Possessed Jokes

Who?

He exorcised.

All I can think is: “Who? Who?!”

It was a dark, rainy night, far out in the country side, among hills when a family was traveling in their car. They were surprised to see a man selling books in the rain. He hailed the car and asked if they wanted to buy any books.

One of the boys in the family was interested in haunted myste... read more

I'm glad it said no

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

My girlfriend has been saying she’s been having weird experiences and weird thoughts so she went to confess to a priest. The priest told me she was possessed and that she needs and exorcism. Sometimes the priest comes over to perform the exorcisms and it gets really ugly. I hear her on the bed shaki... read more

There will be hell toupee

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

Its channeling dead people.

Allure.

They exorcise

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...

(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plen... read more

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

They never exorcise.

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

Surprised, the boy's family gave the priest a strange look. He turned to the family, a bit confused himself, and said "I'm here to exercise the demons, right?"

"Father, everyday I hear a voice telling me how bad I am, and chastising me for all the things I've done wrong in my life. Am I possessed?"

"No", says the priest, "just married".

His house got re-possessed

so you don't get re-possessed.

She was possessed by the entrepreneurial spirit.

Well, there was a party once, not far from here, which was composed of ladies and gentlemen. A fine table was set and the people were greatly enjoying themselves. Among the crowd was one of those men who had audacity — was quick-witted, cheeky, and self-possessed — never off his guard on any occasio... read more

I bought a book entitled "an exorcist explains the demonic".

I don't know what possessed me !

Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.

It sounds like a ghost and it’s giving me the heebie jeebies. I take it back to the cashier and tell them it sounds like the large Coke I ordered is possessed. The cashier looks me, apologetic, and says, “Large? I’m so sorry, I thought you asked for a medium.”

Now I've been re-possessed.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the ... read more

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princ... read more