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Aye Jokes

Aye, Aye, Captain!

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye...

When do you say Aye, aye, Captain vs Aye, Captain?

It depends on whether he has an eyepatch or not.

"Aye aye captain" as a greeting for Pirates with eyepatch should be wrong.

The correct one is "Aye, captain"

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

Aye shoutout to my grandma

Because that’s the only way that she can hear

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Aye Aye Captain

*Sex in the Navy !*
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so lo...

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?

CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS

Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!

If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS

Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!

COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEEEEGGEEEEE STUUUDEEEE...

The captain asks a seamen to tell him how "2" is written in Latin.

The seamen replies "Aye aye, capt'n!"

Aye matey, what be a pirates favorite letter?

-
-
-
Everyone thinks it be I, but a pirates TRUE love be the C!

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

Never gonna shop, give it up, such a dirty hand I always cover up, for the cough of the older kind My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!

M-m-m-m-my Corona!

My colleague Michael Aye cheated in law school

But who M. Aye to judge?

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out.

Or worse yet, get kilt.

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

Dear SoundCloud rappers who shout "aye you already know who it isssssss"

No we do not.

sincerely, the general population

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.

...The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says, "Pretty slick aye, bro? The owner didn't even see me."

Unimpressed, the Maori replies, "Typical dishonest Aussie, bro. I'm gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result."

T...

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Rented myself a little studio in Glasgow. It's so nice that every girl I've brought back has instantly agreed to sex.

I love my aye pad.

(Me mate just passed and this was his favourite joke) A man walks up to a stranger and says, "Would ye like to hear a joke"? The stranger replies: Eh, aye. Why not?

The man then says "me life" and starts sobbing and wailing

The Stranger replies: Come now, your life can not be that bad. It's nothing to cry over, surely.

The man says back, "I'm not crying, I'm laughing. See? Hahaha" and the man starts fake laughing and sobbing at the same time. ...

'How old arr you?' asked one of the pirate's sailors.

The pirate replied, 'Aye matey.'

A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts

She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'

'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'

'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'

'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I ...

Why do pirates love reddit?

Aye, tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold!

Scottish bath

A Scottish couple took in a young woman as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

A pirate walks in a barrr and barrrtender says, “Be ye knowin’ thar be a helm in yer knickers?!”

To which the pirate responds,

“Aye, and it be drivin’ me nuts!”

A Newcastle girl goes into a hair salon

The stylist says "Why aye lass, what do yee want?"

"Can I have a perm please?" says the customer. The stylist responds:

*Ah wandered lernley as a cloud that flerts on high oer vales an' hills...*

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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

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I saw a pirate on the street the other day

"Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?"

"Aye, I be a pirate."

"Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?"

"It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off."

"Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?"

"During the mutiny...

A Roman Pirate screamed at his crew members: "How many ships did you loot today?!"

They replied: Aye Aye Captain!!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Arrr?

Aye, it be the Sea...

This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack

The maintenance guy said “that’s the Spock pack”

Me: “Spock pack?”

Maint: “aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear”

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky....

A Pirate captain and his first mate make landfall on the island of Madagascar

On land they see a variety of creatures but most interesting a lemur around a wreck on the beach.

Upon closer examination by the captain to his astonishment, the lemur is spying on the pirates with a telescope

The captain says to his first mate “Do you see what that lemur is looking a...

A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.

The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But... you did to...

Pat the Irish immigrant died in a freak mining accident...

...leaving Kathleen, his young wife, near mad with grief. After the burial, Kathleen's mother drew her aside, and took her in her arms, and rocked her as she wept, and tried to comfort her:

"But think on what a grand man he was, Kathleen! Weren't they all saying at the wake as that Pat was a ...

What's the pirates law for equitable retribution?

An Aye for an Aye

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darli...

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