UPJOKE
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What do you call an optimistic programmer?

A glass half full stack developer.

What do you call an optimistic person with radiation poisoning?

Toxic Positivity.

The optimistic pessimist.

The reason I'm a pessimist is I'm either right or delightfully proven wrong.

What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person.

Read it again

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

They were pretty optimistic when they named it gonorrhea.

No need to applaud.

Why is Tom Brady always so optimistic?

He sees the football as half full.

When You Have An Optimistic View On What You're Smelling, You're Smelling...

Rose tinted gases.

I've Discovered The Secret To Being Optimistic

It's in your blood. Just gatta B+

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who are the most optimistic people in the world?

The Jews, they don't know how much it's gonna grow but they still cut it.

I’m feeling optimistic

Tomorrow’s going to be a Good Friday.

optimistic old guys.

Two old guys on a park bench are talking.

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60 I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be ...

What does a prudent Ukrainean learn?

It depends.

An optimistic Ukrainian learns English.

A pessimistic one learns Russian.

A realistic one learns how to shoot a rifle.

 

It's an old Romanian joke, from the '90s, it suddenly became relevant for our neighbours.

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

“The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end”. She says.

“But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not?” Said Charles.

“That’s right”, she replied.

“And the Symptoms are minor are they not?” He continued

“It’s true, but my body i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are talking about being optimistic.

One guy says, "Hey, sometimes there are situations where you just can't be optimistic, right?" The other guy responds, "Nah, you always have to look at the bright side. Just last week, I was with a prostitute, and she died right there in the middle of it." The first guy sputters, "What? Where's the ...

The ABCs of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous a...

Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?

He kept on turning negatives into positives.

What species is the most optimistic?

Fish, they take every oppor-tuna-ty

Some people are just over-optimistic.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

We have to stay optimistic now

Because positive is not a good sign....

What is an Optimistic Vampires favorite drink?

B Positive!

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

Two guys are in a bar, discussing life and death.

“Arrr, my grandpa died this week,” says the first guy. “He was in the hospital, and we was trying to get a blood transfusion fer him. The problem was, we weren’t too sure what blood type he was. But you know what? That man kept saying ‘Be positive, be positive’ all throughout the visit. Most optimis...

I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

You ever been to an optimistic optometrist?

They’ll tell you that your glasses are half full.

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

Thanos seems like an optimistic guy.

You know, universe half full kind-of-guy.

I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

Nico is extremely optimistic and always sees the bright side of everything.

It drives his friends Connor and Tyler crazy, so one day they decide to tell him a story that he cannot find the positive in.

Nico meets Tyler at his house and Nico asks where Connor is. Tyler tells him "You didn't hear? He found his girlfriend with another guy last night and killed them both...

Optimist Joe

An optimist by every account, Joe was sitting in the bar when his friends come to him and say, "Joe, how can you call yourself an optimist when bad things are always happening ?" To which Joe replied, "there's always a good side to every situation, you just have to know it."

So, they tell Joe...

What did the optimistic singer say in a failed attempt to save a suicidal man’s life?

Duet?

I'm an optimistic pessimist...

I see the glass as half empty, but there are free refills

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

Why is Humpty Dumpty so optimistic about the upcoming Winter?

Because he had a great Fall!

I'm more optimistic than most.

Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"

Microsoft should try making an optimistic and articulate robot that adjusts its responses based on interactions with the public.

They could call it Marco Rubio.

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