Ya Jokes - 99 Hilarious Ya Jokes

I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

Ya‘ll know why I‘m not scared of trees?

They‘re all bark, no bite.

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Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

It's rough I tell ya

My wife tried to tickle my funny bone

I asked why do you keep pointing at my pants

She said that's what I look at when I need a good laugh

did ya hear about the blind circumcisior?

He got the sack

I tell ya, my wife treats me like a god.

At every meal, she gives me burnt offerings.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...

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Why won't tampons talk to ya

They're stuck up cunts

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

A priest, a monk and a rabbit walk into a bar. "What'll ya have?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know" says the rabbit. "I'm only here because of autocorrect".

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life

They thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume,...

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head ...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A boring 747.

Ya know why they put rumble strips on the side of roads?

It's braille. So that the blind can see where they're driving.

I told my wife I wanted to be creamated.

She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Edit : Dangit. I meant cremated... Where were ya on that one autocorrect..? 🤦🏻‍♂️

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

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Bosnian joke for ya'

Judgment day comes and big hole in ground opens. And angels tell people to jump in it and they will be judged for their sins. First comes English guy, jumps in a hole, and in darkness he feels Jesus taking his hand "My son, tell me your sins" Jesus says. "I'm sorry Jesus, I was a sinner, I cursed yo...

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An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...

"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't thi...

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

are ya?

Two Irish talking:
-Are you come to die?
-No, I came yestodie.

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A barely NSFW joke for ya!

Whats the most sensitive body part when your masturbating?

Your ears.

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts

Only Targets.

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My EX Wife... lemme tell ya about her. WHAT... AN... ASSHOLE!!!

...Her Tits weren't bad, either!

Knock Knock

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Ya.

Ya Who?

Hold your excitement and just let me in.

Ya know what they call me?

They call me deaf.

Or at least I assume they do.

Credits to u/agenttarian

"Buzz, why in tarnation did ya shoot the spaghetti?", Woody exclaimed.

Buzz leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"Wasn't up to my standards", he commented.

"What do you mean?", Woody replied.

"Flavours were off."

"You... you've had spaghetti?"

"It's a Space Ranger specialty. In all emergency ration kits. And given how many emergencies ...

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

Did ya hear about the yoga instructor who got sentenced to 5 years for tax evasion?

“I can do that time standing on my head” he said.

What do ya call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Ya don’t.

Where ya bin?

trashman knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.

The proprietor comes out

Trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’

Asian proprietor says: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’

Trash man says: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’

Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’

Trash...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

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Bartender: "What'll ya have?"

Blonde: "Bring me a beer."
Bartender: "Anheuser-Busch?"
Blonde: "Fine. And how's your penis?"

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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He t...

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

Have ya ever noticed....

Have ya ever noticed:

“Committed murder”

“Committed genocide”

“Committed relationship”

No wonder men have so many issues with commitment.

Where ya from Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm goi...

Hey ya know what the good thing about schools shutting down is?

We might hit a new record for longest time without a school shooting!

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

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Well, if ya think about it...

You get one of two reactions after sending someone a dick pick. It’s either:

“So long....” Or

“So long.”

3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

.
.

If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

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How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?

She can out run her brother.

IT jokes? I'll tell ya UDP jokes all day...

I don't care if you get 'em or not!

I have a brexit joke for ya

But I’ll need another 6 months

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Here’s one for ya

Three guys go and explore a jungle. They get captured by a clan of cannibals. The cannibals tell them to go into the jungle and pick 5 of the same fruit and bring it back.

The first guy comes back with 5 coconuts. The cannibals tell him that if he can get all five up his butt without making a...

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

Ya' wanna know what a Australian kiss is?

It's like a French kiss, but down undah.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

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The bats will get ya

One day, a man walks into a bar in Florida. He asks the bartender for a beer, to which he replies

"Sorry, can't do that, the bats'll getcha."

Confused but sober, the man decides to drive a mile down the road to the next bar. He walks in and asks the bartender for a beer.

"S...

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

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Where did ya come from, Wooden Eye Joe

A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance

He's too poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks...

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
...

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

What do ya call a truck carrying cocaine?

A pickup line

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Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls...

[NSFW]

Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls that would roost on her roof and leave their smelly droppings on her rose bushes.

One day, seeing a flock of them through her front window, she charged out of her front door waving her broom wildl...

What’s the worst place to say “I like ya cut g?”

A leukemia treatment center.

Ya know somedays i can fully touch my toes

and other days i’m a foot away

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

Ya wanna know how pathetic my life is?

I finally had a reason to get out a condom from my nightstand drawer... They had all expired.

Ya know what I can’t get over?

A fence about 6 feet high.

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Where's ya bin (full version)

A trash man knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.
The proprietor comes out and the trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’

The Asian proprietor: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’

Trash man: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’

Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’

Trash man: ...

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

Holla at ya boi!!!

Man I’m so jealous of Jay-Z...

He knows exactly how many problems he has.

Hey! Leave the door open will ya?

The flies haven’t been out all day

Where do you go if ya get injured playing peekaboo?

ICU

What do ya call a company run by bees?

A buzziness

Ya know, I tried acupuncture last weekend

I just didn't really get the point

So ya wanna be a DJ??? visit this site

Wikiwikiwikipedia

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

Did ya hear feldspar, quartz, and mica stopped hanging out together?

They got tired of being taken for granite

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

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The Irish Sinner

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with yo...

X Gon’ Give it to Ya

Unless you’re the IRS

A man was having a bad day...

A little man sits sadly in the bar with a beer in front of him.

A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.

The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.

The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"...

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What d’ya call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

Do ya know how to avoid click bait?

Perhaps not.

Boy: Sweety, ya know.. My time slows down whenever I'm around you..

Girl (physicist): YOU MEAN I'M FAT??

Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.

"Hey bub, where's ya bin`"
"I took a little vacation for a few weeks,"
"No. I meant where's your bin?"
"Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"
"No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"
"Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Ha...

How do ya get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake...

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

Ya know, my friends are just like flies

They really like to bug me, but then again, they're no buzzkill.

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said little Johnny.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

Little Johnny said, "Mister, y...

Did ya hear why they're closing down the eunuchs club?

Cause they lost all their members.

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.

A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**

To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**

<...

Lemme tell ya, My Wife keeps me in line

no matter how many guys are in head of me

Ya know how they say “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”

I’m more into pear-amedics

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