UPJOKE
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How do you call an incel who performs card tricks?

A m'gician.

If someone performs an excorcism on you, and you dont have money to pay them...

Do you get repossessed?

My friend decided to take up magic during COVID and he performs some pretty amazing disappearing tricks. He says it’s been hard but really…

I think he’s just going through a stage.

A magician performs magic tricks on the Titanic before it sinks.

In the crowd there is a parrot that somehow always knows whats going on.
He pulls a string of hankerchiefs out of his sleeve: "AWCK, he pulls it from his inner pocket!"
He pulls a rabbit out of a hat: "AWCK, A false bottom!"
He saws a girl in half: "AWCK, there are two girls!"
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: What do you call a urologist who performs reconstructive surgery?

A cocksmith.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...

are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfecti...

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

A rabbi performs a circumcision...

A rabbi performs a circumcision but, absentmindedly, puts the foreskin in his pocket.

After the ceremony, he joins the family to celebrate at a local restaurant.

As they are leaving, the rabbi finds the foreskin still in his pocket and comes back into the restaurant to dispose of it....

A Mexican magician performs a vanishing act.

He tells his audience "On the count of three, I will disappear! Uno! Dos...!"

Poof!

When the smoke cleared, he had disappeared without a tres.

A guy goes in to join the circus.

The ringmaster looks at him and says, "This isn't like the old days, kid. We don't just take anyone off the street anymore. You have to have some kind of unique talent."

The guy pleads with him, "Just give me a minute and I'll show you what I can do."

The ringmaster says, "Ok, you have...

My buddy performs circumcisions, and i was curious how much he got paid

"Oh we dont get paid, we just keep the tips"

What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers?

A math magician.

What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater?

Lake sturgeon.

What do you say when a lousy comedian performs on an escalator?

These jokes are bad on so many levels

Have you guys heard about the female rapper who performs on her menstrual cycle?

They say she has a mean flow

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

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Cop performs a sobriety check

Cop: "say your abc's backwards for me please."
Suspect: "abc's? Backwards? Officer I couldn't do that if I was sober."
*brief pause*
Suspect: "shit."

A magician performs on a cruise

A magician is performing on a cruise when one of the rich clients comes in with her pet parrot. He disappears one of the assistants from the stage and the parrot inmediately explains how it was done. Infuriated, he asks the woman to leave the premises.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry". She says. "My ...

He arrives mysteriously. He helps others, performs miracles, gets betrayed, and finally ascends into the heavens.

E.T. was a great movie.

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- “Relax, Ernest, it’s just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don’t panic,” the doctor says.

- “But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.”

- “I know... just talking to myself.”

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A woman with a skill you won't see coming

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

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