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Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

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What did Bo Peep say to Woody when he walked in on Buzz Lightyear fucking her?

You’ve got a friend in me.

Ironically, Woody and Buzz ...

were also the names of Andy's Mum's toys.

Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"

Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

What did woody say when he got std’s?

“Someone poisoned the water hole’

What did Harvey Weinstein say to Woody Allen?

I'll give you two tens for a 20.

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[NSFW] What is Woody Woodpecker's girlfriend's name?

Suzy Splintercunt

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car


With Wooden Seats


Wooden Tires


And A Wooden Engine?


It Wooden't Start

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

Toy Story: Andy's Toys

You know of Woody and Buzz right? Well, coincidentally, Andy's Mom's toys are called Woody and Buzz as well.

An ageing maple and a gnarled oak were standing on the crest of a hill overlooking a verdant glen.

"You see that young sapling down there," said the oak. "I'm thinking it's a son of a birch."

"No," said the maple. "I'd wager it's a son of a beech."

Just then a ruddy woodpecker landed on a branch nearby.

"Hey Woody," said the maple. "Would you do us a favour and fly down to th...

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**

**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***

Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*...

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

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After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".



^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

What did woody and buzz say to your mom?

"Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."

New Toy Story announced for 2020, starring Andy’s mum’s toys

That are also called Woody and Buzz.

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Toy Story 4 introduces sex toys...

Incidentally enough, they're also named Woody and Buzz.

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TIL that in 1991 Woody Allen and Rick Moranis had plans to make a film together...

Honey I Fucked The Kids

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

Why was Andy from Toy Story's girlfriend disappointed?

Andy's "Woody" wasn't quite what she was expecting.

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A manic depressive horse named John

There once was a manic depressive horse named John. He was drinking away his problems in a bar that was popular among the local animals because they didn't card. You see, ever since he was a young colt, John used music to deal with his emotions. He started off with a vinyl record of The Beatles' *Re...

A girl I just started dating asked me if I had been circumcised...

I told her, “No, I don’t get a woody, I get a hoody.”

I'm really thankful that Disney/Pixar brought us Toy Story

It means I can go to Toys R Us and walk out with a Woody without it being awkward.

What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?

Woody's round up.

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Taking the Good with the Bad!!!

This old man has his son put him in a retirement home. On his first day there he wakes up with a hardon and a nurse comes in and gives him head. He calls his son and says, "Son, thank you so much for sending me here. I woke up with a woody and the nurse gave me a blowjob! This is fantastic. I love t...

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

-"A little early isn't it, Woody?"

-"For a beer?"

-"No, for stupid questions."

Why does Roy Moore always dress up like a cowboy?

Because he gets a little Woody around kids

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Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz.

Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.

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The ladder to success

A man drunkly stumbles out of a bar and on the way to his car, encounters a ladder reaching up to the clouds. There is a voice coming from high up in the clouds, “climb the ladder to success”. The man looks up and starts climbing. After reaching a low floating cloud, he sees a woman, she has wart...

Son of a beech?

An oak and a maple were standing at the edge of a bluff gazing out over the vast expanse when they noticed a young sapling in the glen below.

"Oh look," said the oak. "A young son of a beech."

"Actually I think it's son of a birch," said the maple.

They turned to a male woodpe...

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"Don't knock masturbation..."

"It's sex with someone you love."... Woody Allen.

Moar...

'Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.'

And lastly...

'My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.'

Two rabbits were chased by hounds

They ran until they couldn't run anymore. Holed up in a hollow log, the rabbits were safely out of reach while the hounds bayed outside.

The boy rabbit looked at the girl rabbit and asked, "What do we do now?"

"We stay here until we outnumber them."
- Woody Guthrie

New Job.......

Barry is seated at a small table in a warmly lit coffee shop sipping coffee.
Barry’s friend Felix enters looking somewhat dubious. (Felix bares a remarkable resemblance to Woody Allen.) He spots Barry and joins him at the table.
BARRY: Did you find a job?
FELIX: Yeah. I got a job at a...

Name three things that come in a little yellow box

Kodak film, Dots candy and Woody Allen.

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