UPJOKE
categorizeclasssortcategorizationrelegatereclassifyassortsort outcategorisepigeonholeassigncompareseparateclassificationgrade

Classified Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

Why were the classified documents crying?

They had very sensitive information.

What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common?

They're both snowed in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Uranus classified as a planet

and not as a Black Hole?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

alright, so fruits are classified as fruits instead of vegetables because they have seeds inside them, right?

men... you are fruit

The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary

He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

...

A farmer needs another workhorse for his farm, so he looks in the classifieds and finds a horse for sale.

He calls the number, and an old Italian man answers. He says, "yes the horse is for sale but he no look-a too good." The farmer says, "I don't care what he looks like, he's just gonna help me out around here. I'll be there at 5 to get him."

The farmer pulls up with the trailer, pays the old I...

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

Why was diarrhoea classified under hereditary diseases?

It runs in the Jeans.

If bigfoot had a teenage daughter would she be classified as a...

Sass-quatch?

A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.

"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want fo...

The Koala should be classified as a bear

It has all the Koalafications

Ad in the classifieds:

Trade cute Doberman Dog for orthopedic hand.

Trump is going to reveal the classified JFK assassination details

Turns out it was Hillary Clinton.

Soviet era joke from my friend

A man walked into the Kremlin and told the receptionist: "I am a spy, I want to surrender to the Soviet government". The receptionist asked "Alright, what's your nationality?" "I'm American" the man replied. The receptionist checked his booklet and said "American spy, surrendering... Go to room 107....

A Russian man shouting

A Russian man is walking around on the Red Square and shouting "Brezhnev is an idiot! Brezhnev is an idiot!"


He gets arrested. The sentence comes: 25 years. 1 for disturbing the peace and 24 for unauthorized release of classified information.

They classified a guy I work with morbidly obese which seems a little harsh...

I mean, he has enough on his plate already.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widow places an add in the classifieds...

Looking for a new partner. Since at her age she wasn't looking for a young fool, she figured she'd add a few specifications.

1. Must be over 50.

2. Must be wealthy enough to take care of me for the rest of my life.

3. Must be very talented in bed.

With that done, she ...

So I was browsing my local classifieds for an apartment when...

...I found one which said that the apartment had a *view to the future*. Obviously I called the guy, and apparently, you could see the cemetery trough the window.

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

Question for Radio Eriwan:

Question for Radio Eriwan: Is it correct that comrade Wassiljewitsch was arrested and sentenced to 35y of prison for calling comrade Stalin an idiot on the last party congress?

Answer:
Basically yes. He was immediately arrested and sentenced. And he was sentenced to 35y but not for insulti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Donald Trump say, when he went to the toilet?

I have to flush some classified bullshit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo momma's so fat

When she gives a blowjob it is classified as a class 5 hurricane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was desperate for finding a boyfriend...

So she decided to put a Newspaper Classified with her address saying this:

"I'm looking for a man who loves me, a man who doesn't hit me, one that won't run away from me and that pleassures me in bed."

The next day her doorbell rang and there was a man with no arms and no legs waiting ...

The Truth About My Jokes

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two ...

Have you heard the joke about the CIA?

Neither have I. They say it's classified.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical.

When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not look...

How many US Army personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?

[CLASSIFIED]

Wikileaks has been experiencing financial difficulties recently.

Would it help if they began running... classified ads?

Yo mamma's so fat that...

...when she got covid the CDC classified it a super spreader event.

I was trying to read the newspaper, but every third word was redacted.

Whatever, I like the comics better than the classifieds anyways.

Scaredy Cat-tle

Why did the horse get extremely mad when classified as a bovine by mistake?


He didnt wanna be known as a cow word

Why did Jeff Bezos divorce his wife?

Because he found out marriages are classified as "recognized unions."

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor said that I'm so into anal...

...that I'm legally classified as a crack adict

"Stalin is a fool!"

A man yelled in Red Square. He was arrested by the secret police and sentenced to 25 years. He was given five years for insulting the head of state, and 20 years for revealing classified information.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra

Viagra should be classified as a hard drug.

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'


The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.


Mick w...

Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.

Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?

'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

Today, in math class, we had to label triangles.

I would tell you the answers, but they're all classified now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy breaks into White House

He writes on the wall "trump is full of shit".

He gets caught and charged with two counts facing 45 years and 6 months of prison time.

6 months for vandalism and 45 years for unauthorized release of classified information.

My bank called today to notify that my account has been reclassified

Judging by the balance they had to classify it as Satire Account

Trump's first scandal.

Trump has had his first scandal. According to CNN, Donald Trump has gone to a private dinner with his family without alerting the press core. They've called this 'A dangerous breach of protocol and lack of transparency'.


I guess they're worried that he may have given some classified infor...

*Politics* Year 2019, two inmates are talking in a prison:

\- What are you here for?

\- I wrote a comic strip saying that our president was an idiot.

\- Did they charge you under an article for rioting or harassment then?

\- For disclosure of classified information.

I just finished reading a book about preventing skin injuries and burns...

The author classified the book as "non-friction"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FOUND Lady’s purse left in my car while parked.

A classified ad in the paper:

FOUND Lady’s purse left in my car while parked.

The owner can have same by paying for this ad.

If she will explain to my wife how the purse got in my car, I will

pay for the ad. Phone 555-xxx-7610.

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

the blonde and the brunette sister

Two sisters, one is blonde and one is brunette, are trying to start a farm. The brunette sister finds a prized bull in the classified and leaves to check it out. She tells the blonde that she will contact her to come haul the bull back to the farm if she decides to buy it.

The brunette goes t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Toothbrush Salesman

A guy loses his job and is really down on his luck. He searches everywhere, but can't seem to find any work.

After a few weeks he see's a classified in the newspaper looking for a salesman. He applies and is scheduled for an interview.

When he gets to the interview, he meets his pote...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy wh...

I have a question of the most importance!?

If I find a job in the classifieds...does that mean I can't tell anyone!?

Dead Ringer

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell a...

Diesel Fitter

Because of the down turn of the economy, Marv and Billy were laid off. They went to the unemployment office to file for unemployment.

When asked his occupation, Marv said, "Crotch sewer. I sew the crotches on to panty hose." The clerk looked up sewer and found it classified as unskilled labo...

The story of Quasimodo

This was my grandfather's favorite joke. Its a long one but clean and funny.



Quasimodo was looking through the classified one day when he spotted a job opening for bell ringer at St Thomas Cathedral.
He immediately ran to see the bishop and said, "bishop, bishop, I want to be th...

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The weight loss plan

One day a guy sees an ad in the classifieds for a guaranteed effective weight loss plan. He calls the guy and is asked for his schedule of when he's available and that they'll contact him when they're ready.

The next day there's a knock at the door and when the man is greeted by a beautiful n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is in need of a job,

And he looks through the classifieds to see what's available. He finds an ad from a farmer in need of some extra hands, so the man calls up the farmer and agrees to meet the next day to see what work he'd be doing.

The farmer greets him at the gate and begins to show the young man around. Fir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CIA superspy assasin retires...

... So the agency posts an ad on Craigslist to fill the position. After a while, the field is narrowed down to just three well qualified applicants. They're flown to Langley to interview.

The first candidate is Major Ron L Lubbold: Army Ranger, a 15 year veteran of 6 combat deployments and ov...

A man with no arms is in need of a job...

He lacks experience in the service industry but his missing arms severely limit his ability to perform manual labour. Everyday he goes out looking for work and everyday he comes back dejected.

One morning—while flipping through the classifieds with his toes—he comes across the following ad,...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.