Raise Your Hand Jokes

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i... read more

Now put it over your mouth.

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then.

A student raises her hand.



The Professor says "Ah, yes. You know what it is?"



The student says "No, why would you think so?"

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

"Not so fast, Billy."

...now slap yourself with it.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land... read more

A pastor was giving the children's message during church.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on indust... read more

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them low... read more

During class, the teacher asks, "Who is our Father?" The little boy behind Mary sees her asleep so he pokes her with a pencil to wake her up.
Mary screamed "Lord Almighty"
The teacher says "Very good Mary, please raise your hand though"
Confused, Mary falls asleep again. Later, the teache... read more

Officer: I have an easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.

Out of the 25 recruits, 24 raised their hands.

Officer: why didn't you raise your hand?

The One: Too much trouble raising the hand, Sir.

One day 100 people in Heaven were sent to the presence of God. He asked them this question

"Who among you are dominated by your wives? Raise your hands and stand at the left" He asked.

So 99 of the men raised their hands and put them down. Then, they proceeded to stand at the left of H... read more

...and Stalin is giving a speech. Suddenly, someone in the crowd sneezes. Stalin stops his speech, furiously slams down his fist and shouts "Who dared to sneeze while I was talking!? Raise your hand immediately!". The room is silent and nobody raises their hand.

Stalin says: "If nobody raise... read more

A flight going from Cairo to Johannesburg was about half-way through their trip. Out of the blue, the captain made a startling announcement,

"Folks, it seems as though we are having some engine troubles. Now please remain calm, and we'll have an update in 15 minutes."

Obviously everyon... read more

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I ... read more