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Woody Jokes

What did Woody say to Buzz?

A lot. There were 3 movies.

You know what’s funny about Woody and Buzz in Toy Story?

Andy’s mom’s toys have the same name.

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

"Buzz, why in tarnation did ya shoot the spaghetti?", Woody exclaimed.

Buzz leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"Wasn't up to my standards", he commented.

"What do you mean?", Woody replied.

"Flavours were off."

"You... you've had spaghetti?"

"It's a Space Ranger specialty. In all emergency ration kits. And given how many emergencies ...

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Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

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If Woody Harrelson married James Woods, he'd be Woody Woods.

And that'd make a his schlong Woody Woods' pecker.

What did Woody say to Buzz Lightyear?

A lot of stuff, there's 4 whole movies plus some short films.

What did the dog say to Woody after accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear?

You got a friend in me.

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car


With Wooden Seats


Wooden Tires


And A Wooden Engine?


It Wooden't Start

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

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Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

Woody and Jessy were doing intimate things

Woody stops and asks, “Does this mean we are a thing?”. Jessie doesn’t answer and starts whispering “*I got a friend in me..*”

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

Woody walks in on Bo Peep cheating on him with Buzz...

"How could you do this!?" Woody shouts.

"Woody," says Bo Peep sheepishly, "You've got a friend in me."

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**

**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***

Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*...

What did woody say when he got std’s?

“Someone poisoned the water hole’

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[NSFW] What is Woody Woodpecker's girlfriend's name?

Suzy Splintercunt

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

My genitals can transform from one Toy Story character to another depending on how much I wash them

They go from a Woody to a Stinky Pete

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What did Jessie say to woody after doing anal for the first time?

“There’s a snake in my booty!”

Sorry, bad joke but I thought if it last night and kinda half chuckled

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

-"A little early isn't it, Woody?"

-"For a beer?"

-"No, for stupid questions."

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

A gem from the YouTube comment section

"This watch has tremendous sentimental value to me. My father sold it to me on his deathbed." -Woody Allen

What did woody and buzz say to your mom?

"Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

Just saw "Cheers: The Musical"

My Thoughts? A little too much Danson.



Also, some of the acting was woody.

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Pillsbury Doughboy

So, the Pillsbury Doughboy was walking down the street one day minding his own business when Woody from Toystory happens upon him. The two recognize each other and say hello, and have a little chat. As the pair were saying their good byes, Woody asks "Can I poke your belly." Doughboy says "I would r...

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

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After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".



^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?

Woody's round up.

Name three things that come in a little yellow box

Kodak film, Dots candy and Woody Allen.

A girl I just started dating asked me if I had been circumcised...

I told her, “No, I don’t get a woody, I get a hoody.”

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A man has not gotten laid in a while.

A man has not gotten laid in a while. So his friends suggests a prostitute. He is not sure about it at first, but he goes.

That night, the man finds her and drives her to a hotel. On the drive, the man decides to try and to brighten the mood. He looks at her and says "Hey, they call me woody ...

I'm really thankful that Disney/Pixar brought us Toy Story

It means I can go to Toys R Us and walk out with a Woody without it being awkward.

After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz.

Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.

An ageing maple and a gnarled oak were standing on the crest of a hill overlooking a verdant glen.

"You see that young sapling down there," said the oak. "I'm thinking it's a son of a birch."

"No," said the maple. "I'd wager it's a son of a beech."

Just then a ruddy woodpecker landed on a branch nearby.

"Hey Woody," said the maple. "Would you do us a favour and fly down to th...

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"Don't knock masturbation..."

"It's sex with someone you love."... Woody Allen.

Moar...

'Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.'

And lastly...

'My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.'

Two rabbits were chased by hounds

They ran until they couldn't run anymore. Holed up in a hollow log, the rabbits were safely out of reach while the hounds bayed outside.

The boy rabbit looked at the girl rabbit and asked, "What do we do now?"

"We stay here until we outnumber them."
- Woody Guthrie

Son of a beech?

An oak and a maple were standing at the edge of a bluff gazing out over the vast expanse when they noticed a young sapling in the glen below.

"Oh look," said the oak. "A young son of a beech."

"Actually I think it's son of a birch," said the maple.

They turned to a male woodpe...

New Job.......

Barry is seated at a small table in a warmly lit coffee shop sipping coffee.
Barry’s friend Felix enters looking somewhat dubious. (Felix bares a remarkable resemblance to Woody Allen.) He spots Barry and joins him at the table.
BARRY: Did you find a job?
FELIX: Yeah. I got a job at a...

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Taking the Good with the Bad!!!

This old man has his son put him in a retirement home. On his first day there he wakes up with a hardon and a nurse comes in and gives him head. He calls his son and says, "Son, thank you so much for sending me here. I woke up with a woody and the nurse gave me a blowjob! This is fantastic. I love t...

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The ladder to success

A man drunkly stumbles out of a bar and on the way to his car, encounters a ladder reaching up to the clouds. There is a voice coming from high up in the clouds, “climb the ladder to success”. The man looks up and starts climbing. After reaching a low floating cloud, he sees a woman, she has wart...

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Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

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A manic depressive horse named John

There once was a manic depressive horse named John. He was drinking away his problems in a bar that was popular among the local animals because they didn't card. You see, ever since he was a young colt, John used music to deal with his emotions. He started off with a vinyl record of The Beatles' *Re...

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