UPJOKE
thethonthemtheirhersthathishiminwhichofhethosewhoher

The Apprentice Jokes

The blacksmith hires an apprentice

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith

A Native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

What does the blacksmith say to the apprentice after graduation?

May the Forge be with you!

Did everyone catch The Season Finale of the Apprentice President?

I think it received huge ratings, it was an extended episode that went into the night.

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

What did the Mexican carpet layer say to the apprentice?

Underlay underlay!

A hangman was showing his apprentice around the gallows...

A hangman was showing his apprentice around the gallows when they arrived at all the different nooses

“Why do you need so many nooses?” Asked the apprentice

“Well you see, the first one is the 5 o’clock noose. The second one is the 7 o’clock noose and this third one is the 9 o’clock n...

The apprentice lion tamer

The old lion tamer is retiring, and is training a replacement. He and the apprentice stand outside the lion cage.

Apprentice: "So, what if I'm in the cage and the lion starts getting aggressive?"

Lion tamer: "Well, you have to assert dominance. Stare him in the eyes to show him you're ...

A fisherman had been working tirelessly for a year.

One day he took a break as he desperately needed one to rest and relax, but his job still had to be done.

He hired an apprentice to do the fishing for him on that day. The fisherman said "Just be sure to not sell any of my fish. Leave that to me"

The apprentice said "Don't worry, I'm n...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching CNN.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Door # 1, 2 or 3

He went to Hell and expected to be greeted by Satan himself, when an apprentice approached him, saying, "Welcome to Hell =] !!" When he asked about seeing the boss, was told in due time but now he would have to choose one of three doors/rooms where within to spend eternity...

He asked if he c...

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

A steam train engineer had a new apprentice... [long]

The older man showed the young lad the coal car, the boiler, and so on.

"What should I call you, lad?" the engineer barked.

"Charles, sir," replied the apprentice timidly.

"I have been working steam trains for thirty years," the older man roared, "and I have \_never\_ addressed ...

Construction

A construction worker falls off a building and dies. His boss instructs the apprentice to go to his wife and tell her the sad news.

After an hour the apprentice comes back with 2 beer crates. His boss is furious:

„I didn’t tell you to buy beer, I told you to inform Mrs Smith that her h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is about to die,

A fellow apprentice is with him, during his last days,



During the last moments the dying priest says "I will do everything in my power to get in contact with you once i'll be... there you know"



Quite surprised of this the apprentice nods and listens carefully to thi...

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away

A Jedi apprentice was sitting in a local cantina as a pretty young lady came strolling in. She walks up to the bar and asks if the seat next to him was taken, to which he replied "no, it's all yours if you'd like to take a seat" they get to talking a little bit and he asks her "may i buy you a drink...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carpenter on the third floor of a building site forgot to bring his saw up with him...

...he shouts down to the apprentice but the kid can't hear him, so he does sign language. He points to his eye "I", his knee "need", and then moves his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The apprentice nods, pulls down his pants and starts to wank. The furious carpenter runs downstairs and says, "...

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An apprentice mortician is doing his first solo.

It turns out to be a 95 yo woman who died of natural causes. The head mortician thinks it should be a simple one to start, so he leaves the apprentice to his work and heads to his office.

About an hour later, the apprentice comes and asks him for help.

“What is it?” The head morticia...

I have to say after watching the impeachment voting...

This has to be the most interesting season of the apprentice yet!

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.

A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this general contractor...

Is working on the 5th floor of a new apartment complex, he takes a measurement then goes to his tools for his handsaw, only to see that it wasn't with his stuff. After looking around the floor a bit he steps onto the half-built balcony to look down at his truck. Lo and behold, his handsaw is sitting...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young apprentice flukes his exams and gets to do his first autopsy.

He walks to his supervisor. "er, excuse me.."
"What is it ?"
"Umm, it's Mrs Pratt, there's something wrong.."
"Well come on man, spit it out"
"There's a um, a b-big shrimp stuck in her er, vagina"
His supervisor turns around and stares at him.
"um, a a, s-super shrimp, r-right in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

A man goes to a barbershop...

Asks the barber, what time do you close today? Barber says 4:30 and the man walks off. Man comes in the next day asks what time the barber closes shop, barber says 5 o'clock and the man walks off. This goes on for some time and one day the barber sends an apprentice to follow the man. The appren...

What to watch on TV tonight

A few days ago, I was watching George Michael videos. A couple of days ago, it was a Star Wars marathon. Tonight? The Apprentice.

How will Trump select his cabinet?

The Apprentice: the White House

Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.