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Clairvoyant Jokes

I went to clairvoyant today and she told me in 12 years time I will be very sad and heartbroken.

So to cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers..

He was a con-tent creator.

What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

What do you call a satisfied clairvoyant?

A happy medium.

I walked into a clairvoyant's today. She said, "The brothel's next door."

She's good.

A clairvoyant dwarf escaped from prison...

please be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

I once dated a clairvoyant.

But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather.

Why could the petit clairvoyant never find a dress that fits?

Everyone thought she was a medium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

Why have a clairvoyant stopped going to the eye-doctor?

He had a 2020 vision.

Met my ex, who is a clairvoyant, today.

Asked her if she was seeing anyone. I am afraid, she said yes.

Why are clairvoyants called mediums?

Because they're not rare or well done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler went to see a clairvoyant

In the mid-stages of the Second World War, Adolph Hitler felt that his plans were getting bogged down, so he went to see a clairvoyant.

"When will I rule the entire world?", he asked.

The clairvoyant consulted her crystal ball, looked at the tarot, double-checked his birthday and astro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Psychic and Clairvoyants fair cancelled today...

Due to unforseen circumstances

The good news is I’m clairvoyant.

The bad news is that I won’t know until tomorrow.

Psychics, clairvoyants and fortune tellers are easy to buy clothes for...

Because they're all mediums

The clairvoyant and her boyfriend got engaged after only two dates.

It was love at second sight, they said.

Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]

When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a...

Did you hear about the albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from San Francisco?

He was a super pallid Cali mystic, expert at hypnosis.

(Today I had wanted to tell someone the Gandhi joke I read on here the other day, but I couldn't remember it so I made this up and thought I may as well share it even though it's purely derivative.)

An angry clairvoyant got drunk in a bar and started a fight.

Police have arrested a mean medium, mowed.

I visited a dyslexic Christian clairvoyant today...

She read my Psalm

"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..."

"...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events."

I punched a clairvoyant who was laughing at me once.

I like to strike a happy medium

The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."

Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."

After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.

The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'

What do you call a girl ant who claims she can see the future ....

.... clairvoyant

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