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Soo Jokes

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

Why is Leo DiCaprio soo good at Black Jack?

He always hits on teens and never goes over 21.

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

The employees at my bank are soo nice these days!

Occasionally they would call me and remind me that my loans have been outstanding!

When i was a kid , we were soo poor

For Christmas my mom would cut the pockets out of our pants ,so we would have something to play with..

My Tibetan friend is soo lazy.

I always see Himalayan there.

Parallel lines have soo much in common

It's a shame they'll never meet  ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door thr...

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My neutered dog wants to jump in the pool soo bad.

he just doesn’t have the balls to do it.

Soo.... baltimore.

Probably not the best idea to burn down a cvs pharmacy. The entire city needs a chill pill.

Yo mama's soo ugly..

One Direction went the other way.

The cemetery by my house is soo popular...

...people are dying to get in.

How come computers are soo smart?

It is because they listen to their motherboard.

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Two girls die and go to Heaven...

They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.

"Wow! What happened to you?" Asks the firs one.

"Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?"

"Heart at...

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[NSFW] A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar...

... the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds: "Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."

 

The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened ...

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....

...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:

“I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about...

I am a little sad today, My korean friend was found dead

He was soo yung

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One day I approached a old man.

I asked him what is his pension. He said:”My pension is like menstruation in women.” I asked him:”How soo?” “Well when it comes it lasts 5-6 days and than you can fuck me.”

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were in Rome.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were in Rome one day when the see a priest running around in panic. They approach him an asked what's wrong when he says "Mama Mia! It's a tha Pope! He's a dead!!" Then he goes quiet, still panicking with his finger on his lips saying "please, please don't a say ...

Military exercise

Drill Sargeant: Listen up ladies, you see these sticks? Pinecones?, Those are your training weapons!

John: So a stick is our rifle? And pinecones are grenades?

Drill sargeant: Look who's catching on, yes If you believe hard enough you won't need an actual rifle or a grenade. Not just s...

I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush

I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.

What did the man in prison say to his twin brother?

“Soo...you know how we finish each other’s sentences”

i got the job

Employer : soo do you have any habits we should know about?

me : eem i do crack

Employer : you do crack?

me : i do crack a joke now and then..

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I try to avoid sexual innuendos

But it’s hard. Soo hard.

Addict vs Redditor

Redditor - Why are you soo hooked with having same stuff over and over again?

Addict - Ironical!

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I was digging in my garden when I found some gold coins.

I got soo excited I ran to the hospital to tell the prostitute about it, but then I remembered why I was digging.

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Man with one arm.

Once upon a time there was a man who had lost his arm in a car accident. Losing his arm made him lose his job and made him very sad . He looked for work everywhere but he was not able to find and this made him very depressed. He tried to take his life one day by jumping off a building. Looking down...

Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident

Soo Yoo

Paddy and Mick are fishing

.. and they're not catching anything.
As they're about to give up for the day past them walk two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish.


"BEJEYZUS!" Paddy exclaims, "How on Eart did ya catch soo many fish?"
The Englishmen explain that it's a life-hack they've been...

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑻𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒔𝒆… 𝑺𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒊𝒏𝒈...

For years I was searching for...

For years I was searching for the music of a korean show called 'Rep'. I searched all my life for that music. A good part of my life was attached to thaf show. But I cant find it. I lost all my hopes in it.

Now when I am near my death bed, some months ago I get used to reddit. What a womderfu...

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A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian

get caught in a storm while sailing and crash into an island. The island is inhabited by cannibals. They're given 3 tasks and if they fail at anyone of them, they'll be eaten.
First they have to drink a bottle of moonshine, then they have to go into a tiger cave and kill a tiger and lastly they ...

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Gingerbread house (long)

Me and my good friend John went camping one time, but after we left our campsite for a walk we got lost. After two weeks of walking around the forest, trying to find our way out, or at least something to eat, we stumble onto a little meadow with a gingerbread house in the middle.

As you can i...

puddles

so a duck walks into a bar and sits down

the bartender asks him what his name is, the duck say "huey"

"so what have you been doing today huey?"

"oh you know, this and that, splashing about, in and out of puddles all day"

the duck has a drink and leaves.

A while lat...

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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers a...

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

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3 murders get caught and get 10 years solitary...

During their killing spree they spare the life of an old man. They have 24 hour lock down and the old man turns out to be a wizard and approaches them in prison and says I cant set you all free but i will give you whatever you love the most in your cell.

So the first guy says woman, So the gu...

A little old lady wants to buy a parrot.

So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots.

"Well I've just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he's picked up some nasty words. Why don't you come back next week." He said.

"No that's quite alright...

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

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