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Raise your hand if you've been caught masturbating on a Zoom call.

Maybe you should have raised the other hand.

A professor in a Logic class says "Alright class, if you know what 'affirming the consequent' means, then raise your hand."

A student raises her hand.



The Professor says "Ah, yes. You know what it is?"



The student says "No, why would you think so?"

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

Who here thinks we are going to start heading back towards normal in 2 weeks, raise your hand...

...now slap yourself with it.

Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them...

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then.

"Alright kids, I just got off the phone. Now, raise your hands if your parents are still alive!"

"Not so fast, Billy."

If you believe every citizen should own a gun raise your hand,

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

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As a man: never raise your hand to a child.

It leaves your balls unprotected.

A lawyer boarded an airplane...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying fr...

Don't blame me...

One day 100 people in Heaven were sent to the presence of God. He asked them this question

"Who among you are dominated by your wives? Raise your hands and stand at the left" He asked.

So 99 of the men raised their hands and put them down. Then, they proceeded to stand at the left of H...

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A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

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The Discovery of happiness

(English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammat mistakes xP)

A scientist, after many years of study managed to mathematically prove that having regular sex is the key to happiness. So, he decides to set up a conference, in which many people curious of his...

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

At a conference for the arcane and supernatural...

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them low...

Little Mary always falls asleep in Sunday school class

During class, the teacher asks, "Who is our Father?" The little boy behind Mary sees her asleep so he pokes her with a pencil to wake her up.
Mary screamed "Lord Almighty"
The teacher says "Very good Mary, please raise your hand though"
Confused, Mary falls asleep again. Later, the teache...

Officer: I have an easy job for the laziest man here.

Officer: I have an easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.

Out of the 25 recruits, 24 raised their hands.

Officer: why didn't you raise your hand?

The One: Too much trouble raising the hand, Sir.

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A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas

The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:

"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"

Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:

"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. W...

The communist party of Russia is having a large gathering with all members...

...and Stalin is giving a speech. Suddenly, someone in the crowd sneezes. Stalin stops his speech, furiously slams down his fist and shouts "Who dared to sneeze while I was talking!? Raise your hand immediately!". The room is silent and nobody raises their hand.

Stalin says: "If nobody raise...

Liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I ...

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Heaven meeting year 2015

Every year in heaven jesus and the apostles gather up for a meeting to discuss about earth's problems.
The theme of the year is.. Drugs, they discuss about it for a while with no succes
and then it comes clear: they don't know the subject enought to fix it...

So Jesus tell his apostle t...

On a plane ride to South Africa.

A flight going from Cairo to Johannesburg was about half-way through their trip. Out of the blue, the captain made a startling announcement,

"Folks, it seems as though we are having some engine troubles. Now please remain calm, and we'll have an update in 15 minutes."

Obviously everyon...

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