The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

I used to like Mitch Hedburg

Then he died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work as a penis inspector

The pay wasn't good but the tips were great!

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

I used to eat a lot of cold cuts, but I recently stopped.

I quit cold turkey.

What's the most common vehicle used to run men over?

The menstrual cycle!

I used to work for Chicken of the Sea, until a new supervisor became convinced that I was actually a tuna disguised as a human

It was because of this that I was later wrongfully canned

my European friend and I used to play chess.

he was my Czech mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

I used to have a great joke about baking, and then I ruined it

I should never have left that pun in the oven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my girlfriend used to smoke after sex

so we started using lube.

I used to be addicted to soap.

But I’m clean now.

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

I used to be a male trapped in a women's body

Then I was born.

I used to fear the robot apocalypse

But now, after seeing how dangerous stupid people can be...

I'll take artificial intelligence over no intelligence any day.

You know I always used to think that my girlfriend was just not funny.

That was until I realized that she told me jokes everyday! Like “I love you” or “I never cheated on you”

My elderly relatives used to say to me "you'll be next", during weddings.

They soon stopped though once I started doing the same to them at funerals

I used to hate when I accidentally ate seeds

But recently, they've been growing on me.

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank asked Joe what function key on a Windows PC is used to spell check

Joe responded: “F5”

Frank said “No that’s refreshing my browser page”

Joe said “No look at the window!! Fucking F5!”

Frank angrily replied “DUDE! I’m looking! it’s refreshing the page, not spell check!!”

Frank took some initiative and looked it up himself to find that the...

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned

I just couldn't concentrate.

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the defense attorney that used to be a prostitute?

He helped a lot of people get off.

I used to know a Spanish magician...

He told me that he could disappear on the count of three.

Then he said *uno, dos.....*

and disappeared without a tres.

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’

**Until that accident**

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

I used to be able to hold my breath for 45 seconds

Then I learned I didn’t know how to count.

I used to be against organ transplants

But then I had a change of heart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

I used to make a living by circumcising elephants

The pays were lousy but the tips were huge!

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!"

He hated it.

My brother used to constantly ask me what was in the box

Like god dammit,we were at a funeral and i felt so akward

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

I asked my uncle what he used to do when he got bored at my age. Never got an answer...

From him or his 24 kids.

They used to be called 'jumpolines'...

...until your mom jumped on one

My doctor used to work as a server

Every time a patient leaves, he said "Thanks, come again! Actually, nevermind."

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."

“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens."

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them “Jays here but Jacks off all day.”

What common item from a hardware store can be used to fasten a duck to a fence?

Duct ta......nope, a nail gun.

I used to be young and stupid.

But now I got older.

I used to live in an apartment with three young women . . .

. . . until they found me.

I used to work with a Vampire

He was a real pain in the neck.

I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian

I am a comedian today and nobody is laughing

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

I used to live in a flat

I used to live in a flat with 3 girls
One day
They found out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I used to know this guy named Richard..

Everyone always called him a Dick, but I thought he was pretty nice.

I used to play the triangle in the symphony but I quit.

I couldn't deal with it anymore. It was just one 'ting' after another.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below.

He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be addicted to masturbating

I overcame so much

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

I used to be a dyslexic insomniac agnostic...

I lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog

I used to date a Welsh girl with 32 D’s.

It was a ridiculously long name.

I used to be a spacecraft engineer.

My efforts were all for naut.

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

I used to work as a painter

I took up the occupation to broaden my horizons

We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone.

Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.

The first animals to leave the ocean probably probably weren't too used to life on land.

You could even say they were like fish out of water.

I used to have delusions that I was living in the past.

I'm fine today though and that happened hundreds of years ago.

I used to date a red head.

She didn’t have any hair just a red head.

I used to date this German woman named Vera

Now, I make a lot of puns, and Vera always hated them and sighed annoyedly at them. Every pun I made: sigh sigh sigh.

We used to get into fights about it. Big, trench-warfare fights: I wanted her to stop sighing in exasperation, and she wanted me to stop making bad puns.

Eventually we ...

I used to play triangle in a reggae band.

I would stand at the back and ting.

A woman whose husband was a photographer was quite used to him returning home late almost every day.

On asked why, he'd reply, "I had to shoot a car crash" or "I had to shoot a football game" or something similar. A friend decided to pay her a visit once. On asking how late her husband would be, she replied, not intending to shock her, "I don't know... He's gone to shoot the President."

I used to have a friend that was great at golf.

They had a stroke.

I didn't used to like facial hair...

but then it grew on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos.

She had to stop after a problem with squatters

I used to believe there was an ocean of soda.

Then I came to terms that it was just a fanta sea.

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

I used to sell loose onions

Until I got the sack

"We're used to sharing everything"

An elderly man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries, and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing the other half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in ...

My dad is see through and used to be a woman.

He’s a transparent trans-parent.

I used to be good at improvisation...

But now I just make it up as I go along.

I Used to be a Lifeguard

until some blue kid got me fired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was 1988. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot...

... One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond n...

I used to work at the unemployment office.

I hated it because when they fired me, I had to show up at work anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be good at telling jokes...

But now I just punch up the fuck line.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

I used to do a lot of tap dancing

but I kept falling in the sink

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

I used to like Russian dolls

Until i realised they were full of themselves

My twin brother and I used to finish each other's sentences ...

but now he's in jail.

My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named...

Imma and Urra.

When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums...

Now, they have cameras.

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it.

If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill

...those were the Goodyears.

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to shave my testicles with a straight razor.

Nowadays I lack the balls to do so

My friend used to run a hotel, but now he runs an Airbnb. I asked him if this change in job gave him any new challenges.

He said no, it’s entirely inn keeping.

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

My ex-wife and I used to go camping.

But it just became two in tents.

When your canals don't work like they used to before, And I can't sweep past by your fleet, Will your cargo still remember the haste that I drove? Will your passage be blocked up for weeks?

'Cause, honey, your hull will always go slow, it's evergreen.



\~Capt. Ed Sheeran

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My German girlfriend used to rate me after sex

One time she suggested we try anal and the whole time she was screaming nine! Nine!

I was like yes! Best I ever did tbh.

I used to be a ventriloquist, until I lost my dummy.

Now I'm just a schizophrenic.

I used to work with a hard working guy who didn't know the meaning of the word surrender, or the meaning of the word capitulate, didn't even know the meaning of the word abandon....

When he retired we bought him a dictionary.

My girlfriend told me "I used to be Christian"

"That's fine" I replied "I don't see why that would bother me"

"Good" She said "because I'm so much happier as Christina"

I used to have the skeeziest math teacher...

He was an absolute sumlord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Y’know I used to hate my tits when I was growing up.

They’ve grown on me.

Did you hear about the knight who used to take his slain enemies' foreskins as trophies?

His name was Sir Cumcision

Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

I used to perform in a backup group.

We were called "The Plumbers". Most of our gigs were in kitchens and bathrooms.

I used to have a hard time understanding which GPU to buy for my computer.

But since the prices are now in the names, it's much more simple!

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old one my dad used to tell...

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day, and the agents like "good news! I got you a part in a play! It's only one line, but it's the opener and could be your big shot! Okay so the line is..

'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'..
Got that? 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend used to ring a bell every time she wanted sex.

Now it’s hard for me to walk past a church.

I used to do drugs...

I mean, I still do, but I used to too.

Credit: Hitch Medberg

I used to have a dog that was only a head.

Very happy dog. One day I was drinking a beer and he wanted a sip. Who am I to deny him?

He had a sip and a body grew on his head! So I gave him a drink. A leg formed! Another drink, another leg, then another, and another. A final drink and he had a tail!

By now he was really drunk and...

I used to love telling jokes about penguins and ostriches

But it turns out they don't really fly around here

Did you hear about the nun who used to punt her laundry into the hamper every day?

Last I heard she kicked the habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have a crippling additiction to foot porn...

So I joined a 12-step program.

I used to think two was the only word that started with TW...

but then I checked twice, and sure enough it does too.

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

So I used to love watching football in Egypt when I visit my friends in Morocco, but I’ve been understanding it less and less.

The games keep getting more confusing, it usually goes like: Mohamed passes to Mohamed, and he runs up then passes it to Mohamed, but then Mohamed intercepted the ball. Mohamed is now running up the field and passes it to Mohamed, and Mohamed shoots, but the goalie Mohamed blocks the shot. Then Moha...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.