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Hank Jokes

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'

I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude

I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.

What's Hank Hill's favorite band?

PROPAIN!

I found a cd at a thrift store for a band actually called PROPAIN, made up this joke on the spot (maybe it's old idk) and made myself giggle, so I had to buy it, now I keep it in our minivan and break it out as my favorite dad joke whenever I have someone in it lol

Hank Hill got a job working in a BDSM store.

He sells pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.

It's called "You've Got Braille"

Tom Hanks is so nice…

…every time he signs an autograph he writes T.HANKS

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

What do you call Tom Hanks that goes on a boat?

Tom Cruise

If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...

Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.

Whats Tom Hanks Without Resistance?

Tanks

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

Whether Tom Hanks signs his thank you messages "T.Hanks" won't matter...

People won't open his emails anymore because it might be a virus

On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou

"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"

"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.

"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back ...

I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument.

Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows.

Walter White invites Hank over one night.

Walt: I got you a pizza.
Hank: Thanks, how much do I owe you.
Walt: It's on the house

Tom Hanks, age 103, is on his deathbed...

The doctor at his bedside tells his family: "There's not much we can do at this point.

The family turns to Tom and asks him, "What are your wishes for the funeral, Burial or Cremation?"

Tom Hanks slowly lifts up a finger and points it towards his own body and says his last words .......

When Tom Hanks is finishing an email...

...he doesn't need to write a signature after he gives thanks

Tom Hanks really said catch me if you can

and my god did he catch it

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

What would have happened if Hank Snow married June Carter?

Six inches of Snow in June.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

Everyone is freaking out about Tom Hanks having the Corona virus.

I'm just happy that we finally know what Jenny had.

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

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Overcoming your fears.. as told by tom hanks ..

Three men found that they could no longer sleep because of their deep-seeded fears. Their lives were in the state of stasis because of their constant worries. So they set out on a pilgrimage to find a wise man who lived high in the mountains, so high up above the tree line, that no vegetation grew, ...

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Tom Hanks walks into WB studios

Tom Hanks walks into the WB studios and enters one of the many conference rooms.
As he sits down for the read -through, he notices his fellow peers sitting at the table Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill's mustache, Gal Gadot and a couple of other people he was he was only vaguely familiar with. He picks...

What do they call Tom Hanks when he's too scared to move?

A petrified Forrest

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

What did Quentin Terrantino do after hearing that Tom Hanks got COVID-19?

He promptly placed himself in a Quarantino to limit contact with the outsiders.

Tom Hanks and his wife Rita have tested positive for COVID-19.

It's not the first time he's been in isolation with a Wilson.

What do you get when you cross Hank Hill with Bob Ross?

A Pro-painter.

Tom Hanks was right when he said that life is like a box of chocolates

You never know what virus you’re gonna get

Bob went to see his friend, Hank, who was dying in the hospital.

As Bob stood by the bed, Hank’s condition grew worse. He frantically reached toward his friend and gestured for something to write with and something to write on.

Bob hurriedly gave his friend a pen and paper and watched as Hank used the last ounce of his strength to scribble down his final,...

Meeting Tom Hanks made my whole day ... [NSFW]

meeting Kevin Spacey made my hole weak.


I'll see myself out ...

Disclaimer: I met none.

Authorities discover that Tom Hanks has killed thousands of people

with kindness

Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank.

Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000.
The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word
out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....?

Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."

The host says, "You spelled cow ri...

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Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

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Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.

As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.

Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger...

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I wanted to watch this famous Tom Hanks movie, but I made a typo and ended up downloading a movie about a sex slave in a jungle.

It was called Forest Gimp.

Rumor has it Tom Hanks just signed a deal to star in a sequel to one of his greatest 80s blockbusters.

Big, if true.

Reddit should all come together and create a film starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep about a newspaper uncovering a US government cover up.

It would be the greatest rePost of all time.

Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.

I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.

Poor Doggie

After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked. Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog." Hank said, "My God! Was he mad?" Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."

Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks

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In the summer, I was watching a baseball game that was getting a bit boring

The broadcast had a main "play by play" commentator and also a "color" commentator (to talk about stats, player's backgrounds, and random stuff the viewers would find interesting).

At one particularly dead point, the color commentator said "I've got three trivia questions here. First one - f...

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A group of friends was walking around the red light district and came across a sign that said “donuts.”

Hank turned to the other two, Joey and Carl, and said, “Guys, I heard about this! The girl puts a donut on your junk and then goes to town. It’s supposed to be the best thing you can do here. We should do it. It’s not like we’re going to get this chance again!”

Reluctantly, the other two agr...

Everyone in 2020: this is the worst year ever, I can’t wait for 2021

January 2021: U.S. Capitol building attacked, Hank Aaron dead, Larry King dead

A zoo has the most amazing gorilla specimen, but no mate for her...

They cannot find someone to satisfy this amazing female gorilla but cannot find any gorillas strong enough to withstand her.

Eventually they realize the janitor, Hank, is a very big, strong and hairy man. The zoo owner approaches him and says:
“Hey Hank, you know Lucy the gorilla? Woul...

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This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. (long)

This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young man. “I’m going to be in this hel...

A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."

"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"

With his last breath the husband replies "I do"

“I think you need to go outside to take a breather.”

“Hank, we’re astronauts.”

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

What do you call a 3 legged donkey ?

A wonkey .
What do you call a 3 legged donkey who is blind in one eye ?
A blinky wonkey .
What do you call a 3 legged donkey who is blind in one eye and loves Hank Williams ?
A honky tonky blinky wonkey donkey.

King of the Crouton

Bobby Hill asks his father, Hank:

"What are the primary ingredients in a Caesar salad?"

Hank Hill responds:

"Dang it Bobby, that's an easy one.
Romaine and romaine accessories"

Brewers Convention

There's a big convention of brewers from all over the world. At the end of the first day, Nils, Hank and Paddy go for a drink together to share their thoughts. They get settled at the bar, and the landlord comes over to take their order.

Nils says, "I've worked for Carlsberg for ten years, so...

In Tribute

Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk

Man: you're on

Boy: how does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Ruff!

Boy: what's on top of a house?

Dog: Roof!

Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h...

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job.

The mechanic gapes at the man for a few seconds and then asks, "What did you say?"

"A rim job!" says the man. "My buddy knows all about cars and he took one look at my wheels and said I desperately needed a rim job."

Real...

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A male pornstar was charged with murder and sentenced to death by hanging. The day before his execution, the warden asked: "what would you like inscribed on your tombstone?"

...

...

...

...



"Hank

1980-2017

He was well hung"

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

Houdini has just finished a magic show and walks backstage, only to be grabbed roughly, knocked out, and tied up.

When he wakes up, he's in an abandoned warehouse, and a man in a ski mask is standing over him, a sheep by his side. The sheep is using its teeth to tie him up with a very strong rope, which confuses him. Houdini smiles, remembering that he can get out of any knot known to man. He tries to untie the...

The foreign tourist

Hank and Frank are walking down the street. A flustered-looking guy comes up to them and asks,

"Parlez-vous français?" (Do you speak French?)

They stare at him. He tries again,

"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" (Do you speak German?)

They shrug.

"Hablas español?" (Do you spe...

A magic show...

Two friends, Bob and Hank, are watching a magician perform. Mildly amused by the standard tricks and illusions they have seen so far, their attention perks up when they see the beautiful assistant come out from behind the curtain for the “saw the lady in half” trick. As she is climbing into the box,...

What does a teenage boy have in common with the enzyme helicase?

They both want to unzip your genes.

^Credit ^to ^Hank ^Green

Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Rut...

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A man moves out to the countryside.

A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.

While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.

The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.

These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until o...

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Knock, knock.

Go fuck yourselves.

- The straight-laced and frustrated FBI agent, played by Tom Hanks', joke in the movie Catch Me If You Can.

Let me tell you story of a chicken.

Once there was a chicken. He was just like every other chicken, minding himself, keeping his beak clean, working the 9 to 5, the usual. Life was going good for him, until he made a life threatening choice. He had severely angered Hank “Road to Hell” Eagle, AKA “The Road” for short, a notorious mob b...

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What is courage??

COURAGE?

What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a Bull in a bullfight without any weapon?

Is it to undertake a cross-country auto trip in a Chrysler Corporation car?

Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?

Is it to undergo open-heart surgery knowing that th...

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Road Trip

Three friends are on a cross-country road trip when their car breaks down on a highway. Sure enough it was 3 a.m. and in the middle of nowhere, but luckily they saw a house a little ways off. Upon seeing no better option they decided walk to the house to it to get help.
A middle age farmer ...

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