A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night

It's now appraised at $750,000.

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Owing to the TP shortage, I've been using a picher and water to clean my butt...

.... baseball players will do anything for money now that the season is postponed.

Where did the Terminator find TP?

Aisle B, back.

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If the TP shortage has taught us one thing.

It’s that there are way too many assholes out there.

I TP’d my old maths teacher’s house last night.

He was always very supportive of me in school and I wanted to do something nice.

My house got TP'd yesterday

It's now been assessed at $875,000.

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TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

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What does the U.S.S Enterprise have in common with TP?

They both circle Uranus wiping out cling-ons.

A physicist, an economist, and a mathematician decide to TP a house.

A physicist, an economist, and a mathematician decide to TP a house.

The physicist does some calculations and says, “We should buy 2-ply toilet paper in order to maximize kinetic energy.”

The economist thinks for a moment and replies, “But single-ply toilet paper would maximize the am...

What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP?

Bidet mate!

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A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

The 12 Days of Corona

In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery S...

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

The alphabet in 2021: ABDFGHJKLMNOQSVWXYZ.

There will be no more ER, ICU, or TP.

Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?

No, she just shakes it off.

PS: please share the tp everyone.

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

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NSFW My friend stopped over the other day

So I took the toilet paper off the hanger and left a dildo in its place.

If he thinks he's getting my TP he can go fuck himself !

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Life pro tip: Be a dick to neighborhood kids

They’ll tp your house, then you’ll have toilet paper!

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...

My neighbor and I have been arguing for weeks about who has the more assets

So I TP'd his house.


The year getting your house TP'd raised it's value.

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A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend.

He lost almost all of his money and had only just enough for the plane ticket back home. He finds a taxi waiting outside the casino which he get's into and proceeds tp explain his predicament and that he'd send the driver the money for the fare when he got home.

The driver doesn't care "Liste...

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NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

Why was the Indian named Brown Behind?

Because he had no TP.

Why did the Native American undergo cellular respiration?

To make A TP

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One time I went trick or treating...

And I got to this one house that gave me this lame ass chocolate. It wasn't the candy I wanted. So I TP'd their house, threw eggs, and anything else you could think of doing for the "trick." The police ended up catching me and I was brought in for questioning. They asked me why I did it. There was n...

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the moral of the story...

A fish is swimming in the pond and looks up and sees a fly just out of reach, and thinks to himself,
" if that fly drops just six inches I'll jump up and have a nice lunch!"
While the fish is swimming under the fly a bear is watching from the shore. he sees the fish following the fly and think...

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