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Mick Jokes

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Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything i...

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Why won’t Dracula bite Mick Jagger?

Cause you can’t get blood out of a stone.

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Paddy and Mick.

Paddy: "Look at that flock of cows!"

Mick: "Herd of cows you daft bastard!"

Paddy: "Course I've heard of cows,

there's a fucking flock of them over there.

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."

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Paddy talking to Mick.

Paddy: I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

Mick: ''' Fuck that''' are you crazy? "Have you

seen how many of their owners go blind.."

Patty and Mick are working on a construction site

Patty says to Mick. “I want the day off, so I’m going to act like a mad person and hope the manager lets me off”

Patty then proceeds to jump up onto the scaffolding and shouts over and over. “I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb” He’s swinging around like a monkey on a tree and c...

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Paddy and Mick are watching football at Mick's house

Mick looks out the window, and it's pissing rain out. He says to Paddy "sure stay the night here, I'll go up and make a bed for you".

When he gets back downstairs, Paddy is drenched to the bone. Mick says "what in the hell happened to you?

Paddy replied" I went home for me pajamas"

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Loud Mick

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with...

Paddy and Mick are heading down to the pub...

...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED

> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary

Paddy turns to Mick and says "What do you reckon?"

Mick replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

Paddy and Mick

Paddy asks Mick. "Who is the one person you would want to be stranded on a desert island with?".

Mick replys. "My uncle Harry because he has a boat".

Paddy and Mick.

Paddy: I have bought a Puppy.

Mick: Oh nice, what breed have you bought?

Paddy: A Labrador.

Mick: You bloody idiot.

Paddy: Oh! why is that?

Mick: All Labrador owners I have seen go blind....

So Mick Jagger has a pet frog...

The frog decides he wants to buy a nice boat and sail the Caribbean, but he needs to take out a loan to pay for it. So he goes to the bank and talks to Ms. Paddiwack, the personal banker, about getting a loan. He explains that he is Mick Jagger's frog and all about the boat. Ms. Paddiwack asks him i...

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Dave cannot make his wife cum, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

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Incorrect usage of the word 'Fuckin'

Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick - How you doing?

Bob - Fine. Hey will you do me a favor... go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are fuckin freezin.

Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 21 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.

He t...

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

Mick and Paddy

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "O...

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Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fa...

Paddy and Mick take a short cut home across a farmers field

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"

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Did you hear Mick Hucknall was caught having sex with a rabbit?

He was holding back the ears.

Paddy and Mick were trying to get a loan to open a new distillery but every single bank turned them down.



Apparently they thought it was a whiskey business.

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

Keith Richards and Mick Jagger came over for lunch at my house.

Unfortunately I undercooked the chicken and everyone got sick.

I almost killed 2 Stones with 1 bird.

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

Mick Jagger walked in to a bar, and nobody noticed.

Because you can't always get what you want.

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Three Irishmen, Mick, Sean and Paddy.

Mick: "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Sean: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"

Paddy: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm for a singles holiday and she hasn't even got a cock!"

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Paddy and Mick were walking home from the Pub

when Paddy tripped over. Getting back to his feet he showed Mick his hand and said,"Hey Mick, look at this, I think I've broke my fucking finger".

Mick looked at his hand and said," No Paddy, you've broke the one next to it".

Paddy and Mick are driving an I.E.D toward Downing Street...

Mick takes a left onto a cobbled road. The car shudders and shakes violently.

Paddy: "Mick!! Slow down ya crazy man, you're gonna set the bomb off!!!"

Mick: "Oh calm down Paddy, I've got a spare one in the back!"

Paddy and mick

Paddy and mick were having lunch together.
Paddy opens his lunch box
"Feck me Mick, that's chicken sandwiches every day for the third week running. If I get chicken again tomorrow I'm gonna go jump off the roof and kill myself"

Mick opens his lunchbox and has a ham sandwich,
"Fecki...

Two Irish men, mick and Dara are walking in the woods..

Mick and Dara are walking in the woods when they come up on a sign saying "Job opportunity! Good pay. Tree fellers wanted."
"Ah, jaysus" says Dara, 'tis but a shame there's only two of us"!

Did you hear Keith Richards and Mick Jagger's airplane went down after a goose flew in the engine?

Killed two Stones with one bird

Paddy says to Mick.

Paddy says I just got handed a leaflet from a couple of guys, it said be a Jehovah's witness, Mick says what did you tell them?

Paddy replied, I didn't even see the accident, so how can I be a witness?

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "W...

A frog walks into a bank.

The frog hops up on the counter of the nearest available teller and says "I want a loan."

Confused, the teller asks for the frog's name.

"My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Rolling Stone's legend Mick Jagger, and I want a loan" he says. "And what is **YOUR** name?"

"My name is Pat...

Paddy says to Mick

"Hey Mick is this your pen"?
Mick says "I don't know, give it here"
Mick writes on a piece of paper with it then turns to Paddy and says "Yes it is"
"How do you know?" asks Paddy
"Its my handwriting" replies Mick.

Paddy and Mick got laid off...

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
 
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
 
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and f...

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Paddy says to Mick. I have bought 2 goldfish.

Mick says have you got names for them? Paddy replies, I call that one, One and the other one I call Two. Mick says why the fuck have you called them that.? Paddy says, well if one dies I will still have two.

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Paddy runs into the pub and shouts, "Mick, some assholes stole your car!”

Mick says, "Did you see who did it?"

Paddy replies, "No, but I got the license number!”

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were arrested for allegedly breaking into a Spanish man's house

They reportedly took some of his belongings (only what they could carry). When the police asked the homeowner about it, he said "They took what they could, but then.... The Rolling Stones gathered no más."

Mick Jagger goes to the doctor...

Mick Jagger: "Doctor, I feel all bloated and gassy, but I just can't seem to fart."

Doctor: "Are you saying that..."

Mick Jagger: "Yes, doctor... I can't get no flatus action."

Mick Jagger is sitting on a cloud.

He sees a piece of gold on the cloud with him and throws it off exclaiming

Au get off of my cloud!

Mick: I’ve got a medical problem so I have to get circumcised...

Paddy: Wow! At 35 years old?! I was a new born baby when I was circumcised.

Mick: Did it hurt?

Paddy: Well I couldn’t walk for about 12 months

Mick is walking down the street when he sees Paddy running behind a bus

“Oi, Paddy! Why’re you running behind that bus?”

“Well I’ve got to pay if I get on it!”

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3 Irish men in a pub…

… called Mick, Pat and Tat. The barman says "Are you all related?"

Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"

Barman said "Triplets!, how come you and Pat are 6ft tall and Tat is only 4ft tall?",

"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch

Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch over at Dave’s house when the conversation turns to postal delivery workers.


Dave, disgruntled about the subject, says “I order a lot of books to get delivered here daily, but I always get a slip saying that they missed me, even if I’m home to ...

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Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.

Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"

Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a de...

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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

Mrs Donnelly: Mick? You took me husband Donnie on da trip to Guinness brewery, and heres you are alone. Where's me Donnie?

Mick: Its terrible news, miss. Donnie were leanin over one of those great big vats of stout, fell in and drowned.


Mrs Donnelly (starting to tear up): Oh lord in heaven... Mick! At least tell me he died quick.


Mick: I can't miss. He got out to pee three times.

Happy Saint...

A frog goes into a bank (long)

A frog walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He says, “my name is Kermit Jagger and I’d like to take out a loan.” The teller says, “nice to meet you, I’m Patti, but I have to tell you, we don’t loan money to frogs.” Kermit says, “no it’s ok. I have collateral. Here is this priceless heirloom...

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Mick was going to see Paddy...

He went to his farm and Paddy's wife Mary said he's out in the barn.
When Mick walked in to the barn he seen paddy dancing naked in front of his tractor.
Mick said what are you doing Paddy?
Paddy replied, you know me and Mary were having problems in the bed room, so we went to a therapist ...

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The bastard frog love child of Mick Jagger

On a wild drunken night after one of his gigs, Mick Jagger gets involved in a really kinky and depraved orgy. Amongst the participants that crazy night was a party loving groupie frog called Freya.
A couple of months later, Freya noticed that one of her new little tadpoles was quite different t...

Paddy and Mick are fishing

.. and they're not catching anything.
As they're about to give up for the day past them walk two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish.


"BEJEYZUS!" Paddy exclaims, "How on Eart did ya catch soo many fish?"
The Englishmen explain that it's a life-hack they've been...

Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

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A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later...

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Paddy was telling Mick about his first parachute jump

When I got to the door I couldn't do it, but the instructor, 6 ft 7 mountain man, unzipped his fly and whipped out 14 inches and said "If you don't jump this bad boy is going up your arse."

"Did you jump?" asked Mick.

"A bit ..." replied Paddy, " ... when it first went in."

Mick at the Sawmill

Seamus and Mick found jobs at a sawmill when they arrived in America.

One morning after wetting his whistle, Mick slipped and sliced his arm clean off. Seamus quickly placed Mick's arm in a plastic bag and rushed him to the hospital. The next day, Seamus was shocked to see Mick back on the ...

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Mick, Seamus and Paddy are chatting about how stupid their wives are

Mick says *“women are so stupid, my wife is on some stupid diet but she’s not even fat”*
&nbsp;

Seamus goes *“you think that’s stupid, my wife has gone and bought a car, she hasn’t even got a licence”*
&nbsp;

So Paddy pipes up *“fellas that’s fucking nothing, my wife is t...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

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It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

Mick and Paddy on an airliner.

Mick and Paddy were on an aeroplane, and halfway through the flight, Mick spoke:

"Paddy, if this plane would turn upside down, do you think we'd fall out?"
And Paddy replied "Nah, we'd still be mates."

So the other day Mick and Paddy were walking down the road...

...when they came across two blokes on a bridge. One was holding the other by the ankles over the edge, and the other fellow had his hands in the water.

Curious, Mick and Paddy watched them for a while until the bloke dangling from his ankles began to scream "Pull me up, pull me up quick!"...

Why didn't Mick Jagger pick Randy Moss up from the airport?

Because a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

I’m ready for a holiday.

Paddy says to Mick,
“I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks,
"So what are you going...

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Mick and Paddy on the quiz show

Two irishmen called Mick and Paddy go to UK´s quiz show Mastermind in hopes of showing how smart they are. Mick goes to the chair, while Paddy sits with the audience.


In comes the show´s host Magnus Magnusson:

*Magnus*: "what is your choice of subject?"


*Mick*: "Iri...

A Mick and Wop walk into a sub shop

One orders the Italian, the other orders a filthy stinking drunk.

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

Mick Jagger was awarded for his lifetime achievement in music industry for over 55 years.

He didn't have a date to the ceremony so Kate Moss, who was a huge fan of Mick, volunteered to be with him for the night. It was decided that he'll pick her up from her hotel. On the evening of the ceremony Mick didn't pick her up and went straight to the ceremony alone.


Apparently a rol...

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An Irish Skydiver

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.

When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' "

Mick asks: "Did you jump?"

Paddy replies: "A l...

Pat and Mick were walking down the street when Pat fell into a big hole filled with milk.

Mick runs over to the hole and asks:

“Pat, is it pasteurised?”

To which Pat replies:

“Nah, it’s only up to my knees!”

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