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Onward Jokes

It is 1939 and the Soviet army is marching onwards to Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;


"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it. There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they ...

From today onwards, I have decided to stop denigrating anti maskers.

And if you are an anti masker, “denigrate” means to put down.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

A man dies and ends up at the gates

A being shows him an elevator and explained "on the first level, you will see a woman. You can choose to get off, or continue upward"

So he goes to the first floor and sees a woman, who isn't very attractive. She says "you can choose to get off, or carry on to success"

The man continue...

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

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So a Russian man shows up for a job interview.

He sits in a chair across from the interviewer on the top floor of a large corporate building. The interviewer, plainly unimpressed by the man sitting before him, decides to ask some loaded interview questions in order to quickly dispose of the Russian.

"Welcome," says the interviewer. "For y...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

A religious man is on his boat at sea

A religious man is on his boat at sea. Hes all alone when his boat starts to sink. Luckily a nearby boat sees that he is sinking and goes over to rescue him. The rescuer shouts from his boat "climb aboard, ill save you". The religious man shouts back "no thank you, god will save me." So the rescuer ...

COVID-19 - It’s in the game

If you think COVID-19 is bad, you’ll be terrified to hear that EA Sports have bought the rights to COVID-20.

Surviving, vaccine and toilet paper are chargeable DLC packs - with Pay-to-Live (PTL) packs available from Season 2 onwards.

A man is drowning in the Hudson River.

A tour ship sails by and throws him a life preserver. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God will save me! I believe in my Lord”. And thus, the boat sails onwards.

Another boat shortly thereafter spots the drowning man, and sends a rescue squad. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God w...

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Women are alot like continents.

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, b...

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

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Escargot

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".

The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of ...

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

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A man has a 25 inch penis

A man has a 25 inch penis. This is much too long, and he is never able to get any satisfaction from his relationships, and had grown tired of accidentally hurting his partners. So, one day he decides to do something about it. He goes to the doctor, and asks if the doctor can shrink his penis. The do...

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King of the jungle

A lion strolls proudly through the jungle. He happens upon a monkey and roars: "Who is the king of the jungle?!" The monkey nearly pisses himself and grovels before the lion: "You, you, lion, are the king of the jungle!" So the lion lets the monkey run off, nodding in approval. He continues his morn...

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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

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Always drive in reverse when you're drunk (True story)?

This is a true story. Many many years ago, before drink driving laws were as strong as they are today, a friend of my Dads, lets call him Dave, was leaving the pub, keys in hand and a hefty number of pints on board.

"Jesus, am I all right to drive" he wonders as he misses the ignition with th...

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An Arab Sheikh Is Crossing The Desert To Negotiate A Peace Treaty With A Neighbouring Tribe.

It's approximately a days walk & all he has with him are his four wives & a 2 gallon flask of water to prevent dehydration for the journey. So, he walks a few hundred yards....has a sip of water....another few hundred....another sip & so on until the inevitable happens, he MUST take a le...

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