What has a tattoo of a dragon squeaks when you eat it?

Halloumi Rapace.

How did the Mediterranean man stop the hinge from squeaking?

He used a little Greece.

What do you call a Chinese despot who squeaks when he talks?

Mousey Tongue

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

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Tracy is invited to her new boyfriends house for dinner.

She is very nervous because this will be her first time meeting his family. She enters the house and meets the family, however she is still
very uneasy about the whole experience. She really likes her new boyfriend and wants to make a great first impression. 

They all sit at the table wh...

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

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The Farmers Daughter

Three college guys were driving in a car when it broke down way out in the boondocks. Two of them were normal enough but the third was kind of simple, and they looked out for him.

When their car broke down, they walked to the nearest farm house. It was freezing rain, so they asked if they cou...

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A man goes to the doctor for a concern,

“Doctor, when I have sex with my wife, I hear squeaking!” he says.

“How old are you?” asks the doctor.

“60, why?” says the man.

The doctor goes “Well, what do you expect to hear? Applause?!”

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A man has a parrot that likes to swear.

One night, a girl he's been dating for a while, is coming over to his place. So he grabs the parrot by the neck and tells him

"Listen you little shit, no swearing tonight, alright!? Also I will tie two string on your legs, and when the girl pull one of them I want you to come up with a compl...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

What’s a mouse’s favorite game?

Hide and squeak.

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

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Bowser, get over here!

A young man is at his girlfriend's house for the first time to meet her parents. He's sitting down at a table with her mother and they chit chat for a little, and suddenly the young man realizes that he really needs to fart. He thinks that he could just squeak it out real quiet and nobody will notic...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

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A fable

The mouse was fleeing from the cat. She ran up to the cow and said "Cow, please help me, for the cat is chasing me and if she catches me, surely she shall eat me!"

The cow turned her back to the mouse and dropped a huge, steaming cowpat on top of the mouse so it was fully covered right all th...

Two friends get a parrot

Two friends get a parrot, but aren't sure what to name it.

The one friend, Bill says "We should name it Bill Jr."

"We should name it Bill Jr" the Parrot squeaked

Bill rolled his eyes "Stupid parrot"

"Stupid parrot" the Parrot squeaked

Clive liked the name "Kiwi" an...

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

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The S’wan (long)

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, run by a few gruff sisters.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. T...

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

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Crap

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.

S...

A man asks for a beer in a deep bass voice...

...the bartender, in an equally deep voice, says, "Here you go."

I moment later, a man next to him says, in a high, squeaky voice, "I'll have a beer, too."

The bartender replies, also in a high squeaky voice, "Here you go."

"Hey," says the squeaky-voiced man, "Are you making fun...

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A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. The...

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A young boy asks the girl of his dreams to prom.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Just the sight of her turned his stomach into a butterfly exhibit and caused his heart to melt through his chest. She was the sweetest, funniest, and nicest girl he had ever met. She was truly an angel. However, as is the case with most guys when try...

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

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The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

Three women escape from a prison and take refuge in an old barn.

The barn is almost empty, except for three old wooden barrels. The police are closing in on them, so they decide they will each hide in a barrel.

After a while the police arrive and start to search the barn. A police office kicks the fist barrel, with a brunette woman inside.

“Meooooow...

Surprise! A blonde joke!

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde are all running from the police. They come across a barn and decide it’s the best place to hide. Once inside, they find a few empty burlap sacks. The police arrive after just a few minutes. Their dogs quickly move the officers towards the burlap sacks where these c...

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

What does it mean if you were born in September?

That your parents started the new year with a bang!

\*squeaking bed sound in distance*

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One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

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Pop my Cherry

A man was driving down a remote road when his car broke down. There was no cell service so he walked to the nearest farm. He was approached by a farmer.

“How can I help you?” asked the farmer.

“Can I use a phone, my car broke down?”

“All the phones are down, I can drive you i...

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Fresh recruits are lined up at bootcamp waiting to meet their new Seargent.

Out walked this absolut unit of a marine carrying a big black duffel bag. He sets the bag down and yells,
“Do you know what it means to be a marine! You gotta be tough! Do you wanna see what tough is?!"
And with that he unzips the bag and pulls out an alligator. While he's wrestling with the ...

Why did the rubber ducky got to the bathroom?

He had to take a squeak.

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A young boy uses the bathroom in school and wipes his ass with his hand when there's no toilet paper...

... Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the shit.

The teacher notices and asks him, "what do you have in your hand?"

"Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "It's a little leprechaun."

"Now don't lie to me, show me wha...

Death or Buka?

Three explorers are out exploring the jungle. Suddenly, they are captured by the native people who live there. They are tied up and brought before the chief of the tribe.

The chief looks the first man in the eye and asks him,
"Death or buka?"
The man, not knowing what buka is, but dec...

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

Lourdes

A bar raises $1000 to take a wheelchair bound patron to Lourdes in the hope for a miracle cure.
They get there and dip the man and the wheelchair into the fountain. They pray for his problem to be fixed and when he come up. Hay presto.
The wheels on his chair have stopped squeaking.

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God gets on a bus. He sits down next to a nun.

"Hello," He greets the nun.

She is shocked, but manages to squeak out a "Hi".

God turns around, and suddenly sees the bus driver. He is the most beautiful man God has ever seen.

"He is beautiful." God whispers.

The nun, hearing this, gets an idea. "D- do you want to have...

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A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer

It's September 1793, in Paris, France. A crowd of several thousand has gathered at the Place de la Concorde.

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are lined up for execution. All three women are accused of conspiring against the Revolutionary government.

Nodding to the smiling crowd, the ...

I tried communicating with a mouse

But, I couldn't squeak her language.

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A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest..

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest and they find a genie's magic lamp. Stoked on life, they pick up the lamp and rub it. Out comes the, who bellows "you may have three wishes each."
The bear makes the first wish. "Guys, ive got it. I wish that every bear in this forest was female,...

The Real Three Bears

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes down stairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It’s empty. "Who’s been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in hi...

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Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's...

So a Doctor walks into a bar...

As he takes a seat at the bar, he looks up in confusion wondering why he can't locate the bartender and whether or not he should be concerned by the mouse perched behind the bar looking him dead in the eye. The mouse squeaks, "What'll you have, doc?" Taken aback and considering the possibility of ha...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

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No arms. No legs.

One day a girl decides to go running on the beach. She comes across a man with no arms and no legs laying in the sand. The man is sobbing uncontrollably, so the girl asks him "why are you crying sir?". The nugget man controls his tears and says "I've never been hugged before". So the girl picks him ...

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Another bar joke...

Man walks into a bar. He notices a jar with money in it over the bar. He asks the bartender what the money's for.

Bartender says, "Oh, we've got ourselves a contest here, y'see...You pay $10, but if you beat all 3 challenges, you win all the money."

"What's the contest?" the man asks.<...

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A bald man with a frog on his head walks in to a doctor

Before the doc manages to ask, the frog squeaks:
"Something got stuck to my arse."

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An 80 year old man visits a brothel looking for a "date"...

but all of the girls are busy, so the madame takes him to her room. Eventually, after the lights go out, the unmistakable sounds of a great and furious copulation are heard. He was huffing and puffing, she was screaming and pleading, the floor was creaking ,and the bed was squeaking, until at last, ...

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A scrawny guy get sent to jail...

He's put in his cell and his cellmate stands up.

And continues to stand up. He keeps getting taller and wider, taller and wider. He's massive...like a lineman ate a running back. He leans over the scrawny guy and says...

"You know how this works?"

"No," the scrawny guy squeak...

A construction worker goes to the foreman and says "Sir, there's something wrong with the wheelbarrow"

The foreman says "What do you mean?" and the worker says "Well, when I push it, it goes 'Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... ' "

The foreman says "You're fired!" and the worker says "What for?"

"Because," says the foreman, "it shoul...

The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck ...

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A Man and An Octopus Walk Into a Bar...

A man an an Octopus walk into a bar. They sit down and the man orders a beer. A few minutes go by and the bar tender says "I gotta ask, what's the deal with the Octopus?". The man replies "Well, he plays instruments". The bar tender laughs, to which the customer replies, "I bet you a free tab that t...

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Animal sounds

Cats go meow

Rats go squeak

Dogs go woof

Pigs go "Put your hands on your fucking head unless you wanna be shot in your fucking skull!"

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A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

An Englishmen, Irishmen, and Scotsman are all running from the law...

They all turn down an alley only to find a dead end. The Englishmen quickly jumps into a dustbin, the Scotsman gets into a crate, and the Irishmen climbs into a sack. Just at that moment the police turn up and start looking for them.

The policemen kicks the dustbin, and the Englishmen goes "...

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Duke!

A guy invites his Gf to meet his parents
During dinner she has gas but a stroke
Of good luck has put the family dog directly at her feet.
So without delay she let's out a loud squeak.
"Duke." The father says in a stern voice.
Feeling relieved, she decides to let the rest out and be ...

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Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde rob a bank and lose the cops long enough to find a place to hide.

They drive until they find an empty barn, ditch their car, and duck inside just as they start to hear sirens. The brunette hides in a barrel, the redhead hides in a haystack, and the blonde hides in a burlap sack, and shortly thereafter, a police officer comes into the barn to search for them.
...

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The fly and the Hunter(long)

One day, there was a fly, hovering just a couple inches above a stream. Wouldn't you know a fish was sitting just below the fly thinking to himself, "Hey! if that fly drops just a couple inches I'm gonna jump up and eat that thing"

As this was happening, a bear was watching the fish watch the...

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