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Alaskan Jokes

Where do Alaskans keep their money?

Fairbanks

why are Alaskan's so relaxed?

Because they're no longer Russian.

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.

It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

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Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months o...

Why did the Alaskan man name his dog Frost?

Because Frost bites.

Why do Alaskans wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out tide.

What do you call an Alaskan hooker?

A frostitute.

Alaskan Bear Hunting Trip

A man saves up his money all Summer to go on an Alaskan bear hunting trip. He gets out into the wilderness and tracks through the underbrush for hours when he finally spots a little black bear. He gets that bear in his sights and BANG shoots him dead!

At just that moment he feels a tap on his...

How do you greet an Alaskan bear in Hawaiian?

Aloha AK-Bear

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

My Alaskan sled dog was barking but no sound came out...

It turns out he was on Mala-mute

Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness

Now it's a double aunt tundra

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker ....

.... were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.


T...

I used to date a native Alaskan...

... but she didn't really seem to be that Inuit.

Have you seen how excited Alaskans get about their hobbies?

They get very Inuit.

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Roses are red, Sarah Palin is Alaskan, but she didn't kill her husband, unlike

Carole fucking Baskin

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The Alaskan Miner

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.

He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly...

My Alaskan Girlfriend broke up with me the other day...

I kept telling people she was an Eskimo, but I guess she wasn’t Inuit.

What do a missile silo and an Alaskan outhouse have in common?

They both contain IC BMs.

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How do you know an Alaskan girl is enjoying sex?

She's really Inuit.

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...

A lighthouse was installed at an Alaskan cape near a remote Inuit village

The leader of the village opposed the installation, but the US government overruled him.

One foggy morning, the village leader said to his people, "I told you that thing no good. Look at it: light flash, bell ring, horn go woo-woo. But fog come in, just like always."

What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?

They’re both cold and calculating.

Alaskan said to Texan: Stop bragging....

...about how big your state is, or we'll divide Alaska in half and make you the third largest state.

Did you know that native Alaskans don’t like to be called Eskimos?

Inuit.

What do you call a Alaskan Emo Butcher?

A cold cutter

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska,
you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan
whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky f...

Gift That Keeps Giving

A guys wife tells him she really wants to learn to Ocean Kayak. He tries to tell her that she must take lessons and will have to buy expensive equipment.  She explains it is her life long dream, so he supports her fully.

A few months later,  she is ready for her first Ocean Kayak experience...

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The Texan in Alaska

1960, Alaska is now a state. A Texan moves up to Alaska determined to be a citizen of the largest state in the union. He walks into the first bar in Juneau and shouts "All right, I'm going to be an Alaskan! You there, Barkeep, I'm going to be an Alaskan! What do I have to do to become an Alaskan!" <...

An old cowboy from Texas recently heard that Alaska was the largest state

So he decided to uproot himself and move up to Alaska, to toss away the moniker of a cowboy and become a real Alaskan. He sold everything he owned, drove up to Alaska, and purchased some property.

After living there for a while, he knew he wasn’t quite an Alaskan, so he trekked down to the l...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman..........

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan...

A blonde decided to paint a room.

When her husband got home, he asked,

'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied,

'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'

A Holiday Story

Back in the 1970s an Alaskan lawyer found out he had a long lost cousin in Czechoslovakia. In letters, the Czech mentioned he always wanted to see Alaska, so they arrange for him to come for a visit over the Christmas break.

While he's there the Alaskan takes him for a hike through the woods....

Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn’t

She said she’s just not that Inuit.

What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

Culturally no one in alaska dates in the winter.

When asked why, one alaskan replied, "We try, but its hard to break the ice."

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Married in the arctic circle

After 30 years of unfulfilling matrimony a crotchety old Alaskan couple finally decide to seek marriage counseling.

Upon the first meeting with their therapist they both sit down awkwardly on the couch, and pull back their Anorak hoods only to realize that they've been married to the WRONG p...

My wife and I broke up

Looking back it just seems silly. We broke up because of our dream vacations of all things.


I always dreamed of going on an Alaskan cruise, whereas she always dreamed of sleeping with my best friend.


In the spirit of compromise I surprised her by suggesting we try both.
...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

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