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What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson pouring champagne all over his naked chest?

An astro-fizzy-tits

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Neil the trucker

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes:

"I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel."

And he sings this every five minutes.



At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the h...

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Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”

“Neil before me”

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

“I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon.”

“Neil before me.”

I bought a volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay...

Swede car online!

The opposite of Neil Gaiman...

Is Stand StraightWoman

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

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Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

Why did Neil took a small step

Because he was Armstrong not legstrong

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

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Another Little Johnny joke...

Johnny's teacher is asking trivia questions in class, and letting whoever answers them correctly go home early. One day, she asks, "Who was the first President of the United States?"

Before Johnny can even raise his hand, Billy says, "George Washington!"

"That's correct, Billy," teach...

What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Neil

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

8 years ago Neil Armstrong died, such a loss for mankind.

My Apollo-gies to his family.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Did you know Neil de Grasse Tyson has a brother Maurice who’s in the landscaping business?

Moe de Grasse Tyson.

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

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A while back, me and my coworkers were on break having a light conversation and the topic got to 'You Are What You Eat' ..

We were joking around and roasted each other for our replies. I got an earful about being a skinny, flimsy wimp for eating noodles. Gary got some crap for liking fruit.

Creepy Neil lost his job in the Coma/PVS ward and has a court date because Carol checked the video logs after he said 'veget...

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

One small step for Man

A friend of Neil Armstrong said when you landed on the moon,
in all the excitement, how the hell did you come up with that great saying …

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?

Just Amazing to be able to come up with that, on the spur of the moment!

Neil said i d...

Do you think Neil was tired after flying to the Moon?

Probably not, that’s why they called him Armstrong

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Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to a...

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.

Michal Jackson touched kids

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

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So its being reported that Neil deGrasse Tyson is having his show pulled from the air due to sexual misconduct allegations. I only have one thing to say about that.

It wasn't actually "pulled from the air". It was removed from a broadcast schedule that includes land, space and over-the-air signal delivery.

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson is now being investigated for sexual misconduct.

But is it really all that surprising that an astrophysicist pulled a Spacey?

Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service...

and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"

Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?...

On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.

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My boss gets really pissy when I call him "Dick".

I think it's because his name is "Neil".

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

Bill Nye cloned himself with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Unfortunately, something went wrong in the cloning process and resulted in the clone being pure evil. As soon as he was released from the cloning vat, the evil clone killed the good Bill Nye and escaped. Much later, after hunting him for years, Neil deGrasse Tyson finally caught up with the evil clo...

What did Neil Armstrong do after getting caught harrassing a woman?

He apollogised

What does Neil Degrasse Tyson say to pickup a lady?

"Hey, would you like to get astro physical with my dark matter?"

What does Neil Patrick Harris call his toilet?

His Dookie Houser

"If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person's body, and tied them end-to-end, the person will die." -- Neil deGrasse Tyson

https://twitter.com/neiltyson

How does Neil deGrasse Tyson trim his toenails tomorrow?

Eclipse them!

Neil Armstrong would go to parties, tell anecdotes about when he was on the moon, then laugh hysterically at his story, though no one else would understand what was so funny...

So he'd add 'well I guess you had to be there.'

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

A guy dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives, St. Peter greets him and shows him around. Off in the distance, he hears the sickest drum solo he's ever heard, and asks St Peter, "Is that Neil Peart?!"

"Yes, he plays for us all day long!" St Peter replied.

Then, they hear the unmistakable melody of Purple Rain, an...

I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

The English we Speak....

**Helen:** Hello and welcome to The English We Speak from BBC Learning English, I'm Helen. With me today is quite a frustrated-looking Neil. Neil, what are you doing to that mobile phone?


**Neil:** Argh, I can't get it to make a phone call. It does everything else: it takes photos, it c...

Hand Washing Lyrics

**Neil Diamond:** Hands...
**NHS:** Yep, wash them for 20 seconds
**Neil Diamond**: Touching hands..
**NHS:** No, don't do that
**Neil Diamond:** Reaching out..
**NHS:** Errrr, avoid that too
**Neil Diamond:** Touching me..
**NHS:** Oh no
### **Neil Diamond:**...

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb.

3. 1 to screw it in and 2 others to argue about how Neil Peart would have done it better

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

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The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.

A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.

As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square ro...

My dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up

I said " I want to be an astronaut like the great Neil Armstrong, but instead of going to the moon I'm going to the sun!"

My father called me a dumbass, he told me the sun was too hot and nobody can go to the sun because they will die.

I told him " You're the dumbass pops! I'm going ...

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

Which famous astrophysicist used to play sports?

Neil Lacrosse Tyson

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