Used To Jokes - 111 Hilarious Used To Jokes

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia!

But then I figured I was just flogging a dead horse.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

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I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

The Earth used to be flat,

but then they buried yo mama.

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

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I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.

Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

If the Titan is used to explore the wreck of the Titanic, what explores the wreck of the Titan?

The Tit.

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.

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I used to have a German girlfriend... [NSFW]

We used to rate our sexual experiences out of 10.

We tried anal once and she yelled out 9! 9! the whole time

My best ever score.

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

My late grandfather used to say:

Sorry I'm late

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

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I used to be a traveling salesman.

One day when I solicited a home a young child answered the door. He was wearing pantyhose, a far too big housecoat, and nothing else. He held a lit cigarette in one hand and I could see an open bottle of whiskey on the table of the foyer.
I asked him "Are your parents home?"
After a long drag ...

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

I used to be a male trapped in a females body...

Then I was born.

I used to have a rare psychological disorder that made me think I was various bodies of water.

I'm well now.

I used to really enjoy political jokes...

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

*I'll fetch my coat of arms*

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The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty...

But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".

There was a man in France who used to drive a train for a living...

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made i...

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

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I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

I used to run a dating service for chickens

but I was struggling to make hens meet.

I used to be addicted to soap....

I'm clean now.

Wife: I used to be a Christian.

Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\...

I used to have an addiction to ham.

But now I'm cured.

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I just had to pay to refill the air in my tyres. It used to be free!!

Fucking inflation

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

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I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health

So i quit thinking.

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I used to date a twin

People would ask me alll the time, "how do you tell them apart?" And I'd reply, "Well it's simple you see, Jill would always paint her nails blue, and john had a cock."

I used to work at a bank,

an old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...

Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"

I used to love beans

Until I met Broccoli. Then I had a change of fart.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

My Uncle Bill used to tell me that the secret to great theatre was ‘always leave them wanting more’…..

Lovely bloke, terrible anaesthetist.

My first wife used to mow the lawn naked.

My neighbors always knew I married her for her money.

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I used to be addicted to Viagra…

… hardest time of my life!

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin

I used to be in a reggae band once. I played the triangle.

I ended up leaving though, it was just one ting after another.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

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I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

I used to dance the Hokey Pokey compulsively

but then I turned myself around.

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

It used to be called a Jumpoline..

Untill your mom jumped on it.

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

I used to be a TERRIBLE procrastinator

Now I'm great at it, I get zero things done.

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

Just read a really sad story about how blind people get used to their new surroundings....

Touching stuff.

I used to work in a calender factory.

I got fired for taking a few days off.

I used to have a fear of speed bumps

But I'm slowly getting over it

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What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

When I was younger,I used to love making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom started hiding the urn

I used to think chiropractic adjustments didn't work.

I stand corrected

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

I tell ya, my old man. He used to take me hunting.

Told me I had a 3 minute head start!

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

I used to play piano by ear.

I had to stop because of the bruises.

I used to say 'Only the sky is the limit'

Guess that's why I lost my job at NASA.

Did you know, I used to own a airplane company?

We sold planes with no wings,

But it never really took off.

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

I used to work as a programmer at auto correct.

They fried me for no reason

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

Back in the day I used to weightlift like crazy.

I'm a history buff

I used to be a theatrical electrician

We had a joke that went:

How tall is an electrician?
Beats me, I never saw one stand up.

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My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records

until the librarian told me to take it out.

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

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