UPJOKE

I Used To Work Jokes

i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.

I used to work at a bank,

an old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

I used to work in a calender factory.

I got fired for taking a few days off.

I used to work as a programmer at auto correct.

They fried me for no reason

I used to work for an origami company

Until it folded

I used to work at an unemployment office...

which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.

I used to work at a chemical factory, but I had to quit

It was a toxic environment

I used to work as desktop support

I was a table leg.

I used to work in an art supply store.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

I used to work at the circus

I was the guy that circumcised the elephants.

The pay wasn't great, but the tips were huge.

I used to work in a circus for a few years. I was quite handy.

I was the only person who could get the tent back in the bag.

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

I used to work at a parrot training facility but I had to quit.

I couldn't take all the talking behind my back.

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

I used to work as a cook in a Victorian orphanage.

It was grueling.

I used to work in a car wash, but I wasn't very productive.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the most practical place for a painter.

I used to work at a deli…

But I quit slicing cold turkey.

I used to work as a bed salesman

One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.

I used to work with a Vampire

He was a real pain in the neck.

I used to work at a coal mine

But I left because the bars didn't allow miners

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.

Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work with a guy who watched porn all day

I’m just glad he didn’t begin to rub off on me

I used to work as a painter

I took up the occupation to broaden my horizons

I used to work doing Colonoscopies when I got home I would tell my wife

Another tough day at the orifice.

I used to work at a cats home

I used to work at a cats home, but I had to leave. They reduced meowers..

I used to work in food service, now I work in IT

The biggest difference is the phrase "My server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

I used to work for a traveling carnival.

My buddy got me the job as he was part of the show. He had spent years training bees to land in his hand without them stinging him. It was quite a feat. He even grew so attached the he named his most recent bee "Uty" as we were traveling through Utah at the time.

One day, I hear my buddy shou...

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them “Jays here but Jacks off all day.”

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

I used to work at a convenience store

Until working there became and inconvenience

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop...

It was sole destroying

I used to work tunneling through cemeteries.

It was dead boring.

I used to work in a sausage factory

Until I backed into a grinder and got a little behind in my work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work at a place that only hired people called Richard.

The owner was a real Dick.

So I used to work in a keyboard factory

I got fired because I always lost CTRL and because of that I went HOME and lost a lot of SHIFTS. I guess F8 didn't want me to work there.

I used to work for a submarine manufacturing company.

Unfortunately, it went under

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work with a guy from Tijuana who had two penises...

...he named one Hose A, and one Hose B.

I used to work hard

but that really cute girl quit last week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center

A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her

"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm"

the wife replies "oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work"

I used to work for Chicken of the Sea, until a new supervisor became convinced that I was actually a tuna disguised as a human

It was because of this that I was later wrongfully canned

I used to work in a lumberjack camp...

But my boss gave me the axe.

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory...

but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

[credit to Stephen Wright]

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

I used to work in a napkin factory in Russia...

I was in The Serviette Union.

I used to work with a guy called Kelvin.

He was an absolute unit!

I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1.

It didn’t fly.

I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

I used to work at a start up mint

It was sort of confusing to me.
But now it makes all the cents in the world.

I used to work in a messy munitions and glue factory

I asked for a pay rise, but the management stuck to their guns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Years ago I used to work at the circus and we had some wonderful acts I remember the fat tattooed lady..

Now they're fucking everywhere...

I used to work in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.

I felt it wasn't going anywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work as a prostitute...

... due to lack of fucks to give I quit my job.

Years ago I used to work as a secretary for the mafia.

I was involved in very organized crime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people

But I quit, because I could not stand them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work at a bar that had 3 entrances

One night a really drunk guy comes stumbling in the first entrance. He comes up to me and tries to order a drink

I say “sir I’m sorry but you’re really drunk and I can’t serve you; I’m gonna need you to leave.”

He leaves then I see him come in the 2nd entrance.

I walk up to him ...

I used to work in a helium factory...

But I left, because I didn't like the way they spoke to me...

[Read the second part with a helium voice.]

I used to work for a mad scientist

He was a real visionary, or so I thought at the time. Eccentric, yet fiercely intelligent. His work was on genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins. We were making them stronger, faster and above all *smarter*-and after all its well known that dolphins are already very intelligent. ...

I used to work in children’s wear,

but I grew out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work for Disney, but their offices were always so hot during the summer.

I guess they don't give a shit about fans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work at a muffler shop...

That shit was exhausting. Then I got a job a vacuum store, but it sucked even more.

I used to work for a mining company . . .

It was a boring job; just a slow daily grind.

I would find myself in a depression everyday; unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

One day, the whole drill got to be too dull and as I was about to do something to remedy the situation, everything started to crumble down aroun...

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

I used to work in the black market removing and selling animal tails

I don't really want to get into the de\-tails

I used to work in a parasol company and I've gotta tell you,

it was some shady business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work at a sewage plant...

... I saw some serious shit.

I used to work for a construction company, until one day...

My boss approached me on the jobsite and said, "Hey, we need a new wheelbarrow. There's a hardware store just down the street. Take this purchase order and grab us one."

So I do as I'm told and head to the hardware store. I come back a few minutes later with two wheelbarrows; one stacked i...

I used to work as a waiter...

...the hours were terrible, but hey, it put food on the table.

I used to work in an eastern european fraud office.

I had to check czech cheques.

I used to work in a haunted pub...

There was spirits everywhere.

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?” The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

I used to work in a darkroom developing photographs...

but I quit because there was too much negativity.

I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn't concentrate.

So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then i gave being a barber a go. But I didn't cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn't suited for the job.

I was visiting my hometown and I drove past the data recovery center I used to work at.

It really brought back a lot of memories.

I used to work at a french fry stand

I was way over quali**fried**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work in an ER, one day my asshole ex boyfriend came in with some deep lacerations to his abdomen,

When I saw him I said, “you’ve got a lot of guts coming in here.”

I used to work with a hard working guy who didn't know the meaning of the word surrender, or the meaning of the word capitulate, didn't even know the meaning of the word abandon....

When he retired we bought him a dictionary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work with this black lady who had one arm and one leg...

...we called her Elbony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work in a recording studio. My boss always told me the three biggest lies in the music industry are ......

1: The check's in the mail.
2: We can fix it in post.
3: Don't worry, I won't cum in your mouth.

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