UPJOKE
shakewobblerattlingagitaterattlesnakenoisetrembleshakingjoltbangingscreamripthumproarblare

Rattles Jokes

What do you call it when a rattlesnake can't make the rattle noises anymore?

reptile-dysfunction

I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice...

...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

I can't believe rattlesnake warnings are called rattles

and not cautionary tails

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy stumbles upon a magical snake in the desert…

Surprised he pulls his gun to kill it but the snake says ‘don’t, I’ll grant you three wishes!’.

Ok snake, says the cowboy, if you don’t, I’ll kill ya. First i want a mansion; the snake replies, granted!
A mansion appears there and there, in the middle of the desert.

The cowboy; as...

A man goes to the doctor as he has a problem speaking.

He says, “Doctor, I’m having a problem where I can’t speak this specific letter. It’s getting really irritating!”

The doctor, using his quick thinking, says, “Alright, repeat all the letters in the alphabet for me.”

The man rattles of the first twenty, but then clams up, face full of f...

A new wardrobe from IKEA

A woman buys a new wardrobe and puts it together. She is pretty proud of it, but since they're living right next to a highway, as soon as the bus rattles by, the vibrations cause the wardrobe to collapse. She builds it again, but the next bus makes it come back down again.

She goes and gets t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two good friends, a doctor and a priest, are out golfing one fine day.

They step up to tee off at the first hole. The priest drives a beautiful shot down the fairway. The doctor steps up next and fires off a worm-burner straight into the rough.

The doctor grumbles loudly, "Fuck, I missed."

The priest reproves him, "Please, Ted, don't swear in fron...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oil well fire fighters

3 tycoons own an oil well that catches on fire. They try everything they can think of to put it out, to no avail. So they call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter. He tells them he can put out the fire, but it will be 3 weeks before he can get there and will cost half a million dollars. ...

What car brands mean

Ford-Flipped Over Rebuilt Dodge

Pontiac-Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car

Fiat- Fix It Again Tony

Chevrolet-Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Nissan-Needless Innovations, Silly, Stupid, Automotive Nonsense

GM-Gluteus Maximus

GMC-Go...

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

5.5 Quake Shakes L.A.

Every 20 years or so, a large earthquake rattles Los Angeles as a result of the tremendous buildup of pressure in every Angeleno to talk about something other than show business.
~ Scott Miller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to confessions

He says "Oh father I've committed a grave sin and seek repentance"

The priest replies "my son, tell me what you have done and i will ask God to forgive you"

The man says "Father, the sin I've committed is so bad that I can only tell God myself"

The man insists that he must speak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

old old lady walks into an adult store. .(NSFW)

she's really old, like 90+ old, she even shakes so she has to use a walker, as shaky as she was she approached the counter;

the attendant thou surprised that a lady that old would go to a adult store did his job.

attendant: hello, is there anything I can do for you?
old lady: yes, d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't look

A zookeeper notices that all of his female monkeys keep getting pregnant.

After isolating the only male monkey, Bobo, into his own cage, the zookeeper believes the matter to be settled. A few weeks later he sees a few more female monkeys getting pregnant. Perplexed, the zookeeper waits outsi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all

He quits his job, packs up his belongings, and flees to a remote region of Siberia.

After days of hiking through the cold, he stumbles upon a small tribe entirely comprised of men.

“A visitor has found our humble community!” the tribe’s leader announces. “Come, join us brother!” The wh...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.

The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.