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Tp Jokes

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The man the woman and the tp

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper an...

Where did the Terminator find TP?

Aisle B, back.

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TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

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If the TP shortage has taught us one thing.

It’s that there are way too many assholes out there.

What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP?

Bidet mate!

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What does the U.S.S Enterprise have in common with TP?

They both circle Uranus wiping out cling-ons.

A physicist, an economist, and a mathematician decide to TP a house.

A physicist, an economist, and a mathematician decide to TP a house.

The physicist does some calculations and says, “We should buy 2-ply toilet paper in order to maximize kinetic energy.”

The economist thinks for a moment and replies, “But single-ply toilet paper would maximize the am...

I had a major breakthrough while on the toilet at work today.

Really wish they'd buy thicker TP.

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

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Think of this every time I check out

I'm in the grocery store ready to check out. Hot pockets, pack of ramen, single roll of TP, bottle of soda,

Cute cashier looks at me "Single?" she asks

"Heh yeah what have it away?"

"You're fucking ugly"

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Tom and George like to hunt.

At the beginning of deer season Tom and George took a week off work and together headed to their favorite spot to hunt. On the first night, Tom drops a ten point buck and they go ahead and cut it open to make some deer stew and beans.

Well Tom is kind of a jokester and knew that George would...

The alphabet in 2021: ABDFGHJKLMNOQSVWXYZ.

There will be no more ER, ICU, or TP.

Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?

No, she just shakes it off.

PS: please share the tp everyone.

The 12 Days of Corona

In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery S...

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Life pro tip: Be a dick to neighborhood kids

They’ll tp your house, then you’ll have toilet paper!

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NSFW My friend stopped over the other day

So I took the toilet paper off the hanger and left a dildo in its place.

If he thinks he's getting my TP he can go fuck himself !

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A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...

Why was the Indian named Brown Behind?

Because he had no TP.

Trump/Pence 2016!

Or "TP" as I like to call it. ;)

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A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend.

He lost almost all of his money and had only just enough for the plane ticket back home. He finds a taxi waiting outside the casino which he get's into and proceeds tp explain his predicament and that he'd send the driver the money for the fare when he got home.

The driver doesn't care "Liste...

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NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

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the moral of the story...

A fish is swimming in the pond and looks up and sees a fly just out of reach, and thinks to himself,
" if that fly drops just six inches I'll jump up and have a nice lunch!"
While the fish is swimming under the fly a bear is watching from the shore. he sees the fish following the fly and think...

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