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Released Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8

In charge of planning Yoda was

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

Jussie Smollett was released after 6 days into his 150 day sentence

He must be pretty upset that his attacker got out so early.

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part documentary! Parts A through D are freely available to download, but

You have to fight for your right to Part E!

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

Why were the star wars movies released 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8?

In charge of planning Yoda was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released

So, that means two American Idiots came out that day

I’m not a fan of the new coins released with King Charles’ head on them.

But then again, I’ve never liked change.

The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq

They call it the Sims

Note: this technically a repost

A book on the history of clocks has finally been released

It's about time

I've just released my own fragrance

No one else in the car liked it though.

Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

They call it Elon's Musk.

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Former Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd was released from federal prison today.

That makes two Cocaine Bears getting released this weekend.

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Barbie and Oppenheimer?

Barbie product first manufactured in Japan and released in America.
Oppenheimer product first manufactured in America and release in Japan.

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

Did you see the Catholic church released a breakfast cereal?

Cinnamon Pope Crunch: The See You Can Taste

Why was Sonic 2 released right before Ramadan?

He gotta go fast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

ISIS recently released their own brand of anti-dandruff shampoo

It's called Shoulders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.


(Too soon?)

Disney finally released Yoda's last name. His full name is:

Yoda Lay-Heehoo

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

Macaulay Culkin just released his first rap album.

He's Ho Malone.

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man released from prison.

A man, who was imprisoned for 30 years, gets released from prison. 30 years, and all he could think about, was having sex, as he loved sex before going to prison. He makes up his mind, and tells himself "The first thing I see, whatever it may be, I will have sex with". As soon as he leaves prison, h...

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

I just released a new fragrance

Nobody in the car seemed to like it

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

Ten years ago today, Gotye released his big hit.

I don't hear anything about him at all nowadays. Now he's just Somebody That I Used to Know.

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

The Postal Service just released a new postage stamp commemorating Prostitution ...

They only cost 25 cents. But if you want to lick them, they're a dollar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

I've just released a new book about Poltergeists...

It's flying off the shelves.

Did you hear Adidas just released their new line of plus-sized yoga pants?

They’re called Adipose.

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

Blizzard just released a new dating sim

Core gameplay is getting in bed with the Chinese :>

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have released a description of the person they're after;

White male, dark hair, moustache, is 6' 1,

And all I could think was;

Fuck me that's a big moustache.

R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19.

I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all.

A new type of broom has just been released,

It is sweeping the nation.

Kim Jong Un released a statement today

I don’t know what it said it must’ve been Morse code, all it said was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeeep*

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

The methane released as a product of the dairy industry is kinda sus

That's what I'd call a moo gas

A Woman walks in the forest and meets a genie.

A woman one day takes a hike around the forest by her house, to take some time off from people.

She stumbles upon a teapot, grabs it, and (obviously) rubs it. A Genie appears:

"Hello lady, you've released me from my trap. Now I shall grant you 3 wishes, but theres a catch. Whatever I g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was released from prison after a 40-year sentence.

After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottl...

There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,

and it should be called "Off the Hook".

The CDC just released their latest safety guideline update

On top of all of their other health recommendations to help prevent the spread they are now recommending that you hold your breath in order to prevent the spread.

Mattel released a Muslim Barbie...

It's a blow-up doll.

The Democratic Caucus has released a new gum flavor

Orange n’ Peach Mint

A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs.

Police are desperately searching for leads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the public masturbator released?

he got off in court

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matthew McConaughey and Andre 3000 released an album together.

The reviews were
AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright
AlrightAlrightAlright

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If that Presidential piss tape ever gets released -

It will be the most streaming leaked video of all time!

Released today

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wal...

What's the similarity between Chris Brown being released and Pokemon Go being released?

An increase in battery cases.

So Bill Cosby was released from prison, and now I hear he's getting his own television show?

Women Say the Darndest Things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear they finally released Viagra in generic form?

The next time your are at the pharmacy ask for coxbphlopin.

The Pentagon just released a program releasing all the favorite music of the Vice Presidents ever.

They call it the Al Gore Rhythm

There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001

It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

Fortnite just released a special Jewish edition of the game

It'll have no Thor skin

[OC] What do you call a medieval jouster recently released from prison?

>!A Free lancer!<

Apple in the Middle East is releasing a shelf.

They're calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out... O-Man!

R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.

China just released the name of the first man with Corona Virus

Ah Chu

the world’s best cloud storage service was released today, called Titanic.

It’s always synching

Some American psycho killed a woman with an axe, but his church pals paid $100.000 and he got released

Indeed, it was a Christian bail

FALLOUT 5 RELEASED TODAY

No need for the VR, updates will come these next weeks provided by trump

Alabama Starbucks have released a new drink this month

Pump Kin Latte

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nicklebacks’ album “Silver Side Up” was released on Sept. 11, 2001.

What are the chances that one of worst days in American history would also be the day a terrorist attack took down the twin towers?

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The softcore porn flick where everyone is dressed as clocks and wristwatches FINALLY got released! I've been waiting FOREVER.

It's about fucking time.

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