Sold Jokes - 110 Hilarious Sold Jokes

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

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It was Bob’s first day working at a store that sold EVERYTHING…

…basically if it was a marketable, legal, commodity, the store sold it. At the end of the day, the store manager came up and asked, “So, how was your first day?”

Bob: “Pretty good, I got a $200,000 sale.”

Manager: “What, how?”

Bob: “I had a guy ask where the fishing worms were, ...

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I just sold viagra to a guy who thinks it's adderal.

He's going to have a very hard test tomorrow.

I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography.

That's the story of my life.

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

A farmer sold an old horse, but warned the buyer she didn't look too good.

The buyer insisted she looked well enough and bought her. A few days later, the buyer came back, complaining the horse kept bumping into things.

"The old mare's completely blind!" he shouted.

"Well, I told you she didn't look too good," the farmer replied.

A drug dealer sold me his shoes today

I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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A man was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too shor...

I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

Why is the eraser sold separately from the pencil?

Because you have to pay for your mistakes.

I sold my Kia Soul and bought a guitar and amp.

I guess you can say I sold my soul for rock n roll…

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

I was viewing a house being sold by a native american

i asked him if it came with running water,

He said 'no, get your own wife'

I just sold my collection of Swiss watches to a friend in Mexico City.

Adios Omegas.

I sold the ugly suit!

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ...

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Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

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I just sold my last gun butt

I'm completely out of stock

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Is the Viagra I've been sold fake?

As it stands, no.

I sold my car

So I could buy some gas.

Why the musician sold his computer...

Not enough gigs.

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, ...

When I sold my house...

The new owner called me up and asked; "How much wallpaper did you buy when you did the living room?". "12 rolls" I answered.

Three days later I got another angry call. "You said you bought 12 rolls of wallpaper, but I only needed 7!". "Funny", I responded, "I had the same thing!"

My father sold podiums

And he always stood behind his product

The gym just sold me a lifetime membership for my unborn baby.

I hope it works out.

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units.

I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you.

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

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If airlines sold paint (from Car Talk)

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's t...

Today, I ran into the guy who sold me an antique globe years ago.

It’s a small world.

What did the bodybuilder say when he saw the store had sold out of protein powder?

No whey!

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release because of a typo error.

The title read 'How to change your wife'.

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that sold his soul to Satan?

He is now forced to make presents in the North Pole for all eternity.

I sold my cabin out in the mountains to Sasquautch.

He paid me in cryptid currency.

his door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.

He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i ...

How would Metallica be called if they sold beds?

Nothing else matress

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled?

He made a dill with the devil.

So I sold my guitar...

I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."

All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.

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Husband and Wife

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for Peni$es. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his ...

Imagine if Apple sold apples?

The price would make me go bananas.

I once sold my toucan to a power plant.

I once sold my toucan (ya know, the type of tropical bird), whose name was Drea, to a power plant. I was told he'd simply be entertainment for the workers, sort of like a pet. Eventually, however, our local PETA caught wind of this and intervened. Drea was sent to a nearby bird shelter, where my ...

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I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist…

That’s the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning!

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As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.

Beethoven never sold his house

But he did put it up Fur Elise

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The owner of the sex shop sold some lingerie to my girlfriend that has zero sex appeal.

But the lingerie is decent.

What did the greengrocer say when he sold his last onion?

"Thats shallot!"

Samsung sold me the wrong phone.

I bought the S7, but apparently they gave me the C4.

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

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Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.

Moishe: Black is a color

Abram: No it is not.

Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.

Abram: No, it's not.

They go to the rabbi.

Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?

Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.

Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.

Abr...

Glass coffins are now being sold

How will they sell? Remains to be seen!

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My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy.

Its Officially A Best Cellar.

What did the police say to the man who impulsively sold his house?

"No sudden moves!"

Went to the store to buy a Kinder Surprise, but they'd sold out...

No bueno

PS5 sold out in every store in a matter of hours.

Looks like toilet paper has some serious competition.

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

A little old lady sold pretzels on the corner for fifty cents each

A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel.

This went on for nearly five years.

Even though ...

A man sold me a clock without the minute and hour hands

He said he clearly wrote that it was a second-hand clock.

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

Did you hear about the guy who had such a gambling problem, he sold every single body part to pay for it?

He should have quit while he was still a head.

Just sold the missus on eBay.

Well actually I sold a big box. The rest is a surprise.

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

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Toilet paper sold out around the world due to Corona Virus

Seems like people can't handle this shit

I just sold my car to a mute

He took it for a test drive and bought it, no questions asked.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.

It was a good run.

The guy who sold me these pigs said I should bathe them every day.

Hogwash.

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

I sold my emotions the other day...

Not really sure how I feel about it.

I was mis-sold a house.

The wife was so upset she didn't even let me keep the saddle.

I finally sold my old theremin

I never touched it

I sold my Porsche Macan and my BMW 330i today. I kept my bicycle.

I don't want to get the Car Owner virus.

If marijuana starts getting sold in a grocery store...

Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

At first, I didn't realize that I had been sold a dull razor.

But then it grew on me.

Shocked to discover my masseur sold the rights to footage of our sessions.

I’m told it will be a neck-fix exclusive.

I've been to all of the local stores to buy Draino but it's sold out

Must be the after effect from everyone buying all that toilet paper back in April..

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

I knew a girl who sold her body when times were tough.

She did it on a need-to-ho basis.

Kanye sold ugly shoes for $500 , no ones gonna top that!

Apple: hold my monitor

Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon

That they made him a prophet.

I met an Irishman who told me he sold outdoor tables and chairs for a living

His name was Paddy O’Furniture

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

Smash Bros Ultimate sold just over 5 million copies in USA.

Didn't knew so many people live in Alabama.

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My Mate Sold Me Some Viagra Eye Drops.

They make me look hard.

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I sold Viagra to a guy thinking it was Adderall...

Turns out he'll be working hard all night.

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

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A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

"I am a writer!" - "And already sold something?"

"Yes, my house and my car."

I asked the guy in the shoe shop if they sold any running shoes.

He said, "No, they're all stationary."

No wrestling event is ever sold out

they always have a couple extra seats under the ring

Mr Wilson sold nails and wanted to be the biggest nail dealer in the world so he decided to make a commercial

He hired an ad firm to make the commercial. He looks at The first ad and its Jesus being nailed to the cross, when the camera closes in, the nails say Wilson. He says "no,no,no" I'm trying to make business not lose it.
The ad exec say sorry about that, I know what you want I'll be back tomorrow...

I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for...

What did they call the guy who sold several fashionable hat companies for an incredibly large sum of money?

A multi-milliner.

Why are a bunch of horses being sold better than the Greeks?

At least they have a stable economy.

The blacksmith only sold items he crafted himself. Like his father taught him...

He who smelt it, dealt it.

My mate sold me a guitar for £5...

No strings attached

If the eclipse glasses I sold you don't work...

see me after, and I'll give you a refund.

I sold my foot that had the Tic-Tac toe today...

I heard collectors pay more for items in mint condition.

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