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Her best feature [nsfw]

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Lourdes

A bar raises $1000 to take a wheelchair bound patron to Lourdes in the hope for a miracle cure.
They get there and dip the man and the wheelchair into the fountain. They pray for his problem to be fixed and when he come up. Hay presto.
The wheels on his chair have stopped squeaking.

Where did mice go and drink in the prohibition era?

At the squeak-easy.

Surprise! A blonde joke!

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde are all running from the police. They come across a barn and decide it’s the best place to hide. Once inside, they find a few empty burlap sacks. The police arrive after just a few minutes. Their dogs quickly move the officers towards the burlap sacks where these c...

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Fresh recruits are lined up at bootcamp waiting to meet their new Seargent.

Out walked this absolut unit of a marine carrying a big black duffel bag. He sets the bag down and yells,
“Do you know what it means to be a marine! You gotta be tough! Do you wanna see what tough is?!"
And with that he unzips the bag and pulls out an alligator. While he's wrestling with the ...

Why did the rubber ducky got to the bathroom?

He had to take a squeak.

The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

Two friends get a parrot

Two friends get a parrot, but aren't sure what to name it.

The one friend, Bill says "We should name it Bill Jr."

"We should name it Bill Jr" the Parrot squeaked

Bill rolled his eyes "Stupid parrot"

"Stupid parrot" the Parrot squeaked

Clive liked the name "Kiwi" an...

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One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

How do you stop a nuclear bomb from squeaking...?

...WMD40.

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

Three women escape from a prison and take refuge in an old barn.

The barn is almost empty, except for three old wooden barrels. The police are closing in on them, so they decide they will each hide in a barrel.

After a while the police arrive and start to search the barn. A police office kicks the fist barrel, with a brunette woman inside.

“Meooooow...

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Pop my Cherry

A man was driving down a remote road when his car broke down. There was no cell service so he walked to the nearest farm. He was approached by a farmer.

“How can I help you?” asked the farmer.

“Can I use a phone, my car broke down?”

“All the phones are down, I can drive you i...

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A young boy asks the girl of his dreams to prom.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Just the sight of her turned his stomach into a butterfly exhibit and caused his heart to melt through his chest. She was the sweetest, funniest, and nicest girl he had ever met. She was truly an angel. However, as is the case with most guys when try...

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

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[NSFW] A man goes to see the doctor

He approaches the receptionist and asks her:

"Is your work covered by my insurance"

The receptionist checks the paperwork and tells him:
"Oh yea sir. Your insurance will cover this. No problem"

He is seated in the waiting room and waits until the receptionist asks him to co...

Death or Buka?

Three explorers are out exploring the jungle. Suddenly, they are captured by the native people who live there. They are tied up and brought before the chief of the tribe.

The chief looks the first man in the eye and asks him,
"Death or buka?"
The man, not knowing what buka is, but dec...

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A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. The...

I tried communicating with a mouse

But, I couldn't squeak her language.

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God gets on a bus. He sits down next to a nun.

"Hello," He greets the nun.

She is shocked, but manages to squeak out a "Hi".

God turns around, and suddenly sees the bus driver. He is the most beautiful man God has ever seen.

"He is beautiful." God whispers.

The nun, hearing this, gets an idea. "D- do you want to have...

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Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's...

The 3 Bears

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in hi...

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A young boy uses the bathroom in school and wipes his ass with his hand when there's no toilet paper...

... Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the shit.

The teacher notices and asks him, "what do you have in your hand?"

"Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "It's a little leprechaun."

"Now don't lie to me, show me wha...

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A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer

It's September 1793, in Paris, France. A crowd of several thousand has gathered at the Place de la Concorde.

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are lined up for execution. All three women are accused of conspiring against the Revolutionary government.

Nodding to the smiling crowd, the ...

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A bald man with a frog on his head walks in to a doctor

Before the doc manages to ask, the frog squeaks:
"Something got stuck to my arse."

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Another bar joke...

Man walks into a bar. He notices a jar with money in it over the bar. He asks the bartender what the money's for.

Bartender says, "Oh, we've got ourselves a contest here, y'see...You pay $10, but if you beat all 3 challenges, you win all the money."

"What's the contest?" the man asks.<...

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A scrawny guy get sent to jail...

He's put in his cell and his cellmate stands up.

And continues to stand up. He keeps getting taller and wider, taller and wider. He's massive...like a lineman ate a running back. He leans over the scrawny guy and says...

"You know how this works?"

"No," the scrawny guy squeak...

A construction worker goes to the foreman and says "Sir, there's something wrong with the wheelbarrow"

The foreman says "What do you mean?" and the worker says "Well, when I push it, it goes 'Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... ' "

The foreman says "You're fired!" and the worker says "What for?"

"Because," says the foreman, "it shoul...

So a Doctor walks into a bar...

As he takes a seat at the bar, he looks up in confusion wondering why he can't locate the bartender and whether or not he should be concerned by the mouse perched behind the bar looking him dead in the eye. The mouse squeaks, "What'll you have, doc?" Taken aback and considering the possibility of ha...

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A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest..

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest and they find a genie's magic lamp. Stoked on life, they pick up the lamp and rub it. Out comes the, who bellows "you may have three wishes each."
The bear makes the first wish. "Guys, ive got it. I wish that every bear in this forest was female,...

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No arms. No legs.

One day a girl decides to go running on the beach. She comes across a man with no arms and no legs laying in the sand. The man is sobbing uncontrollably, so the girl asks him "why are you crying sir?". The nugget man controls his tears and says "I've never been hugged before". So the girl picks him ...

The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck ...

April fool!

While at work, right in a quite important meeting of some sort, Rick's mobile phone rings. Anxious because he knows what might be the reason behind this call, he answers the phone, only to jump up some seconds later, breathlessly take his coat and hat, squeaking some excuses to his smiling boss, has...

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An 80 year old man visits a brothel looking for a "date"...

but all of the girls are busy, so the madame takes him to her room. Eventually, after the lights go out, the unmistakable sounds of a great and furious copulation are heard. He was huffing and puffing, she was screaming and pleading, the floor was creaking ,and the bed was squeaking, until at last, ...

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Animal sounds

Cats go meow

Rats go squeak

Dogs go woof

Pigs go "Put your hands on your fucking head unless you wanna be shot in your fucking skull!"

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

An Englishmen, Irishmen, and Scotsman are all running from the law...

They all turn down an alley only to find a dead end. The Englishmen quickly jumps into a dustbin, the Scotsman gets into a crate, and the Irishmen climbs into a sack. Just at that moment the police turn up and start looking for them.

The policemen kicks the dustbin, and the Englishmen goes "...

Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

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Duke!

A guy invites his Gf to meet his parents
During dinner she has gas but a stroke
Of good luck has put the family dog directly at her feet.
So without delay she let's out a loud squeak.
"Duke." The father says in a stern voice.
Feeling relieved, she decides to let the rest out and be ...

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A Man and An Octopus Walk Into a Bar...

A man an an Octopus walk into a bar. They sit down and the man orders a beer. A few minutes go by and the bar tender says "I gotta ask, what's the deal with the Octopus?". The man replies "Well, he plays instruments". The bar tender laughs, to which the customer replies, "I bet you a free tab that t...

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A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde rob a bank and lose the cops long enough to find a place to hide.

They drive until they find an empty barn, ditch their car, and duck inside just as they start to hear sirens. The brunette hides in a barrel, the redhead hides in a haystack, and the blonde hides in a burlap sack, and shortly thereafter, a police officer comes into the barn to search for them.
...

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