UPJOKE
heartachegriefsorrowmiseryheartbreakingagonydreaddespairmelancholylonelinessanguishlongingbittersweetwretchednesstorment

Heartbreak Jokes

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

A man's wife dies young

The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!

40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbr...

What is worse than heartbreak?

Waking up and realising your phone was not charging.

The most heartbreaking thing to ever happen to me.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend one night when my housemate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere. He tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Now I didn’t know Joseph *that* well - hell don’t even remember where he was from, but I managed to suppress my frustration ...

What's heartbreaking but heartwarming at the same time?

A flaming arrow to the chest

I met my daughter's teacher tonight, and it was heartbreaking.

She was working at her second job. Teachers are among the most underpaid and undervalued people on Earth.

I decided to give her $50 for a lap dance, so I'm doing my part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

I am so addicted to junk food...

...it's heartbreaking!

The English team visited an orphanage in brazil.

"It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope”,said Jose age 6.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population?

It’s called Chirpies.

What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s...

untweetable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Jazz bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist

Blues bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist.

Lots of musicians come, including an old man in a really shabby suit. People start playing, and all of them kinda "meh". Then it's the old man's turn to play. He goes up the stage and announces:

\- Now I'm gonna play my s...

I had to do a dissection today.

It was heartbreaking.

A friend of mine who was a doctor of 7 years got fired for sleeping with a patient

Really heartbreaking he was an astounding vet

Tom Petty died yesterday of a cardiac arrest

I blame the Heartbreakers

England players visited a russian orphanage yesterday ahead of the world cup...

''It was heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope'' said Vladimir aged 6.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are on a plane.

The engine dies and they know they're screwed.
Looking around the cabin they find only two parachutes.

The Englishman says "I'm the richest so I should get one of them. My money can do the most for the world"

The scotsman says "my families the biggest so I should get one, there'd be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man taking a walk along a pier...

... suddenly hears this heartbreaking sobbing. He goes to investigate the noise and finds a woman in a wheelchair, without arms or legs, crying her eyes out.

He rushes over and kneels down besides her, asking her if she's ok, has she been abandoned here?

"Well," She answers, through he...

Loooong, but maybe worth it.

A woman is pregnant in her teens...finally gives birth to two healthy twin boys. She’s young, and destitute, and knows she can’t take care of them or provide for them, and after a bit of soul searching she makes the heartbreaking decision to give the two boys up for adoption. Over the years she kept...

The magic mirror

Some say that there is a magic mirror in a shopping ladies room that could grant any wish if you tell it the truth, but will make you disappear if you lie in front of it.

Once there was a beautiful brunette that found this mirror and said:

- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the...

John and Sam were brothers.

Neither were married. John lived with their mother and Sam lived with his beloved cat.

One day, Sam learned that he had to go out of town for business. Not wanting to leave Fluffy alone for two weeks, he asked John to watch her. John agreed, and Sam brought her over a few days later.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.