Cv Jokes - 18 Hilarious Cv Jokes

I once lied on my CV to get a job as a window cleaner

I thought I'd get fired but my boss couldn't see through it

My Horse tested positive for CV-19

He's in a Stable condition...

Job interviewer: It said in your cv your quick at mathematics

Me: yeah

Job interviewer: so whats 17×36

Me : 96

Job interviewer: thats not even close

Me : yeah.....but it was quick

Never lie on your CV . . .

. . . It'll get all crumpled

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

In his CV, a Job applicant mentioned country of origin as China

That's a red flag.

The job interviewer said, "On your CV, you say that your biggest weakness is your memory."

I said, "No...I didn't put that, did I?!"

I got a job as a stand up with a comic sans resume, but i lost my CV

Now im a comic sans resume

I went to a job interview at EA

The interviewer, after reading my CV, said:

"I see that this CV was clearly printed on two pages, but I only have one. Where's the other one?"

"Page two is 19.99$"

[Interview] Boss: I see you majored in communication.

Man: No. Miscommunication.

Boss: But your CV clearly says ‘Communication’.

Man: See?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Funny.

A labourer applies for a job on a farm.

The farmer asked him if he had experience and what he was particularly good at.

The labourer gave him his CV and said that he could actually communicate with animals.

The farmer wanted to test him and took him to the chicken shed.

O...

I had a job interview yesterday...

The chap conducting the interview had a copy of my CV in front of him. He said to me

"It says here you're a man of mystery"

"That's correct" I replied

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"No"

At a job interview,

Interviewer: There’s a gap in your CV. What were you doing in 2020?

Me: I was washing my hands...

GCSEs: Who needs them?

I've been lying on my CV for years and no one has checked them.

B in maths? I can't even count to B.

A man is at a job interview

The interviewer goes over his cv and says: "I see that you speak 14 languages, including Esperanto?"
"Yeah", the man says, "I used to live there for a while."

To anyone who works at McDonalds who is feeling bad about their life choices just remember...

You can technically put White House Catering staff on your CV now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

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