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Pervert Jokes

(NSFW) How do you lure a pervert?

Just add the NSFW tag.

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

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Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.

He was watching pornography over my shoulder.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

A feather vs the whole chicken.

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

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[NSFW] The nun and the pervert

Jeff was on his morning commute when a beautiful young nun walked on. He couldn't help himself and began trying to flirt with the nun, who just sat there in silence and got off at the next stop.

The bus driver overheard Jeff's attempts and decided to let him in on a secret.

"She prays...

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Why'd the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

The devil is surprised one day to find a habitual liar, a pervert, an idiot and a man in a wheelchair entering hell.

Still, he keeps his professional demeanor and extends a warm welcome saying, "Greetings, Representative Cawthorn. You're just in time, the daily GOP cocaine orgy is just beginning."

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I be...

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Pervert.

I am really pissed off with the pervert who jumped my fence last night and stole a pair of my wife's panties off of the clothes line, enough is enough, you can keep the panties, but please return the 26 pegs.

A pervert was cruising the neighborhood in his van one afternoon when he saw a little boy playing in a cubby house in a front yard.

He wound down his window and said "Hey little boy, if I give you a candy, will you let me come inside your cubby house?" to which the boy replied "If you give me the whole packet you can come inside my mouth!"

What is a pervert’s favorite kind of stationery?

A Barely Legal Pad

What does a pervert donkey put in his Tinder profile?

I eat ass

3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat

2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.

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Someone spray painted "Pervert Lives Here" on my garage door.

Fucking vandals wasting my time.

I just opened it and there was nobody inside.

How do you trick a pervert?

Like this.

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How are kinky, exotic, and perverted sex different?

Kinky is when you tickle your lover's ass with a feather.
Exotic is when you use the whole chicken.
Perverted is when your lover is the chicken

What does a perverted ghost say?

Booooobs.

What e-wallet do perverts use?

Touch 'n Go

Is President Trump as big of a pervert as President Clinton?

Close but no cigar.

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My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

I walked in and caught *her* masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

There's no justice in this world.

Is my wife a pervert?

So I was standing looking out my bedroom window whipping one off to my neighbors gorgeous wife who was sunbathing, when I turned around to see my wife standing there looking at me! So my question is do yous think she’s some sort of pervert?

What's the best way to get a perverts attention?

Put an nsfw tag on your post.

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Pervert Bear and Genious rabbit

A bear hunts a rabbit in the forest. After several hours of running, they arrive in a clearing with a large rock in the center, and on top of this rock stands a golden frog. Surprised, they approach and the frog starts talking to them:
" For having found me, I grant you 3 wishes each."
The b...

What do you call 100 perverts in a park?

A Flash Mob!

*EDIT* Set-up should have been "What do you call 100 perverts in trenchcoats?"

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What's a pervert's favorite game?

Peek-a-boob.

Did you hear the one about the sneaky pervert?

They never saw him coming.

Why did the pervert moved to Switzerland?

Because he likes to watch.

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What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?

A seat belt you pervert

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Why did the pervert take a telescope into the bathroom?

Because he wanted to see Uranus.

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Which occupation is the most perverted?

Electrician - they’re always looking for strippers

How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.

How did the pervert find the sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

Got fired from my job yesterday for being a pervert...

I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...

I was accosted by a bunch of perverts on the subway...

I had to beat them off.

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After I did a Rorschach test, the therapist said I was a pervert.

That’s unfair. He’s the one with the dirty pictures.

What's the difference between a pervert and a dead bee?

One is a seedy beast and the other is a bee deceased.

What kind of shoes do perverts wear?

White Vans

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

Cause he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken!

(Rik Mayall should have credit for that one. One of his warm up jokes during the taping of 'Bottom'. RIP)

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What satisfies a pervert as well as an ornithologist?

A pair of great tits.

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I can't believe how many perverts

I can't believe how many perverts there are in the park nowadays, I only just strolled through, and literally everyone kept staring at my penis.

Hermann Rorschach was a total pervert

You should see the stuff he used to paint.

Why do perverts love Pokemon?

Because they can catch a Pikachu.

Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of water?

2 gals 1 cup

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Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert.

Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!

Today this pervert offered me a taco to see me naked. So I replied...

What do I have to do to get a burrito?

My girlfriend called me a pervert and a terrible historian

I said, "I am not a terrible historian....ask me the fate of Henry VIII's wife's". "Go on then" she replied.

...

"Divorced

Beheaded

Died

Divorced

Beheaded

Creampied"

What's the difference between a theif and a pervert?

A thief snatches your watch, a pervert watches your snatch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pervert say to the aviarist?

Nice tits

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

Hotel receptionists always seem to be such massive perverts

They spend all day checking people out.

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Pervert at the shoe store

A man gets home from work to find his wife furiously pacing the house. As soon as he's through the door, she starts frantically telling him about her experience at the shoe store that day.



"I was at the shoe store today and I decided to try on this cute pair of pumps. When the clerk...

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A man goes down to a ranch to look at a horse

The rancher brings out a beautiful mare.

"Can I see her teeth?" The man asks nicely.

"Sure thing!" Says the rancher and opens her lips to show off her perfect teeth.

"Bautiful! Can I see her tail and hooves?" The man asks.

"By all means, partner!" Replied the rancher an...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

I’ve been called a pervert. I’ve been banned from the mall. I’ve even gotten a few restraining orders, but I won’t let that stop me.

Come hell or high water, I’m gonna figure out Victoria’s Secret.

What’s a perverted dentists favourite part of an appointment?

The cavity search

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some pervert broke into my house today and jerked off on my wall.

It’s ok though. It was a load bearing wall.

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Anyone kinkier than you is a pervert...

A newly divorced man was feeling depressed, his wife had left him because he was too kinky in bed for her. He decided to go to the local bar and drink his blues away.
While sitting at the bar, he noticed a pretty lady at the other end, also looking sad. He decided to go chat her up a bit. Much t...

People think I'm a pervert...

People think I'm a pervert because I sleep with a 9 year old. But you have to remember, dog years are 7 times longer than ours.

Did you hear about the perverted statistician?

Standard deviation wasn't enough for him.

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The difference between "sexy" and "perverted"...

Q: What's the difference between "sexy" and "perverted"?

A: It's sexy if a girl let's you watch while she's stimulating her nether parts with a feather. It becomes perverted if there's a bird still attached to the feather...

There's a new Reddit sub for perverts

r/kelly

Christians are all perverted freaks.

They're all waiting for the second coming of Christ.

What do you call a perverted alligator?

A masturgator

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Why'd the pervert get banned from the board game shop?

No fucking clue

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

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