This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did an entire platoon of dirty nazis die?

Wrong shower

The Army now has an entire platoon of female-to male and male-to-female recruits.

It's a complete trans formation.

Two German platoons meet in a training camp.

One General asks the other:

"General, how do you keep your soldiers so tall and strong?"

"Easy" replies the other "I castrate them all!"

"How do you do that, General?" Inquires the first.

"With couple of stones!!" Answers proudly the second General.

"Isn't it too...

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:

"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
...

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.

He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.

Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.

In a gruff voice, he yells "PRIVATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAG...

A Sergeant-Major asks his platoon whether any of them are interested in music

When four hands go up, the Sergeant-Major says "Right, lads! You can carry this grand piano up to the officers' mess."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to join the army

During his first day of weapons training, a Platoon Sergeant chose him to be an example of the platoon.

Sergeant: "Alright private, what's your name?"
Private: "Jackson Parts, sir!"
Sergeant: "Okay private Parts! Show us what you got!"

The whole platoon laughed for a while, but s...

A soldier in my National Guard platoon...

...... became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.

"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that...

A Russian platoon is hiking through the wood...

...when suddenly the point man drops dead from a bullet through his head. The Commander orders the platoon to halt and take cover, when they hear a voice echo through the forest from behind a nearby ridge.

"1 Finnish sniper is worth 5 Russian soldiers!"

Stunned by this ridiculous claim...

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A platoon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A platoon of soldiers is overseas fighting the battle of a lifetime

when all of the sudden, Private Smith runs out of ammo. He yells over for his Sergeant for some more, when the Sergeant throws him a stick. "What am I supposed to do with this?!" Smith yells angrily. In a joking manner, the Sergeant replies "Point it at the enemy, and yell BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old military vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

Three vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories…

The army ranger pipes up first, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the rang...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

Army Dad

Bob father of 2 serves as Sergeant in the Army.
His platoon was ambushed, a wounded soldier lies next to him.

Soldier: "Sarge I am bleeding."

Bob: "Hi bleeding, I am Sarge."

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

Irish Wargames

In light of the present threat created by North Korea, the Irish army decided to conduct the largest military exercise ever in it's history. The entirety of its armed forces were split between the north and south of the island. This is the story of the North Irish 5th infantry battalion.
Each sol...

A Soviet General visits his troops...

He goes to see his men to raise their morale, and to encourage them to continue destroying the Finns on he Eastern front.


From somewhere within the forest he hears, "Ha! One Finn is better than ten Russians!"


The general is angered by this so he rounds up the nearest ten soldie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnnie and Uncle Ron's morals.

Little Johnnie was in his 4th grade class one day when his teacher gave them an assignment.

"Okay kids, tonight you have a homework assignment, go home and ask your families to tell you a story that has a moral", the teacher said.

The next day little Johnnie is sitting in class when he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While conducting drills up in a mountain, a soldier gets bit on his penis by a rattlesnake...

The platoon was split into pairs for these drills, and while climbing the mountain, one of them yells out to his partner: "OUCH!! A snake just bit me on my dick! Quick, run down for help!!"

So the other soldier runs his ass down the hill and finds his Lieutenant and explains the situation. Th...

A Finnish Soldier...

In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a b...

A French General sees a German and sends a scout over a hill.

After a little bit, the general hears gunshots, and the scout does not return.
Angry, the general sends a squad over the hill. Once again, there are gunshots, and the squad doesn't return.
The general cursed and stomped the ground and sent a whole platoon over the hill. Yet again, a fire...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Private Snafu joins the army.

Always last in line for mess, roll or runs, he was also last in line when they passed out equipment. When he gets to the guy handing out guns, the box is empty.
"What the hell am I supposed to do without a gun?!" Snafu asks.
The warren officer thinks for a second. Picking up a mop, he begins ...

Bush, the Queen, Putin and Borisov are in front of 4 banks.

So, Bush, The Queen, Putin and bulgaria's very own PM Borisov are standing in front of 4 banks.

They decide to send in their best.

Bush sends in his best marine platoon, and after 2 hours they come out with all the cash.

The queen sends in her best SAS platoon, and after an hour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old army buddies are sitting at the bar trading stories...

"I remember the first time they took us up to jump out of a plane," says one guy. "The private ahead of me was so scared, he was hanging on to the plane door for dear life. The platoon sergeant was screaming at him to jump, but he just stood there, gripping the door and blubbering. Finally, the plat...

So a young man joins the army..

So a young man joins the army, it was his life plan since he was little because his grandfather and father before him both served. He felt like it was his duty to carry on the family tradition.

So after he joins he goes through all his basic training and testing. A few months later he is bein...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.