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Secretly Jokes

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

Reddit is secretly run by cows, and I can prove it!

[remooved]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

The Secret Deal

An original of mine. Excuse the grammar.

There once was a clan of hunter-gatherers dedicated to being self sufficient. They would ONLY ever hunt and gather. Absolutely no trading or sales of any kind was allowed in this clan. Being self sufficient was religion to them, and they hated the idea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay

I'm worried I'm secretly a giant spider.

It's ironic that Alex Jones hates the LGBT community when he's secretly a drag queen.

His drag name is Miss Information.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

As I suspected, someone had been secretly adding soil in my backyard garden

*The plot thickens....*

What do you call a priest that is secretly an atheist?

An impastor.

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear ISIS secretly makes sex toys?

They specialise in blow up dolls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFF: Secretly taped me and my wife having sex...

It was kinda hot seeing her disappointed face from another angle.

Secretly found that I can manipulate stock market

Whatever I bought, it went red.

I’ve secretly converted to Norse paganism

shhhhhhh! I’m trying to keep it Loki.

"Doctor, my wife is secretly a movie theater!"

"I think you're just projecting."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.

It's time for me to come clean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

The babysitter didn't realize I was secretly taping her

until I put the last piece over her mouth.

I have been secretly messing with people's spice racks...

You might not know it, but your thyme is cumin.

I thought it was romantic to secretly swap my girlfriend's backpack for a bag of roses.

Her skydiving instructor didn't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m secretly addicted to masturbating with soap.

I’m trying to cum clean.

My wife found out that I've been secretly crosdressing

First I didn't understand her anger but then I realized I've been in her shoes before.

My wife just said I’m not allowed to come to the PTA meeting with her this week. I think it’s because she secretly knows Miss Taylor has a thing for me.

But my wife says it’s because she’s the teacher and we don’t have kids.

So you secretly bought an extra controller for your PS4?

Two can play at that game.

In high school my math teacher was secretly a pirate.

All she ever wanted to do was find X.

I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.

My wife asked me if i was secretly trans.

So i packed her stuff and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Attorney General William Barr is secretly gay?

A Barr walks into a guy...

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?

It’s an altar ego.

I know how to stop people from secretly getting into your computer.

[removed by FBI]

What do you call people who secretly give away their Bitcoins?

Crypto-communists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think Donald Trump is secretly a Communist!

When he said “Grab them by the pussy”, I realised he wanted to seize the means of production!

Big Burly Biker walks into a bar

He sees this tiny nerdy looking guy staring at his filled drink and decides he wants to mess with him. The Biker walks over takes the glass and slams the drink in one swig. At this the nerdy guy just starts bawling like a baby.


The Biker filled with remorse tells him to calm down an...

I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl

But all they respond with is “Who?”

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

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