UPJOKE
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Not All Seniors are Senile

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and ...

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

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I put glitter and sparkles on a turd once

It was pretty shit

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

Hygiene

Women issues

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already aroun...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

Duck love

'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '....

You know how Gotham citizens are going to be able to tell Bruce Wayne is Batman in the upcoming movie?

Because during the day he’ll sparkle.

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An old man wins the lottery.

He goes to his synagogue, walks up to his rabbi and says "I want to donate 10 million dollars to the synagogue on one condition." the rabbi's eyes start to sparkle and he replies "Of course sir, whatever you wish we will do." The old man states "I want you to erect a statue of Adolf Hitler in your c...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

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What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?

Sparkles

OCD Bartender

A husband and wife walk into the cleanest bar you've ever seen. It is their monthly date night and they are dressed to impress! The first thing they notice walking through the doors is a sparkle emitting from the glasses across the establishment. They look around and notice pictures on the wall line...

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Voodoo Dildo

A man named Steve and his new bride lived a happy life together during their first few months of marriage. Steve and his wife had sex every single night and had never been apart from one another since they tied the knot. One evening though Steve came home from work and said "Darling, I have some b...

I've got a pet peeve

His name is Sparkles and he likes belly rubs.

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A woman is walking around a grocery store...

...completing her shopping list. When she finally collects what she came for, she makes her way to the cashier and unloads her basket onto the conveyer.

The clerk begins to ring up her items;
He grabs her container of mixed salad greens and passes it over the barcode scanner. 'BOOP' sou...

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So I was at the grocery store

getting a few things for the weekend, and I noticed an old lady staring at me... once I caught her she swiftly looked away. I approached the dairy aisle and could feel this old lady staring at me again, so I went into the next aisle, she followed right behind me and kept looking at me. Feeling very ...

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Still single

I was in a restaurant the other day and saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. After starters and my first beer I convinced myself that I had to talk to her.
So there I was talking to her. We actually had the rest of diner together and after dessert I already knew that I had to marry this ...

Madonna is flying from New York to London . . .

. . . and happens to be seated next to Oprah on the plane. They exchange pleasantries and settle in. Half way over the Atlantic ocean, the pilot comes on the PA and says, "We just lost 3 engines. Prepare to go down in the ocean.

Madonna grabs her carry-on and begins putting on diamond earring...

This popped into my head when I was half asleep. Figured I'd share.

What does a Sparkle magazine model call her g-spot?
Her glitterus

Magic Number 5

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number "5". It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny d...

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A fellow and his camel...

...were lost in the desert. After a couple days of wandering without food or water, the man realized he was probably going to die. He thought of all the things he would never do again... sex being one of them.

He looked at his camel and figured it was better than nothing.

Unzipping h...

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