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Petrified Jokes

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

I’ve fought Medusa before.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

My Jewish friend confided in me that he was petrified of going to hell for smoking.

"SMOKING" I said, "What the fcuk have you been smoking ?"

"BACON" he said.

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

What is the difference between petrified and fossilized?

One is terrified

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

How do you know if a fossil was afraid before it was petrified?

If it’s a Diana-Ross-osaur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid in school our teacher gave us a spelling game.

When I was a kid in school our teacher gave us a spelling game. We would draw a letter out of a box, think of a word, spell it then put it into a sentence. She went around the class and started to get really nervous. Then she came to the last kid, Johnny we'll call him, and she was positively petrif...

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with Gloria Gaynor disease...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Until the doc told me that I will survive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night.

She ended up being friendly, but upon seeing her, at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Three friends die and go to heaven...

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three fr...

My friend saw Medusa the other day

At first he was afraid and scared, but now he's petrified at the thought of seeing her!

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

My Neighbor is purified of me

Wait, not purified. Petrified. She's petrified. It's hard to read a diary through these binoculars.

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Halloween trick or treaters knocked my door, dressed as Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

I went to a Karaoke Bar that didn’t play any 70’s music yesterday.

At first I was afraid... I was petrified

I wonder what trees are scared of ...

... given there are so many that are petrified

While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a tourist capsized his boat

Petrified, he yelled to an old man standing by the shore, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“No.” the man hollered back. “They ain’t been around for years.”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming towards shore. Halfway there, he asked, “How’d you guys get rid of the gators?”
...

Two elderly couples share a car

They're driving on the German motorway. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them. One of the elderly chaps asks:

'Good day officer, were we speeding?'

'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'

'Why, can we drive faster?'

'Of course, 130km/h eas...

What do they call Tom Hanks when he's too scared to move?

A petrified Forrest

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:

Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.

Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, th...

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

So, a while ago, I was talking to a old piece of wood. I told him a dirty joke...

He was petrified

Aprils fools

A mom comes home from work on aprils fools and the lil bro runs up to her screaming mom mom bro hanged himself in the bedroom, petrified she makes a run for the bedroom and its empty. Turns to her kid in relief telling him that this is not the apropriate joke, while he says aprils fooooools, hes han...

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Pilots

One day the passengers of a flight were waiting impatiently for takeoff. After a few minutes, they notice two men dressed as pilots with white canes and guide dogs make their way into the cockpit. The mood of the plane shifts dramatically from impatient and anxious to scared and skeptical as the pla...

What did people sing when Vesuvius erupted???

"First I was afraid, I was petrified..."

Why are the old trees always yelling?

They were all petrified.

Halloween jokes

What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos.

Whay do you call wood that's scared?
Petrified.

What do you get when you scare a tree?

Petrified wood.

When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa

Not screaming in petrified terror, like his passengers.

Speeding Car

A cop is doing is regular routine, driving on the highway when he spots a car going 95 miles per hours.

He finally catches up with the vehicle and pulls it over, and both vehicles come to a complete stop at the side of the highway. As the cop walks towards the vehicle, on the back seat, he sp...

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In Ice Age, Diego and his pack of saber tooth cats attack the human village...

...while the men are distracted, Diego sneaks into a hut to find the human baby. The baby is there tucked in his bed but before the predator can pounce the mother cave woman grabs her precious package, hits the beast and runs to escape.

Diego chases her and corners the helpless mother at the ...

A car full of elderly women gets pulled over on the highway for going to slow

The officer walks over to the drivers window and asks "do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver says "no why?" The officer says "you were doing 8mph on the highway" the elderly woman looks confused and says "what do you mean, I was going the speed limit" while she was pointing at a sign on the...

In a neighbourhood there were two little brothers, Jim and Jake...

Jim was 12, and Jake was 9, and they were two little devils.

They ran around stealing stuff from the neighbours, and whenever something went missing on the neighbourhood, everyone knew it was their fault.

One day, after they stole somethign yet again, their mother said: "I'm done with ...

So an oxygen molecule walks into a bar... [biochem joke]

and goes up to the bar and orders a drink. As the bartender hands the Oxygen it's drink he notices the small molecule petrified with fear. He notices this and quickly realizes hemoglobin sitting alone in a corner booth with an obvious attraction to oxygen. The bartender looks and says to Oxygen "Don...

Random blonde joke.

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her fir...

The Russian pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."...

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The man with the small head.

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old timer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the bloke and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"

The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... bu...

Two brothers go to Catholic school...

... and they are always getting into trouble. But whenever they get caught in their mischief, the older boy, Frank, says to the younger, Henry, "It'll be ok, as long as we stick together." And even though Henry is much more nervous than Frank, this always gives him the confidence to withstand the la...

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A cowboy walks into a saloon

Its empty but for the barkeep.

"Where is everyone?" cowboy asked

"They ran. Hiding. The black rider is coming" said the old man

"Why are they afraid of the black rider, whos he" puzzled cowboy asked

"He will kill any men, women and some say even children that he sees on...

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