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Kim Jokes

Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?

Because he never had to run for his office

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim

One night we were at the bar having a drink and I asked “Do you ever get tired of westerners saying all Chinese people look the same?”

He replied: “Kim is at the bar getting the drinks. I’m his wife.”

A Joke About Kim Jong Un

[removed]

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

What’s the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.


(Too soon?)

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t Kim Kardashian find her asshole?

He’s on tour.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

Did you hear about this North Korean guy who compared Kim Jong Un to an elephant?

It was a bad joke, but I liked the execution

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Kim Jong recently lost his job

He was in the wrong Korea

Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong-un of North Korea has said he's going to destroy America

So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Mankind

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common?

They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.

What is Kim Jong-un's favorite Christmas decor?

A mistletoe!

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm really impressed by both Kim Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner...

Both women got famous by making a dick disappear.

Why did Kim Jong Un kill all the owls in North Korea?

Because they all kept repeating "Coup, Coup."

Who will replace Kim Jon Un after he dies

Kim Jon dos

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Kardashian's butt

Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks? 
A: Silicon Valley.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said ...

What did Kim Jong Il call his Kindle?

The Dear Reader.

Kim Jong Un visits a pig farm somewhere in rural North Korea. A photograph of him with some pigs is taken.

The caption reads: Several pigs surrounding Dear Leader (3rd from left)

I was surprised when Kim Jong Un agreed to let me marry his daughter

Cause now I get to call him my father-un-law

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Prostitutes (Kim & Chloe) walking down the street at night....

Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”

Kim Jong Un replies by sayin...

Kim Jong Un is currently..

The Shrodingers cat of dictators.

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

Kim and Kanye’s kid launched a new perfume in her own name.

North—by North West.

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?

Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.

If Kim Jong Un named his son Kim Jong

Then his sons full name would be Kim Jong Deux

When Kim Kardashian dies...

Will she be put in a grave or melted along with the rest of the plastic?

I wonder what happened to Kim Jong Un

Maybe he’s Un-responsive

Kim Jong-un's doctors...

Probably fancy a Korea change

Thanks to Kim Jong-un....

Donald Trump is only the second most brain dead world leader...

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are divorcing.

After naming their kids after directions they're the ones going south.

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney...

The only KKK black men are allowed into

Kim Jong Un got cloned...

Kim Jong Un got cloned.


What will we call him, asks the scientist ?


"Kim Jong- Deux" replied his French assistant.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

Kim Jong-il became Kim jong-ded

Now Kim Jong-Un with his wife who has vanished from public since 7 months, might be having a Kim Yung-Un

What's Kim Jong Un's favorite step of mitosis?

Nuclear division.

Kim Jong Un released a statement today

I don’t know what it said it must’ve been Morse code, all it said was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeeep*

Kim Jong Un went to get his palm read.

"Ah", said the mystic. "One year from now I see great glory in your future.

Two years from now I see even greater glory.

Three years from now the glory is joined by love.

However I must warn you that past that I can read nothing of your future."

At this the dictator gets...

Why Kim Jong-un has dark circles under eyes?

Because the enemy never sleeps!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got this friend in Japan. Her name's Kim.

So Kim runs an undergarment, loungewear and such clothing store, and I recently ordered myself some pyjamas. I fortunately she got the orders mixed up and sent me some type of dressing gown instead. All I could say was Kim,oh-no!

There's a rumour that North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un is dead.

But personally, I think he's just Kim Jong Un-well

I heard that Kim Jong Un is sick.

I guess that makes him Kim Jong Ill

(I hope this isn't a repost)

Why does Kim Jong-un keep attacking South Korea?

Because he doesn't have Seoul?

What did the media say about Kim Kardashian swimming

There's too much plastic in our oceans.

Kim Jung Un responds to why he doesn't let people leave North Korea.

Kim Jung Un has said "The intent is to provide people with a sense of pride and accomplishment for escaping North Korea"

Did you know kim jung-un doesnt cry at funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable...

Why didn't Kim Jong Un cry when he heard his half brother, Kim Jong Nam, had been killed?

Because the news was unbereaveable.

Kim Jong-UN walks into a bar...

...in his dreams

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

What does Kim say when Kanye is freaking out?

Yeezy Yeezy, calm down.

What do Schrodinger's cat and Kim Jong-un have in common?

They're both alive and dead until you see them!

Breaking news KIM JONG UN just lost 50 lbs

He is now addressed as Slim Jong Un

What do Phil Swift and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They're only famous because of a tape.

Why did Donald Trump invite Kim Kardashian to talk about prison reform?

Because she's had more black dudes in her than a jail cell.

How many doubles does Kim Jong-un has?

None, there is not enough food in North Korea for second Kim Jong-un.

Has Kim Kardashian Broken The Internet?

I'm not sure if Kim Kardashian has actually managed to 'break the internet', but she's certainly put a big crack in it!

Someone asked me if Kim Jong was ill

I said no that was his father

Why couldn't Kim-Jong Un get into heaven?

Because he had no Seoul...

Kim jong il takes Kim jong un on a visit to a food processing company.

Il points at a machine and says: “This one, you put a pig into it and sausages will come out on the other side. The power of science is amazing!” To which Un replied: “ Is there a device then, where you put in a sausage, and pig comes out?”
•

Kim jong il: YOURMOM

What do you do if you see Kim Kardashian drowning?

Nothing, she's plastic so she'll float anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

Kim Jung Un called Xi Jinping at 3:30 in the morning.

Xi: Why are you calling at *this* time?

Kim: I am going to test a nuke.

Xi: Okay, when are you going to do this?

Kim: 10.

Xi: 10 what? In 10 months? 10 weeks? 10 days?

Kim: 9.

What happens when North becomes an adult and Kim finally admits to Kanye that North was never really his ?

“18 years, 18 years!”

Kim: I would even kill for

a Nobel Peace Prize.

What's the difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong Un?

Kim Jong Un has control over his country.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on kim jong-un with his penis inside a jacket potato...

I didn't know what to say, I'd never seen a dick-tater before

What did Kim Jon Un say when his father died?

Looks like his Korea is over

What do Kim Jung Un and Donald Trump have in common?

They're both long overdue for a heart attack, but even the devil doesn't want them.

What do you call a skinny kim-jung in?

Slim-jung un

I guess Kim Jong-un is just like his father now

He’s become Kim Jong-ill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I intend to remake an Alfred Hitchcock movie and cast Kim Kardashian's daughter.

North by Northwest starring North West

Kim Jong Un walked into a bar

The North Korean media still said he got a gold for high jump

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start ...

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