laughs and sly whispers. Except Ethel starts silently crying.

Her girlfriends ask what is wrong.

"I haven't had sex in more than three years!", Ethel sobs.
...

For a long time, I’ve been trying to understand roundabouts.

It feels like I’m just going in circles.

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

A long time ago, the king of a small castle, King Joe, went missing.

The queen sent the guards looking for him in the nearby villages, but they could not find the king. They searched far and wide, traveling for many days until they happened upon a small town. They asked the local townspeople if they had seen King Joe. "Ah yes" , exclaimed a farmer, and directed them...

My sister has been pregnant for a long time...

It seems like a maternity.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

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[NSFW] It took me a long time to realize that

Oral sex does not mean talking about it.

Long time ago we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings.

Now we have countries...

What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?

Slow clap.

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just...

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

A Latino was standing in line for a long time

While waiting for a Super-Deluxe Juicinator 9000TM, A Latin man was casually strumming a small ukulele to pass the time for the sale.

After a couple of hours, the man is at the counter with 3 other people nearby; one has AirPods, the second is uncomfortably close to the counter, while the th...

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I have suffered from an annoying medical condition for a long time.

During sex, when I am just about to come, I suffer from shortness of breath, running nose and I burst into tears. The symptoms turned gradually so bad I had to consult a doctor. Today he called - the lab results were finally ready. It turns out that I am apparently terribly allergic to capsaisin spr...

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

Two friends meet after a long time.

and begin catching up on old times.

Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"

Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."

Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told he...

A hearty laugh after a long time.

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license....

If you haven't been to church in a long time, does Jesus treat you like your mom when you sneak home after curfew...?

"***My*** Father and I were worried sick!"

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Two long time friends are having a beer in a Pittsburgh bar.

One says "So this morning, when I was buying the ticket here, the woman behind the counter had the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. Like they were huge and perfect. I just wanted to put my face in between 'em. When she asked me what I wanted, I was startled and blurted out 'I'll need one picke...

A man has been unemployed for a long time...

finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the...

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A sailor walked into a bar after a long time at sea.

Desperate to get down to business, he walked up to a sexy blonde and asked, “Hey baby, do you like sea men?”

She replied, “Not really. Too salty!”

My long time girlfriend told me that if we ever get married she has her wedding dress picked out.

I said, that's good. I have my wedding shorts picked out too.

Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle.

Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive.

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After My wife passed away it took a long time for me to be able to have sex with another woman.

I guess I had mourning wood.

Forever is a long time... but when does one ever end?

One-ever you want!

I have been wondering for a long time, what unfaithful women eat.

Food for thot.

Three men were lost on an island for a long time

They found a genie who offered a wish for each one of them

The first one wished to go back to home

The second wished the same

The third one said "are they gonna leave me like that?" So he wished that the two others return to the island

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This horse and chicken have been good pals for a long time.

So there’s this horse and a chicken, they’ve been friends…good pals for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?” Horse explains “I’...

It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect

What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?

A long time ago, a father, visiting America from Europe for...

...the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store.

He constantly asked questions about products he saw: "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice.'"

A few minutes later, in...

I finally killed the boss I’ve been trying to kill for a long time.

I was so happy, but I think my coworkers might have been a bit shocked.

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