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A man goes to Confession to talk to his priest. “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The priest asks: “What’s wrong?”

The man replies: “My wife is poisoning me.”

The priest, very surprised by this, asks: “How can that be?”


The man then pleads: “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

“Tell you what,” the priest offers. “Giv...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

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A very attractive girl goes to confession (NSFW)

Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do Child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Ye...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

A man went into the church for a confession

Man: 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

Priest: 'What do you mean, almost?

Man: 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped!'

Priest: 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail...

Confession

A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins...

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy?"

"Yes Father, it is," the boy replied.

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can’t tell you F...

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me al...

A priest had 3 people at confession

He went to Guy 1 and asked: **“What sin did you commit?’**

Guy 1 responded: **“I murdered someone.”**

The priest responded **“Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”**

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked: **“What sin did you commit?’**
<...

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

A girl went to confession.

Girl: I think I am pregnant.

Priest: How did this happen my child?

Girl: I think it might have been the second coming.

Priest: What makes you think it's the second coming?

Girl: Because I swallowed the first one father.

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Four nuns are waiting in line for confession...

The first nun is called upon and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I saw a man's penis." The priest says, "For penance you will need to rinse your eyes with holy water then recite five Hail Mary's and one Our Father.

The second nun is called upon and says, "Forgive me father for I...

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession...

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Man goes to confession, complaining of hearing voices

"Father, everyday I hear a voice telling me how bad I am, and chastising me for all the things I've done wrong in my life. Am I possessed?"

"No", says the priest, "just married".

An electric confession!

A woman is on trial for beating her abusive husband to death with his guitar collection.


The judge asks her "First offender?"


She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

I farted in my church’s confession booth

I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.”

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Little Johnny and Baseball

Once a man having an affair unexpectedly finds the husband returning earlier than expected, He ends up hiding in the closet, where, unfortunately for him, little Johnny is also hiding.

Johnny: “Dark in here.”
“Yes it is.”
“I have a baseball.”
“That’s nice.”
“Want to b...

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The Priest and the Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest ...

A drunk man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in the confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either.”

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

Man: Forgive me farher for what I have sinned.


Father: What did you do my child?


Man: I went to my sister in law's home. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.


Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.


...

A man was in the confession booth confessing his sins to the priest…

And he said “father, I must confess, I almost cheated on my wife.”

The priest said “What do you mean, you *almost* cheated on your wife?”

The man explained, “father, I was in bed with another woman, we got naked together but I we only rubbed against each other, I didn’t actually put i...

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A young priest was taking his first confession...

An older priest was monitoring the confession and after it was over he said, "My son, can you say, 'tsk, tsk, tsk"?

The young priest was a little confused. "Yes, I can say, 'tsk, tsk, tsk'. Why do you ask, Father?"

The older priest replied, "Because, 'tsk, tsk, tsk' is infinitely bette...

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A Priest visits a hotel and approaches reception, the receptionist explains the services in his room, including that there is a TV. 'Ah' says the Priest, 'I've heard about hotel TV in confession, I hope the porn is disabled?'

'No you sick pervert, it's normal porn' says the receptionist

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.

PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.

ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.

PRIEST: You forgot pride.

ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

A man hasn’t been to church for a long while and decides he’d better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he’s amazed to find that it’s got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he’s looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, “Father, forgive me, it’s a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, “Get out,you idiot. You’re on my side.”

Daughter's confession

Daughter to her mom:

- Mom, I am dating our neighbor from the 3rd floor.

- You should really end that, he could be your father!

- But mom, for me, the age difference really does not matter...


- You don't really understand me, my dear...

Confession

A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."

A woman goes to confession...

The priest says to her "For the last time Becky it's forgive me father for I have sinned." "Not punish me daddy I've been a bad girl."

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."

Me: "I can't stop singing Barenaked Ladies."

Priest: "How long has it been since your last confession?"

Me: "It's been..."

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

A man barged into a confessional booth

He sits down and says “father I need to tell you, last night I was at the bar drinking when a gorgeous woman approached me and we started talking. After flirting together for awhile she asked if I would come back to her place”
“Go on” said the priest.
“Well, as we were leaving she ran into he...

I have a confession. Lately I've been greasing up all the wheelchair ramps around town.

I've tried so hard to stop, but once you start it's a really slippery slope...

An old man goes to confession one morning.

An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.

Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”

The priest says, “We...

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

The woman comes to the priest for confession

- Father, I have sinned. I cheated on my husband.


- I understand. For penance, go around the church as many times as you cheated on him.


- On foot?

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

A man way lying on his deathbed when he decided to make a confession to his wife

Man: I have to tell you the truth, I cheated on you with your best friend

Wife: I have to be honest with you too, I already know - that's why I poisoned you

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A 12 year old boy goes in the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard"

An old man goes to confession.

He tells the priest that on Friday night, he'd been in the bar when he started talking to three girls nearby. "Maybe twenty-two, two blondes and a redhead. One had legs, one had knockers like you wouldn't believe, and the last had all the right curves. I started lusting, Father."


"Yes," s...

A man went to confession (again)

"Forgive me, father", he said. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."


"Well, that is not a sin," said the priest


"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."


"That is not at all proper, but your lives were at risk, so you are forgiven...

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

The local priest is tired of people telling him they cheated in confession

One Sunday near the end of mass he tells his congregation that he doesn’t like hearing people are cheating. He tells the church from now on refer to cheating as “slipping” in confession.

This goes on all spring and summer and when winter comes around the priest decided to retire. He forgot to...

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A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

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A golfer goes to confession

Forgive me father for i have sinned...

.."go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing...

A young man goes into a confessional booth and confesses to the priest that he used the Lord's name in vain.

"Tell me what happened my child, so we may begin the path of forgiveness." Said the priest behind the curtain.

"I was golfing," began the man. "And my first shot went deep into the rough."

"Ah, and that is where you misused the Lord's name is it?" Replied the priest.

"No father,...

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A guy walks into a confession booth...

The joke is not in English but ill try to translate it the best i can.

A man goes to the church and tells the priest that he would like to confess something. They go into the booth and sit down, the guy tries to confess but he hesitates and leaves the booth. The priest tries to encourage the ...

Who does a squirrel go to for confession?

>!A chip-monk!<

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[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

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Wedding night confessions

Husband: “Honey I have to confess, I’ve slept with loads of prostitutes before I met you!”

Wife: “I just knew l’d seen you somewhere before!!”

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

His Confession

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty." ...

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to brake fluid.

I can stop any time I want tho

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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A young man goes to confession

He says "Father, I have sinned."

The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?"

The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend"

Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally"

"But Father, that's not the worst of it. They...

I went to church, and sat in the confession booth

I went to church, and sat in the confession booth, and I said “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”

The priest said “Tell me of your sins, child”

So I said, “Well father, last week, I molested a child and was fired from my job.”

Long story short, my employment situation just go...

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says “Tell me son why are you here”

“Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you he...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

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