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Muslims Jokes

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Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting,

but Hindus never have any beef.

In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.

We'd have to say CMXI instead.

Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars?

Elon's Mosque

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Where do Muslims go after they die?

Everywhere

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

The Muslim Ban

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; an...

I don't like telling jokes about Muslims.

A lot of them have a very short fuse.

Muslims in the U.S.A

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Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view...

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

What do we muslims call the early call to prayer that wakes us up in the morning?

The Allahm clock

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

Two muslims were in relationship.

Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."

Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."

Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

What is the most haram food for Muslims?

Pregnant pig. Because it contains pork. Double haram.

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

What state has the most muslims?

Allahbama

How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?

They add halalapeño.

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Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.

If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.

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