A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

I had to return my Buddhist vacuum...

It came with no attachments.

A Buddhist walks into a pizzeria

And he asks "Can you make me one with everything?"

It's hard buying Christmas presents for Buddhists

They desire nothing

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk...

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gaming. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?"

The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered "No".

The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did y...

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A Buddhist, a Christian and a Muslim are on a plane.

They plan to jump from the plane without a parachute, and whoever survives will prove once and for all, which religion is superior.

The first to jump is the muslim. As he falls he prays with all his heart to God, but he hits the ground and dies.

The second to jump is the Buddhist. He f...

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A Catholic Priest, a Buddhist Monk, and an atheist walk into a bar.

A Catholic Priest, a Buddhist Monk, and an atheist walk into a bar.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lor...

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Why did the buddhist monk poop coins?

Because change comes from within.

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

What's the difference between a Redditor and a Buddhist

Well, a Buddhist lives so that he can let go of all his karma, while a redditor lives so that he can get karma

Buddhist birthday wishes

Forget the past, you cannot change it.

Forget the future, you cannot know it.

Forget the present, I didn't bring you one.

I was a Buddhist in my past life but now I’ve decide to be atheist.

I didn’t want to do this _again_

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Two Buddhist monks were meditating.

One of them said. 'Something happened today I could not get it out of my head.'

'What is bothering you?' Asked the other monk.

'I went shopping earlier this morning, and the cashier asked me what the hell I bought that for, it pisses me off.' Reply the first monk.

'What did you ...

A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.”

The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.”

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

A Christian, Buddhist and Muslim had a bet whose God is real

So they decided to climb on a 50 store building, jump and see who'll survive.



First goes the Muslim, he jumps and starts praying "Allah Allah Allah Allah" and he died


Next one was a Buddhist, he jump and started saying "Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha" and he survived

...

One man goes to India and visits a Buddhist Monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

A Buddhist monk leaves his monastery after 10 years

His fellow monks beg him not to leave, but he firmly tells them that he is leaving to begin spreading his new form of Buddhism. After a few months, the leader of the monastery happens to bump into him, and tries to convince him to come back. The monk, again, firmly says that he has already begun spr...

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As a Buddhist monk

I learned the ancient secret to inner peace...

is to never give a fuck

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

What do an electrician and a Buddhist have in common?

Ooooooooooooooohms.

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

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did you hear about the buddhist who refused novocain during a root-canal?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Buddhist walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

Walk

I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, ...

Do Buddhists consider YOLO offensive?

Asking for a friend

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A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic and an Atheist all walk into a restaurant...

They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

Did you hear about the Buddhist gynecologist?

He knows how to find the chi spot.

A man is at a party when he sees a Buddhist monk

As he is observing the monk, the lady behind him drops her phone, and he helps her by picking it up. After that, he begins moving over to the refreshments section, on his way he spots a drunk friend, for whom he calls an Uber home. Once his friend is safely away, he continues to amble over to the re...

A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.

The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch". ...

What do you call an Italian Buddhist?

Karmesan

A woman goes to the gates of heaven

She is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she seems to recog...

A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.

This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will...

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to crash.

The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The han...

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A Buddhist Monk Goes to a Church

He walks up to the door of the church and nails an advertisement to the door.

The next day the Buddhist monk walks back to the church, only to find that his advertisement has been removed. He takes out another advertisement out of his bag, and promptly affixes it to the door with a nail.
...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his...

A Buddhist converted to Christianity

To get with his new girlfriend, a Buddhist quit his religion and converted to Christianity. As they were cleaning up his old apartment,the girlfriend stumbled upon his old notebooks containing all the wisdom he had learned from his old teacher.

"Babe, what's this?" She asked.

"Don't wo...

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music. He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up posts, ...

What happens when a Buddhist cowboy dies?

Reintarnation

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.

'Ah' replies the hot dog ...

What is a Buddhist monk's drug of choice?

Discip-lean

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There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically.

There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...

Judge Jew D.

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I hate Japanese Buddhists

I’m zenophobic

A Buddhist morning be like

Rice and shrine everyone!

Did you hear the one about the Swedish Buddhist?

Someone said he was Bjorn again...and again...and again...

How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

They just opened a new Buddhist restaurant in my city...

It's called Karma. The thing is, they don't have a menu.


Instead, you get what you deserve.

A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says "make me one with everything."

The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks.

The vendor replies,

"change comes from within."

I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week

Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.

The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessin...

First Buddhist: "How's life?"

Second Buddhist: "I've had better."

One day a young Buddhist on his journey

One day a young Buddhist on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.

Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher ...

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage...

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage in The United States to become more affiliated with the innate mysticism that influences the modern world.



He decides to start in America's intellectual capital, New York City, mind open and ready to learn. He got plenty of strange looks ...

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple?

'Nah imma stay.'

It's hard to be a Buddhist in todays digital world, especially when it comes to emails.

No attachments.

Buddhists never write R.I.P on the gravestones

All of them just say BRB

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says,

“Give me a hot dog and put everything on it.”

(My son told me this and honestly, I don’t see the humor in it.)

Nobody understands except the Buddhist monks...

...that it is not about how fast you get karma, but how long you wait to repost for it.

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

There is no light bulb.

A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Muslim are standing on the top of a cliff.

The Buddhist says, "If I jump, Buddha will save me" and he jumps. As he's flying toward his doom, he's yelling "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!" When he is about to hit the ground, a large hand swoops in and carries him to safety.

The Christian, seeing this, says, "If Buddha saved the Buddhis...

What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?

Fro-zen.

A Buddhist finds a Genie in a lamp

The genie says "I can grant you one wish." The Buddha says with tears in his eyes "I've always wanted to be Hispanic, and I have also lived this life of poverty. What I would really like is for you to make me Juan, with everything."

A priest, an imam and a rabbi walk into a Buddhist monastery and ask the first monk they find:

Whats going om?

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

He only made it to Nearvana.

what did the buddhist say to the electrical engineer?

‘ohmmmmmmmm’

A vegan buddhist...

...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.

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A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.

The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"

And...

What did the Buddhist say when he was reborn as a cowboy?

WHAT IN CARNATION?!

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