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Qualifications Jokes

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet...

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

"So, what are your qualifications?"

"I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills"

What qualifications so you have for working with kids?

Well, I have a lot of hands-on experience.

I've got all the qualifications required to be a taxi driver.

I don't speak English and I can't drive.

I left school with two qualifications 'Maths' and 'Woodwork' and i walked straight in a job..

Making rulers...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

Ole applied for the same job as Murphy and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give Ole, the Norwegian the job."

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ir...

A rich businessman wanted a new secretary.

A gorgeous blonde girl is one of the applicants, she has all the right qualifications.

When he asked her what salary she wants, she replied: "Fifty thousand a year."

He said: "Fifty thousand, with pleasure!"

She replied: "No, with pleasure it will be five hunderd thousand."

Logjammin'

A lumberjack is applying for a job at a logging operation, and the foreman asks his qualifications.

"I'm the fastest lumberjack you ever saw. Set me loose in those woods with my axe and I'll lay down a thousand trees a day."

The foreman is incredulous. "That's impossible," he says. "An...

An Oil Prospector Died and went to Heaven

And St. Peter said, "Well, I checked you out, and you meet all of the qualifications. But there’s one problem."

"We have some tough zoning laws up here, and we keep all of the oil prospectors over in that pen. And as you can see, it is absolutely chock-full. There is no room for you.’"
...

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why ...

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Three guys apply for CIA

Jon, Sergei and Steve apply for CIA.
They pass all qualifications and come to the last one.
They have to kill their wives.
So they put their wives in three diffident rooms and give them guns.
Jon goes in first. He breaks the door, points the gun, but he cant kill his own wife.
Steve ...

Trump being President is a good thing.

It teaches children that no matter who they are... No matter what they study... No matter what qualifications they have...

ANYone can be President.

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted?

His qualifications were completely irrelephant.

Looking for a relationship is like finding a new job...

People are way more interested when you already have one already and want 5+ years experience with a laundry list of impossible qualifications for an entry level position.

Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the...

Million dollar question

A wise old monk came upon a young man sitting alone sighing to himself.
Wise monk: "What troubles you, young man?"

Young man: "I'm depressed. I have good qualifications. Work hard at my job. But yet, I still have found no success and am broke as a pauper."

The wise monk: "But yo...

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A true story about my grandad

I remember we used to think my grandad was autistic or some kind of idiot savant. He left school at 14 with no qualifications, worked for 50 years as a coal miner, never read a book in his life but whenever you asked him anything, no matter how crazy or obscure he always had the answer. Then we got ...

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

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Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe a...

The Night the Eiffel Tower’s Lights Went Out

One fateful night, the lights on the Eiffel Tower went out. It was, of course, a national tragedy for all of France and quite a problem, not the least of which being the fact that airplanes could very easily fly right into the thing.

The French government called every last engineer or electr...

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A dick goes to a job interview

A dick is at an interview with a toilet
The toilet says "So tell me your qualifications"
"Well I'm motivated, I can learn new tasks, and I have a lot of experience"
Without a beat the toilet looks at the dick "Urine"

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King Arthur's shortest Knight.

Once there was a man who wanted be a Knight of the Round table. He had all the qualifications, but he was under 3 feet tall. He journeyed to Camelot to gain audience with King Arthur.

When he appeared before the court, all the other knights made fun and heckled him mercilessly. He though...

Vacancy announcements these days

Required qualifications:

- Work experience of 50 years or more;
- Incumbent must defeat a dragon;
- Willingness to work on weekends and holidays;
- Helicopter piloting licence;
- Ability to programme in any language imaginable;
- Knowledge of Swahili at least at uppеr intеrmеdi...

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So a finance professional is traveling to Goldman Sachs to be interviewed for an internship, and he has lost his way...

He asks a man in passing, "Hey, do you know the way to Goldman Sachs from here?" The man nods and says, "Yes, just take the next left, travel one block, and it will be on your right." The first man thanks him and is on his way.

Sure enough, he comes to a magnificent building coated in gold p...

Texas Sheriff's Exam

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Depart...

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