Turn Off Jokes - 30 Hilarious Turn Off Jokes

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector ...

‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when women turn off the light before having sex...

It makes it really difficult for me to see them through the window...

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked hitler how to turn off my phone

He said: Bro, use the auff switchz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone...

He turns to his copilot and says:
"I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."
When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm...

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What is the biggest turn off when having sex?

When you wife says: Honey, I'm home!

My GF told me to “Turn off the light and stick it in my ass”

I guess I should’ve waited for the bulb to cool down

What do single mothers in my area find to be the biggest turn off?

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I decided to turn off the overhead fan because I was getting cold…

I don’t know why everyone else on the helicopter is freaking out so much!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

I was listening to the orchestra but I had to turn off the radio...

There was too much sax and violins.

Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup?

Turn off the Playstation.

I went to the store to buy some condoms

Cashier asked me if I needed a bag, I said " nah, ill just turn off the lights"

When you turn off auto correct

ALL LOPE IS HOST!

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The ...

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a pilot forgets to turn off the PA

A pilot gets on the PA

"Hello flight 828, we've reached cruising altitude, the seatbelt sign has been turned off" etc, that kind of stuff. Then a big plop is heard, and it becomes apparent that the pilot forgot to turn of the PA. Then the pilot says to presumingly the co-pilot, "Man, I wish I...

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot addresses his passengers prior to take off but he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He leans over to his copilot and says, "hey, I'm gonna take a shit and then go get a blowjob from that hot blonde stewardess"

The Blonde stewardess bolts for the cockpit and an old woman screams, "slowdown honey, he said he had to take a shit first."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was on this plane right, and the pilot does his normal deal, well when he was done he didn't turn off the speaker, and he turns to his Co pilot and goes...

"ya know what I could go for, a good blowjob and a coffee", well the flight attendant goes running to the front of the plane, and as she ran by I said "Hey sweetheart you forgot the coffee!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a flight from New York to London, waiting to take off. The Captain finished the pre-flight announcements and must have forget to turn off his mic and the next thing we here is...

“You know what Steve; what I’d really like right now is a blow job and a coffee.”

A flight attendant, hearing this going out to the entire plane, started to rush to the cockpit to inform the captain that the mic was still on. The guy next to me yelled out “Hey, Miss! Don’t forget the coffee...

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

What do cubs fans do after they win the world series?

They turn off their Xbox.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting at a bar at closing time, complaining to his friend.

How is it I always get in trouble with my wife for staying at the bar so late and you never get in trouble with your wife? When I come home from a night out, I do everything so quietly. I turn off my car and coast into the driveway. I sneak in the basement door. I take off my clothes in the baseme...

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

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