UPJOKE
paranormalpsychicprecognitivesecond-sightedpropheticpropheticalextrasensoryremote viewingseerunworldlydeludedpseudoscienceperspicaciousparapsychologyprecognition

I went to clairvoyant today and she told me in 12 years time I will be very sad and heartbroken.

So to cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
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My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers..

He was a con-tent creator.
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What do you call a satisfied clairvoyant?

A happy medium.
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I walked into a clairvoyant's today. She said, "The brothel's next door."

She's good.
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Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.
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A clairvoyant dwarf escaped from prison...

please be on the lookout for a small medium at large.
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What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller
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I once dated a clairvoyant.

But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather.
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Why could the petit clairvoyant never find a dress that fits?

Everyone thought she was a medium
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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

Why have a clairvoyant stopped going to the eye-doctor?

He had a 2020 vision.
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Met my ex, who is a clairvoyant, today.

Asked her if she was seeing anyone. I am afraid, she said yes.
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Why are clairvoyants called mediums?

Because they're not rare or well done.
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Hitler went to see a clairvoyant

In the mid-stages of the Second World War, Adolph Hitler felt that his plans were getting bogged down, so he went to see a clairvoyant.

"When will I rule the entire world?", he asked.

The clairvoyant consulted her crystal ball, looked at the tarot, double-checked his birthday and astro...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Psychic and Clairvoyants fair cancelled today...

Due to unforseen circumstances

The good news is I’m clairvoyant.

The bad news is that I won’t know until tomorrow.
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Psychics, clairvoyants and fortune tellers are easy to buy clothes for...

Because they're all mediums
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The clairvoyant and her boyfriend got engaged after only two dates.

It was love at second sight, they said.
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Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]

When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a...
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Did you hear about the albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from San Francisco?

He was a super pallid Cali mystic, expert at hypnosis.

(Today I had wanted to tell someone the Gandhi joke I read on here the other day, but I couldn't remember it so I made this up and thought I may as well share it even though it's purely derivative.)
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An angry clairvoyant got drunk in a bar and started a fight.

Police have arrested a mean medium, mowed.
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I visited a dyslexic Christian clairvoyant today...

She read my Psalm
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"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..."

"...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events."
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I punched a clairvoyant who was laughing at me once.

I like to strike a happy medium
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The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."

Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."
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After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.

The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'
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What do you call a girl ant who claims she can see the future ....

.... clairvoyant
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