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Sidle Jokes

A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool.

Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”

Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”

My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, "Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times." I laughed and told him I didn’t believe him because...

Nobody’s got arms that long.

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks

"Do I come here often?"
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(New to me joke and I searched before I posted.)

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

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So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.

The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whack...

Three legged dog

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' for the man who executed my father."

Read in "Playboy", told by CC, herself, on "the Tonight Show"

Cindy Crawford and a crewman survive her yacht sinking and make their way to a deserted island. There's fresh water and plenty of fruit to eat, so they settle in to wait for rescue. A few weeks go by and Cindy's feeling a "need". She asks the crewman for help and he's happy to oblige.

This...

A cowboy walks into a deserted bar...

He sidles up and says, "whiskey, barkeep."


The bartender gives him a whiskey, and the cowboy sips in silence. He looks up and says, "Man. It is *dead* in here. Where the hell is everyone?"


And the barkeep says, "Oh, everyone is out at the hangin'!"


"Well I'll be. Who...

A re-written joke from this sub

A guy in this late twenties is sitting at a bar alone, when he sees a woman sitting across the bar. She's attractive for her age, but she's probably around 60 the guy guesses.
He finds his mind wondering, thinking if she was 20 years younger she'd be an absolute dime. And as he is in this imagin...

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Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

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An elephant wandering the jungle gets a thorn in its foot ...

Unable to extract the thorn itself, the elephant leans against a coconut tree, waiting for some other animal to come along and help him.

Hours pass and no animal appears. Just then, an ant comes crawling along.

"Oh, Brother Ant!" the elephant says. "Could you please help me take this t...

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Once upon a time there was a farmers wife with a problem

And that problem was her dog Jingles.

Every night Jingles would snore so loudly that she was unable to get a wink of sleep. In exasperation, she went to the vet who advised her "What you need to do here is go to your sewing kit and get a piece of ribbon. Tie that around his balls and he'll st...

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The tale of the talented frog

A man sidles up to a woman in a bar and gets chatting to her. Once he’s piqued her interest he says, “Do you want to buy a frog? It’s just $1000.”

“Are you crazy?!” remarks the lady, “Why is it so expensive?”

“Well madam,” says the man, “this frog is specially trained in the art of cun...

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Anything you want.

Bob is to the point where he's feeling good, but still a beer or so away from drunk. As he's contemplating his navel, a young woman sidles up next to him and starts blowing into his ear. At first he's taken aback, and tries to brush her away. But then he takes a good look at her and realizes she is ...

Three men walk into a party.

The first man beelines toward a table with a bowl of punch. The second man closely follows. A few people are ahead of them so while they wait the first man turns to the second man and asks:

"Have you ever heard the one about the garden gnome?"

The second man replies "No, not that I can...

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While walking down the street, a man sees a hole cut in a wooden privacy fence...

There's a sign hanging above it that reads "COCK GOES HERE." He looks around casually, sidles up to the fence, unzips, and slips his dick in the hole. Almost immediately, something seizes it tightly. He gasps and stands on his tip-toes to be able to look over the fence, where he sees two small boys,...

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the three Paddys

Three blokes, all named Paddy, are down by the seashore one day when they spot a mermaid off in the distance.

The English Paddy says to his mates "watch this". He saunters over to the mermaid and asks "Excuse me, have you ever been kissed before?" She replies "Why no", whereupon he proceeds t...

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A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.

The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his t...

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