400 Jokes - 89 Hilarious 400 Jokes

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

What has 400 legs and 23 teeth?

The front row of a Trump rally

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A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am ...

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

I paid a hooker $400 to get “the girlfriend experience”.

We just argued for an hour over Roe v Wade

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A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

400 IQ work joke

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy, 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?

A heavy drinker.

I swam 400 laps today and that wasn't easy.

Half the time, the shower curtain was in the way!

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedro...

I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a ...

I gained about 400 pounds in one night

And all I had to do was rob some British guy

I just bought $400 in textbooks.

God knows how much the second page will cost.

The headphones I just bought for $400 doesn't seem to be working...

hope I'm having a hearing loss.

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

Breaking News: Wal-Mart to close 400 stores in the US

Sources say it would put 12 cashiers out of work

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy...

...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

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I just put nearly 400 pounds on a horse...

My wife wanted to go riding, poor fucking horse.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

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Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years?

Someone lost a quarter.

My dad bought a $1,400 drone the other day.

He said to me, "If this thing crashes, you'll see a *drone* man cry."

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" Sh...

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a woman asks 400 men if any one can tell her what a clitoris is??

after a few minutes one bloke raises his hand and says
is it an anagram for solicitor?

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

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A city with a 400 year old feud about penis size...

The men on the east side of the river say they have larger penises, the men on the west claim to have the largest. The citizens wanted to put the feud to rest once and for all. So they decided to do a study. A very scientifically sound study, double blind, all that stuff. So everything went as plann...

A friend in need.

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called and asked if I would loan her $400 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out if I can. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called...

Unfair , girls get over 400 likes when they show a little nipple on facebook

When I showed a little head I only got banned

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I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child.

The craigslist ad said the price included postage.

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

The new CEO

A particularily large manufactuing company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them k...

A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

“Wonder Woman” earned $300 million worldwide in first week.

"Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

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Only in England.

£800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.

But reduced to £400 if paid early.

If you catch covid at the party, the government will

give you £500 to stay at home.

That's £100 profit.

This country is absolutely fucked.

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An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount curren...

So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions..

she walks in and says "How do I get to 280?"

A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"

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A rich guy buys a new car

A rich guy buys a new car , the newest Ferrari model with the maximum speed of 400 km per hour, very proud of this new car he decides to take it
for a spin.He drives around for a while until he runs out of gas, he pulls over to the nearest gas station and fills up the car and then goes back in to...

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Guy dies and goes to Heaven and God grants him a final wish. He tells God, "I've never won in Vegas." God winks and says, "Okay! Let's go." And God snaps his fingers and - poof! - God and the guy are at a blackjack table at Bellagio Casino on the Strip.

God gives the guy $100,000 in chips and says, "Bet it all." The guy shrugs and puts up all the chips and the dealer deals him an 19 - against the dealer's 6. God says, "Take a card." The guy says, "Hit a 19 against a bad hand?"

Gods insists. "Take a card." The dealer deals him a 2. The guy sa...

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

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A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel

Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"

Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"

Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."

Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, an...

Expensive Hotel [Long]

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight at an expensive hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

The clerk told her that $4...

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

Got my water bill today - £400. Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month.

Think I'll be changing my supplier.

Two men are walking when they suddenly find $500 laying on the street

They decide to keep the money for themselves. The first man says: 'We should split it fifty fifty'

The other one replies: 'What about the remaining $400?'

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,

The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"

Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"

The boss said " good...

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet...

A guy brings his pet gorilla to the Country Club....

"I'll bet anyone here, any amount, my gorilla can beat you in golf" he says.
"I'll take that bet" said the club pro. "Nine holes, $1000 a hole".
"You're on!" says Gorilla guy.
First hole is a 400 yard par four. The guy tee's up the ball. The gorilla walks up and puts it right on the g...

Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

A blind man walks into a bar.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is als...

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a prostitute comes home to her husband after a long day of work.

she has $400.05 with her

her husband asks “who paid with a nickel?”

she answers: all of them did.

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A man is walking along...

when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.

He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she says.

No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the la...

What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?

400 million dolla man.

a change of careers

A gynecologist was bored with his job and decided he wanted a new career. He went back to college and decided to become a mechanic. After aching most of his courses, he found himself at the final exam. For his final exam, he has to rebuild an engine and reinstall it in the car. He completed the task...

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The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around.

Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."

The CEO is furious, "What do...

I'm fast, but unfit...

my record for 100 meters is about 13 seconds and my record for 400 meters is about 250 meters.

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

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So the pentagon had to many generals...

so they had to fire a few, they would pay them 100,000$ per ft in anyway they wanted to be messured,

the army general wanted to be measured from his feat to the top of his head, he made 600,000$

the navy general wanted to be measured from his stomach around, he made 400,000$

the...

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

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Dark in here

Little Mikey was supposed to be taking a nap, but instead, he was hiding in his mother's closet when he heard her enter the bedroom with a strange man…
He listened as they hurriedly took off their clothes, jumped into bed, and started fucking like two jackrabbits…
Then, Mikey heard a car door ...

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A man walks into a bar... (kinda long)

A man walks into a bar and orders his first drink, about 5 minutes later he calls the bartender down.

He tells the bartender "I bet you $200 I can bite my eyeball." The bartender quickly agrees as he sees this as easy money. The man then pops out his glass eye and bites it.

"Damn it ...

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New CEO

The board of directors at one company decided to hire new executive staff in order to increase the company's profits. The new CEO was a very tough guy who made it his mission to rid the company of slackers. One time he notices a guy in the hallway leaning against the wall picking his nose. As there ...

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

I once hired a limo

*I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off!*

*I said "Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?"*

*The guy told me that the price didn't include a driver…*

*… so I'd spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!*

In Colombia, kids have built a snowman.

The police guessed snowman's value at approximately $400 million.

I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.

Did you know Zimbabwe loves the rapper 50 Cent?

Or as he's known there, 400 billion dollars.

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I am never trusting in British girl again

She told me she's 400 pounds
and when we met she was a skinny ass model.

Wtf is wrong with people these days.

A conversation between a man and a woman

Conversation between a man and a woman. She asks him 5 or 6 questions that he answers quickly and easily. She, however, will remain silent after answering a question asked by the man:

- woman: "Do you drink beer?"

- man: "Yes"

- Woman: "How many beers do you drink a day?"
...

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A teetotaling woman walks into a bar dead set on getting people to stop drinking. She sits next to an older gentleman drinking a beer.

The woman asks, "Excuse me, how many beers do you drink per day?"

"Usually about three."

"And how much do you pay for a beer?"

"Including tip? About $5 per beer."

"How long have you been drinking beer?"

"Oh, about twenty years, I guess."

"So, at three beers ...

Are you a baby crocodile?

Cos yo momma weighs 400 pounds.

A farmer walks up to the front door of a neighboring farmhouse.

He knocks on the door and a young boy, about ten years old, answers. "Good morning, sir," he says.

"Good morning," the farmer answers. "Can I speak to your father?"

"Sorry, but no," says the boy. "He and Ma went into town."

The farmer then asks, "Is your brother Jimmy here?"<...

If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be famous for?

Being alive!!! They'd be over 400 years old!

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A Chinese man is visiting the USA on business and goes to a bank to exchange some money.

He gives the teller 400 yuan, receives $60 USD and goes on about his day.

2 days later the Chinese man returns to the bank with another 400 yuan and leaves with another $60 USD.

2 days after that, the Chinese man returns once more to the bank and hands the teller 400 yuan. This time h...

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The new CEO

On his first day, the new head man takes a tour of the main factory where the company's products are made - commenting periodically to his assistants on possible changes. The most common thing he notices is that most of the employees could be working harder than they are. Finally, he spots one guy w...

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

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