How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

My Doctor has advised me to stop drinking - its going to be a massive change for me.

I've been with that doctor for 15 years...

My friend really changed after she became a vegetarian

It's almost like I have never seen herbivore

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How many Freudian psychologist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...

LADDER! I meant ladder!

An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

What's an effective way to get Texas Lawmakers to change their view on abortion law?

Get their wives pregnant, if they have any.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

edit.. thanks for the award kind stanger.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.

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OnlyFans just announced that they will be getting rid of all porn on their platform on October 1st…

On October 2nd they will announce that they’ll be changing their name to “NoMore Fans”

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

If you asked an electrician to change a fuse, and he does..

He has refused -

How many psychoanalyst does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But, it takes years and years of therapy, and ultimately the lightbulb has to want to change.

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Clearly more than 2, because my basement is still dark AF

How many jamband fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They wait until it burns out and then follow it around the country.

How many r/jokes users does it take to change a light bulb?

1000, one changes the light bulb and the others will start upvoting it and copying it and having orgies

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I have a suggestion to change pornhub's dillema

The new phrase should be "Suck seed to succeed"

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

To raise heart health awareness, Cardi B changes her name...

To Cardi O

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

What did the skunk say when the wind changed direction?

*"It’s all coming back to me now."*

A Change

An old couple is ready to go to sleep.

The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor.


The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”


The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.

He takes test, and waits for his score.

He g...

They should change the spelling of "Cyclops" to "Ciclops"

Then it would only have 1 'i'

How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb?

Closed, question seems like off-topic

I had a dream I turned into a young chicken and had trouble changing back to being a human.

Luckily, I was able to pullet off...

Mid life career change

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what do you do?" the bartender chats him up. "Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT," the guy says. "How was it changing careers?" the bartender asks. "Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that t...

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OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

Fox News actually saved my life.

I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

87.

1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

How can I change my Reddit username?

I'm finally off the cakepops!

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

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I saw a fellow on the street begging for change.

After two hours, he got up, walked down some quiet street and hopped into his Range Rover. I pursued him. I tapped on the window before he drove off.

"I saw what you were doing," I told him. "Taking advantage of naïve people and stealing their hard-earned money."

"Yea," he replied. "An...

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb?

There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

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I had a student named Miles in my 5th grade class who moved to JAPAN. Had to change his name to Kilometers.

Slight adjustment to an originally hilarious joke that was shunned on a technicality. #IwasOnlyJoking

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

I started to get really worried about climate change when I was house shopping and my real estate agent used the phrase:

“Potential Water Front Property”

I've decided to change my career path and become a window cleaner

It's really something I can see myself getting into.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I woke up this morning to find that overnight I'd changed into a cat.

Don't ask meow...

Melinda Gates should keep her surname, marry Elon Musk then Elon must change his surname.

Then his name would be 'Elon Gates'

How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence

"The marbles fell out of my pocket."
Vs
"The marbles fell out of my colon."

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said

[OC] Justin Bieber wanted to go on vacation and not be recognised by anyone, so he totally changed his look. He even legally changed his name:

Justin Case.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often...

For the same reasons.

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

The life changing virus

Q: What is the most influential virus?
A: Influenca

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

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What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "...

I found I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.

My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars , but I really think it's the Vodka

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

I stole this from one of [elee0228](/u/elee0228) comments.

Climate change is causing people to move into hilly and mountainous regions

According to one expert on YouTube it is plain unsettling.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

A guy was buying mangoes at a junction from a street vendor and while waiting for his change he saw an old woman and a little girl.

The little girl was walking a bit faster than the old woman which made the old woman shouting; " Degree wait for me". The guy was astonished after hearing such an unusual name. So to satisfy his curiosity he walked closer to the old woman and asked; "Mam, why do you call your granddaughter Degree?" ...

One man cannot change the world ...

Unless obviously he eats an uncooked bat soup, then by all means!

How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three:

One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the poor.
One to report it as a conspiracy to deprive the poor of darkness.
And one to win a Pulitzer Prize for reporting that the electric company hired someone to break the lightbulb in the first place.
...

Rifling changed firearms forever.

It was revolutionary.

When you want to change your hairstyle, there are two choices:

'Do or dye.

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor...

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar?

Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man made climate change is really annoying me!

I wish the jerks that keep changing the climate would just set it at 70 degrees Fahrenheit year round and be done with it!

My friend used to run a hotel, but now he runs an Airbnb. I asked him if this change in job gave him any new challenges.

He said no, it’s entirely inn keeping.

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

Might aswell.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clink...

I told my pregnant wife that everything is going to change after this baby is born.

Like my name, address, phone number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

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