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Shocked Jokes

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.

I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

I was shocked today when my wife told me that my son wasn’t really mine

I have GOT to pay more attention when I pick him up from school

Coolio died today. He was shocked when he got to the Pearly Gates and realized

It was indeed an Amish paradise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.
It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

I was shocked...

I was shocked to read in the papers today that a short person had been pickpocketed. I just thought to myself “How could someone stoop so low?”

I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves

aren't Happy

My son was shocked that I grounded him over a dad joke

I told him he can’t be shocked while grounded

I would be SHOCKED if you haven’t heard about these new corduroy pillows.

I mean, they’re making headlines all over the world.

What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? .

That hertz.

I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today just shocked my whole life

First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

I was shocked...

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books

My wife looked shocked....

When I dropped that hairdryer into her bath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

People are shocked that a company fired a woman because of her bad figure.

But in their defense, it was *Figure 2.7: why my boss is an idiot.*

I was shocked to learn the girl working at IKEA reported me to her manager.

All I did was ask, "How much for the one night stand?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

I'm shocked...

Turns out toasters aren't waterproof.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

A cruel and spiteful restauranteur whose restaurants only served Pepsi products, died suddenly, and was shocked to find himself in heaven

As he approached the pearly gates, St Peter cheerily asked, “Would hell be OK instead?”

Comedian Sinbad shocked

...the entertainment world today as he announced his devotion to the church. This happened when he realized, sin bad.

I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..

It came completely out of the green

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

Shocked that pesky 'Jehovah Witness' lady by answering the door naked..

Not sure whether she was scared that I was naked or I knew where she lived..

I was shocked to learn my fathers entire portfolio was invested in Rita Hayworth, Bette Davis, Hedy Lamarr, Mae West and Lauren Bacall...

He tells me it's a broad index fund.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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I'm surprised anyone's shocked by Natalie Portman's character development in Love & Thunder.

If I was fucked by Chris Hemsworth I'd be pretty thor too.

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

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A man was shocked!

A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening. "I'm so horny that I can't stand it," she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and get laid. Are you free tonight?" "Yes" he replied enthusiastically. "Wonderful," she said. "Would you watch my kids?"

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

A guy shocked himself trying to steal an electric car.

He was charged with battery.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he d...

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

A shocking revelation…

Most people are shocked when they realize theyre not an electrician.

Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked...

Specially the wife .

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I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

I was shocked to learn what BBC stands for.

It was just a lot to take in.

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

I’m still shocked about the streaker at the movie theater

It was a private showing

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

What did Nikola Tesla say after being shocked by his Tesla Coil?

That hertz alot

My friend Doug shocked and hurt me.

He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

The Sixth Sense really shocked me.

Bruce Willis with hair?!?!

Wow I'm shocked for the first time my grandpa voted Democrat!

He never would have done that when he was alive!

My ten year old daughter told this one...

A girl and a boy are locked out of their house. They can't find any way in, so the girl leans forward and starts talking to the door lock... "Hey door lock you're looking nice today, why don't you go ahead and let us in."

The door magically unlocks itself. The boy is shocked, "how did you d...

I shocked myself on the power outlet today

It doesn't feel good. It hertz

Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!

I'm always shocked when people call me condescending.

Because that's a very big word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Everyone was shocked when the chef started talking foreign during a culinary show.

Nobody expects the Spanish-in-cuisine-show!

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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I caught my uncle paying prostitute for sex, i was shocked

Never knew people get paid for sex.

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explain...

A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

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When Hitler lost WW2 he was very shocked

He did Nazi that coming

A blind girl is shocked when her boyfriend broke up with her

Guess she didn’t see that coming..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a talking parrot, and he’s shocked to learn that the only thing the parrot does is curse.

All day, every day, it’s just a torrent of profanity.

He tries everything he can think of to make the parrot stop cursing.

He tries speaking in only kind, polite words and the parrot replies with, “Shit. Asshole. Fucker.”

He tries yelling at it. The parrot just says, “Motherfu...

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Tom is Shocked to See a Man in His Wife's Bed!

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroo...

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

What do you call a pretty shocked girl?

Electocute

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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My mum was shocked when she walked in on me watching vintage porn

Not at me.

But at how young she was back then

I must say I'm shocked by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide.

How did he get the noose around his chin?

Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.

Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.

Me: No, you're not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.

The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!

Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in th...

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A workman is 5 floors up at a construction site and realizes he forgot his hammer...

He leans over the edge of the building and sees his friend on the ground floor. He shouts down to him "Hey buddy I need my hammer." His friends looks up but motions to his ears that he can't hear him.

The workman, thinking quickly, decides to sign out what he wants. He points to his eye for "...

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 5k organizers were shocked to find out someone spiked all the water jugs with Viagra.

Although it did explain why so many came running today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

I was shocked when I came home and saw that the curtains were drawn.

Luckily the rest of the furniture was real.

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
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