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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

Abstinence...

Makes the church grow fondlers.

I once threw an abstinence party...

And no one came.

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A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

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I'm practicing emotional abstinence

I haven't given a fuck in years

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Abstinence

A young engaged couple were having their first pre-marital counseling session with their super-conservative pastor. After outlining the topics he'd like to discuss, the pastor said, "There's just one rule. I am a firm believer in abstinence before marriage. I know that up until now, you've been very...

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I can't believe that they only taught us abstinence during sex ed!

It's inconceivable!

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

What do you call parents who teach abstinence only?

Grandma and grandpa.

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ABSTINENCE.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlyw...

So I went to an abstinence conference the other day...

All we did was wait

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What do you call a 45 year old woman who believes in abstinence only sex-ed?

Grandma!

What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control?

Grandparents.

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Abstinence-only education...

Was the first time I got screwed.

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

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A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.

The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled genitals. The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.

The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a pr...

They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something.

If that's true I must be a expert at Abstinence. After all, I've been practicing it for over 160,000 hours and counting.

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A quadriplegic guy buys a mechanical arm

NSFW

A quadriplegic guy buys a mechanical arm to help him jack off.


The arm is voice commanded.


He decides to try it and he's very excited to be able to relieve himself after years of abstinence.


So he goes " jerking off "



The arm proceed to jer...

Three Couples trying to join a cult...

The Cult leader tells the couples that while marriages are maintaned, abstinence, even in marriage, must be upheld.

The husband of the first, older, couple says "Well, we have been together for nearly 50 years and while we still love each other, any intimate part of our relationship was gone...

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If a porn star takes a vacation,

Do they consider it a leave of abstinence?

Absence may make the heart grow fonder...

But abstinence makes the dong grow harder.

Three couples go to join a church....

Three couples want to join a church, so they each walk in and talk to the pastor. The pastor replies to their inquiry, "To prove you are a valuable member of the clergy I want you to commit to three months of abstinence to show your commitment to the church." The couples agree and go on their way to...

What do you call it when you refuse to do core workouts?

Abstinence.

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Two jews on their honeymoon

are in the honeymoon suite, having practiced abstinence, they really aren't sure what to do. So the groom calls his mom and says, "Mom we're in the honey moon suite what are we supposed to do?" she replies, "Get under the covers boobsies, kiss, cuddle, it'll happen", so they give it a shot and it re...

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A guy was transferred to an oasis...

...and there he should work in the camp which was set up there. So the leader of the oasis showed him around and explained everything to him. "See over there", he said to the man, "there is the tent where you sleep." They walked on and the leader said, "And over there is your workplace." and he poin...

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Once upon a time, there lived a very famous juggler...

He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter wha...

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Joining a church.

Three couples (young, middle aged, and older) walk up to their local priest and ask him if they may join the church. The priest tells each couple that they may only join the church if they may show abstinence for one month. The couples return to the church one month later and the priest asks them if...

What is your preferred type of birth control?

"Well, its not preferred, but I practice abstinence."

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