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Buddhist Jokes

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

A Buddhist monk sees Jesus’ face in a tub of margerine

And he exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

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A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic and an Atheist all walk into a restaurant...

They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.

A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up fro...

What did the biologist say to the Buddhist monk?

I think about life a lot.

What does a Buddhist cowboy say when they’re surprised?

Wut in reintarnation?

Do You Know How I Know I Have A Buddhist Vacuum Cleaner?

It doesn't have any attachments

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

Have you heard of the naked guy who insults people for not being devoted to Buddha?

Talk about the rudest nudist Buddhist

How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's already enlightened.

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

Non-duality humour

Why do Buddhists only store their books in drawers?

Because they believe the shelf is an illusion.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

What is a Buddhist's favorite food?

An om-elet.

A priest, a Buddhist monk and a rabbi argue about who's the greater spiritual leader.

They agree to test their abilities by attempting the impossible: who can convert a bear to their religion.

Two weeks pass, the monk and the rabbi get a call from the priest to show up at the local church. They show up, and see the bear sitting in the front pew, singing psalms to the Lord.
...

I got a Buddhist email today

There was no attachment.

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk...

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gaming. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?"

The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered "No".

The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did y...

A Buddhist monk leaves his monastery after 10 years

His fellow monks beg him not to leave, but he firmly tells them that he is leaving to begin spreading his new form of Buddhism. After a few months, the leader of the monastery happens to bump into him, and tries to convince him to come back. The monk, again, firmly says that he has already begun spr...

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the g...

How much do items at the Buddhist dollar store cost?

Everything is one.

What do you call a Buddhist fast food restaurant?

Zenny's.

What does Redditors and Buddhists have in common.

Both want Karma

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

Buddhist birthday wishes

Forget the past, you cannot change it.

Forget the future, you cannot know it.

Forget the present, I didn't bring you one.

A Buddhist goes to a hotdogvender.

He asks him: "Make me one with all"


After the vender give the Buddhist his hotdog, the Buddhist gives the vender 20$. The vender puts it away and goes on with his business.
The Buddhist asks: "and my change?"

The vender replies: "change comes from within"



Credit t...

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Why did the buddhist monk poop coins?

Because change comes from within.

Why do Buddhists meditate in front of mirrors?

For optimal self reflection

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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

A Christian, Buddhist and Muslim had a bet whose God is real

So they decided to climb on a 50 store building, jump and see who'll survive.



First goes the Muslim, he jumps and starts praying "Allah Allah Allah Allah" and he died


Next one was a Buddhist, he jump and started saying "Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha" and he survived

...

How do Buddhists like their eggs in the morning?

In an Ommmelette

What do an electrician and a Buddhist have in common?

Ooooooooooooooohms.

First Buddhist: "How's life?"

Second Buddhist: "I've had better."

What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple?

'Nah imma stay.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist gynecologist?

He knows how to find the chi spot.

They just opened a new Buddhist restaurant in my city...

It's called Karma. The thing is, they don't have a menu.


Instead, you get what you deserve.

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

One man goes to India and visits a Buddhist Monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to crash.

The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The han...

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

What's the difference between a Redditor and a Buddhist

Well, a Buddhist lives so that he can let go of all his karma, while a redditor lives so that he can get karma

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A Buddhist Monk Goes to a Church

He walks up to the door of the church and nails an advertisement to the door.

The next day the Buddhist monk walks back to the church, only to find that his advertisement has been removed. He takes out another advertisement out of his bag, and promptly affixes it to the door with a nail.
...

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

I was a Buddhist in my past life but now I’ve decide to be atheist.

I didn’t want to do this _again_

A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.”

The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.”

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

A scientist & a Buddhist were asked of the nature of existence

The scientist said “modern science is a flashlight illuminating through the darkness of our realities. The more we know the more questions arise. We know nothing, yet we know more now than ever before.”
When the Buddhist was asked the same question on the nature of existence she answered, “Yeah t...

Did you hear the one about the Swedish Buddhist?

Someone said he was Bjorn again...and again...and again...

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Two Buddhist monks were meditating.

One of them said. 'Something happened today I could not get it out of my head.'

'What is bothering you?' Asked the other monk.

'I went shopping earlier this morning, and the cashier asked me what the hell I bought that for, it pisses me off.' Reply the first monk.

'What did you ...

How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.

A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.

The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch". ...

A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.

This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will...

What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?

Fro-zen.

A Buddhist converted to Christianity

To get with his new girlfriend, a Buddhist quit his religion and converted to Christianity. As they were cleaning up his old apartment,the girlfriend stumbled upon his old notebooks containing all the wisdom he had learned from his old teacher.

"Babe, what's this?" She asked.

"Don't wo...

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A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.

The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"

And...

A vegan buddhist...

...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spin...

Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

He only made it to Nearvana.

A rabbi, a priest and a buddhist walk into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A blonde prays to God

"Please dear Lord! Let me win the lottery!"

Next day she buys a ticket and it loses. That night she prays to God again: "Please dear Lord! Let me win the lottery!"

The next day she buys another lottery ticket and it loses again. She gets upset, goes to buy a book about Buddha, and that...

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

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did you hear about the buddhist who refused novocain during a root-canal?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.

Do Buddhists consider YOLO offensive?

Asking for a friend

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music. He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up posts, ...

One day a young Buddhist on his journey

One day a young Buddhist on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.

Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher ...

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Muslim are standing on the top of a cliff.

The Buddhist says, "If I jump, Buddha will save me" and he jumps. As he's flying toward his doom, he's yelling "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!" When he is about to hit the ground, a large hand swoops in and carries him to safety.

The Christian, seeing this, says, "If Buddha saved the Buddhis...

Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?

Because they have no attachments.

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

What does a Buddhist from the hood say after his friends ask him to leave?

Namaste.

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage...

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage in The United States to become more affiliated with the innate mysticism that influences the modern world.



He decides to start in America's intellectual capital, New York City, mind open and ready to learn. He got plenty of strange looks ...

Lee decides that he wants to find his place in the intricacy of the universe, and leaves his family to become a Buddhist monk...

He treks for days into the mountains, before finding a monastery, hundreds of miles from civilization. He enters the monastery, and bowing before the lama, requests to become a monk.

The lama accepts, but on one condition; he must only speak two words every five years. Still determined as eve...

Nobody understands except the Buddhist monks...

...that it is not about how fast you get karma, but how long you wait to repost for it.

A Hindu, a Christian, A Sikh, an atheist, and a Buddhist walk into a clinic...

One of them is called to see the doctor, he goes in, and after a while leaves the clinic. After that, everyone else was angry because they had not received service from the doctor. They ask the nurse standing outside why this is so, to which she said: "I'm sorry, we only serve the sikh."

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

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