UPJOKE
booktextbooklanguagepagedictionarypassagematterchaptercopywordswordletterbibleprefaceintroduction

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. ...
upvote downvote report

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
upvote downvote report

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically n...
upvote downvote report

Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, sen...
upvote downvote report

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...
upvote downvote report

Next time someone texts you to say "call me"...

Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.
upvote downvote report

"I don't like to send money via texts, so I need you to prove you're really my nephew. How many fingers am I holding up on my right hand?"

--This is a text, how should I know?

"I'm an amputee, and you'd know"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A Blonde texts her friend

A blonde texts her friend and asks "what does IDK stand for?" The friend replies "I don't know" The blonde texts back "shit, no one seems to know"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man texts his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend - "Hey, how do you like this USED pussy?"

And gets a reply - "Thanks for asking! It feels brand new after first 2 inches".

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
upvote downvote report

Normally we use commas in texts to pause it,

but if you get into a comma, is it a pause in your life?
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

No one texts me

but as soon as I start masturbating y'all wanna interrupt

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A new monk arrives at the monastery

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there wa...

He texts her:

"I can't wait to come over tonight. I'm gonna eat you out!". . . She replies: " I have sardines in red sauce" . . . . . . . > He texts back: " I don't think you get it". . . She: " I don't think you get it either".
upvote downvote report

A wife sent a message to her husband..

A wife sent a message to her husband: โ€œDonโ€™t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.โ€

Husband: Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But Iโ€™m with Priscilla right now, so which Prisci...
upvote downvote report

When she texts "I Love You"...

but Auto-correct changes it to "who is this"
upvote downvote report

My phone keeps changing critical words in important texts.

Autocorrect, you've made a powerful enema today.
upvote downvote report

Two Monks Are Copying Ancient Texts

One of the monks begins to wonder, what if the original texts had entirely different meanings because of other monks' mistakes in their translations over the years? They decide to go find some of the original texts and find out.

One of the monks ventures into the catacombs to find one of the ...
upvote downvote report

Dad texts his son before his wedding

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:
"I know."
upvote downvote report

A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my f...
upvote downvote report

An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?"

His boss answers "I don't know." The employee replies "I'm not coming in this
morning!"
upvote downvote report

A mom texts , "Hi Son, so what does IDK,LY, & TTYL mean?"

He texts back ," I don't know, Love you ,Talk to you later".

The mom texts ,"it's ok, Don't worry about it, I will ask your sister , love you too"
upvote downvote report

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...
upvote downvote report

I was taking a break at work when I got a weird text from my wife...

"HoneyIcan'tusethespacebaronmyphoneandnowallmytextslooklikethis!Pleasegivemeanalternative!"

I rushed home as fast as I could, but what's a ternative?
upvote downvote report

The wife texts her mathematician husband to purchase eggs while he is at the grocery store

Husband: How many eggs should i get?

Wife: Please get 6!

Husband: Ok.


*1 hour later*

Husband: I can't fit all 720 eggs in the car. Can you come help me?
upvote downvote report

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.

I think they may be trying to groom me.
upvote downvote report

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information