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Tell Me Jokes

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Alexa, tell me a joke

Alexa, tell me a joke. ...Alexa? Alexa?

Sorry, I wasn't listening. I thought you deserved some privacy.

Really? Well, that's nic-

Would you like to hear another joke?

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please tell me your best animal sound joke!

My kid loves animal sound jokes, whats the best you got?

His favourite is: What do cows do on Saturday night? They go to the mooooovies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genie: Tell Me, Whats Your First Wish?

Thomas: I Wish I Was Rich.



Genie: Granted, What's Your Second Wish?



Rich: Where The Fuck Is My Money Asshole?

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.

I know the drill.

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

Can anyone tell me the natural predator for young goats?

When I try to look it up I just get swatted

James, please tell me who is the idiot here, you or me?

Well sir, you don't look like a person who would employ an idiot.

“Can you please tell me the primary weapon used by ninjas?”

“Shuriken”

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

My Uncle Bill used to tell me that the secret to great theatre was ‘always leave them wanting more’…..

Lovely bloke, terrible anaesthetist.

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid

I love you.

My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me

I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

My boss just called me to tell me I’m responsible for the collapse of another bank.

I said “What? How can that be possible. I don’t even work in finance. I’m a builder”

I want you to tell me the minute my invisibility cloak starts working again.

Have I made myself clear?.

Ok doctor, tell me...

... How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Five

Patient: Five what?

Doctor: Four... Three... Two...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler: Tell me a joke!

Stalin: Ok, Moscow.

Hitler: ......I didn’t get it.

Stalin: Exactly

Man to woman: "So, tell me, how many guys have you slept with?

Woman : "I only slept with you. With all the others, I wasn't sleeping. "

People always tell me I’m condescending

(That means talking down to people)

"Tell me doctor, is my cat okay?"

"Well Dr. Schrödinger, I have good news and bad news..."

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to...

Without telling me you’re married, tell me you’re married.

I’ll start with “I’m sorry, you’re right”

Tell me a flat tire joke...

No pressure

No matter how much I torture him, Gollum won’t tell me where the Ring is.

Bad hobbits are really hard to break.

I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.

I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.

On a blind date, the girl told me, “Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

Me: I’m terrible with dates.

Her: Don’t worry. You’re doing fine so far.

Me: Christmas is on July 4th.

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

I asked my German girlfriend if she'd tell me how many people she'd slept with before me

She said 9

My dog: “daddy, I’m bored, tell me a joke”…

Me: “ok, here goes, knock knock…”

My dog: “WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF”

My friends tell me I make too many graphs…

but I know where to draw the line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgeme...

I programmed my smart fridge to tell me how much space each item is occupying.

I think it speaks volumes.

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks

Tell me a joke about abstinence

I’ll wait…

People tell me I have an alcochol problem.

But I don't, I just go to the store, buy it and be done with it.

My friends tell me I’m a contrarian

But I disagree!

My sons teacher called me today to tell me he'd hit a classmate with a set of Roman numerals.

That's not what I meant when I told him he should give bullies the old one-two.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dad always used to tell me that too much masturbation makes you go blind.

If only he could see me now.

A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket

But I don't think I could pull if off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police came to my door to tell me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

The fuck they are, I said. My dogs don't even have bikes.

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

Now You Tell Me

A preacher in New Orleans is known to be a good, holy man of God.

One day, while the preacher is at home, a hurricane whips up, with torrential rains and rising waters. His neighbor comes by, saying he's leaving, and would the preacher like ride? The preacher says, "No, the Lord will save me...

You know, people tell me organ meat is offal...

But personally I think German meats are the wurst.

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke

Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog

Dog: Oh, go on

Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand

Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese

Man: OK. Knock Knock

Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

When people come over to my house they always tell me I have a nice ceiling

I don’t think it’s the best but it’s up there.

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

You tell me Facebook is toxic

If you’ve got a better way to whack off to your coworkers I’d love to hear it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy - who I don't know - walks into the bar I'm at, sits down next to me, and starts telling me a story about his latest conquest

This guy sits next to me and says - "Hey man - last night I hooked up with this totally hot F'n girl. I was talking to this F'n chick for about half an hour."

He continues - "I asked her from where she was from - and it was my F'n home town. She went to the same F'n high school as me. I neve...

Tell me a joke about self-centered people

I’ll go first

I asked my friend if he could tell me what ethnicity Napoleon was.

He said course I can.

Just tell me mate

Ight guys I wanna make this guy mine and he loves jokes so tell me your best joke .

Well since this is a joke community I will tell a joke so the post won’t get deleted .

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

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