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Nearing Jokes

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

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A dog breeders prize sire is nearing retirement age

The old hound had been prodigious, siring litter after litter, but the breeder felt that the time had come to introduce more variety in his dogs. His problem was that the old hound would chase off all the new sires, and he didn’t have it in him to give his first dog the snip after years of service, ...

A might King was nearing the end of his life, and knew he needed a suitor for his daughter before he died.

In order to find the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in the Kingdom (and perhaps cull out a few of the weaker ones), the King decided to host a challenge.

He invited the *entire* Kingdom to gather around a large pool that he filled with snakes, alligators, eels, and every other kind of d...

A man and his wife are saying their goodbyes as he is nearing death.

"my love" he says "I have to confess to you before I die. I've been unfaithful. We've been married for nearly fifty years and and once, only once, after we had been married for several years, I strayed. Please forgive me!"

The wife moves from his side and goes to the hope chest at the end of ...

So there’s this old, old zookeeper who is nearing retirement.

In fact, she’s so old that she has been employed at the zoo since it first opened. Since she’s been there so long, the zoo has entrusted her with taking care of the two most valuable exhibits in the zoo.

First, she is responsible for feeding an ancient lion. This lion is actually so old that...

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With school year nearing to the end elementary teacher asks her pupils

"I want you to bring a pebble for every *bad word* you say during holiday."

Time flies by fast and at the start of the new school year teacher takes kids out to the yard and asks:

"So, how many pebbles did you have to bring?"

Various kids replies with numbers like 5, 3, 12, etc....

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Nearing the end of a long flight,

the pilot starts talking on the intercom announcing that the final approach coming up. Unknowingly, he then lays down the mic, mistakenly leaving it on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "Man I could sure use a cup of coffee right about now." The co-pilot chuckles and says "Better yet, I could use a ...

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A teenage monk joins a monastery and is told the rules.

Which basically consist of this: silence at all times except, every 20 years, you are allowed to appear before the head monk and speak two words. In his enthusiasm, he agrees.

Twenty years pass. A little disillusioned, he appears before the head monk, the same one who hired him. "Speak your t...

Since reddit is nearing its demise, how do i cash out my gold?

All 0 of it.

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No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

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A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

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There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

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