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Violating Jokes

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

They arrested me for violating human rights...

...Good thing they didn't find all those human lefts.

Don't worry if you're violating quarantine.

It'll be fine.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'd like some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some H20, too.”

The bartender says, “You damn fool! Don't ingest disinfectants! You’re supposed to be scientists—act like it, for pity’s sake. And how’d you even find an open bar violating the stay-at-home order?”

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

Two musicians, violating social distancing

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

A man walks into a bar...

He is slapped in the face. Slapped in the face with a fine for violating lockdown rules.

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

I was out on the street, minding my own business...

when this guy Norman came up to me out of nowhere. I know his name because he immediately introduced himself without bothering to see if I was interested. I did not respond, yet he continued on, trying to strike up a conversation with me. I had things to do, so I pretended not to notice him.

...

The other day I was fishing for compliments

The coast guard told me I was VERY good at violating provincial hunting and fishing laws

What happens if you’re caught peeing in public?

You’ll be arrested for violating the penal code.

If you overthrow the government in exactly seventeen syllables...

... is it a Hai-coup?

Technically a bilingual pun, hope that's not violating rule 8...

My kind of guy

A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women. After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules. It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women's floor ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man drives past a farm

He looks out in the field and sees a man fucking a sheep. He yells, "Oh, my god, that's sick! I've got to do something!"

He pulls up to the farmhouse, gets out, and knocks on the door. A young man answers.

"Excuse me sir," the man says. "But I think you should know there's a man in you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tourists in Australia

George and Ethel retired, and decided to take a vacation in Australia and see the Outback. While driving through the Outback, they came over a hill, and on the side of the road was a bushman having sex with a kangaroo. George quickly shielded his wife's eyes while they drove by.

A few miles...

A young kid from the inner city only ever dreamed of being a dancer

Lacey worked really hard and started to gain some attention until a tragic accident destroyed her left knee. She lost her job at the dance company and thus her insurance, leaving her with a shattered knee and broken dreams.

Then she saw a commercial for these brand new knee replacements, Mah...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer buys a rooster for his hens but with a warning from the seller...

A farmer needs to buy a rooster for his hens but the seller warns him that the rooster is unusually amorous and will attempt to copulate with any living creature.

Since the farmer is in dire need after a few foxes have made off with his previous roosters, he takes the risk as part of the bar...

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