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Neil Jokes

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…

… Until the pressure got to him.

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service...

and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"

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Neil the trucker

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes:

"I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel."

And he sings this every five minutes.



At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the h...

Why did Neil took a small step

Because he was Armstrong not legstrong

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

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What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong *walked on the moon* but Michael Jackson was a *pedophile.*

What's the deal with Neil Young?

I mean the guy is born in 1945. That's retirement age. Shouldn't he start calling himself Neil Old by now?

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

Neil never had a girlfriend

So he became Neil Armstrong

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

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What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson with no shirt on pouring champagne all over himself?

An astrofizzytits

The opposite of Neil Gaiman...

Is Stand StraightWoman

There have been numerous accusations that the moon landing was fake.

When Neil Armstrong was interviewed about it, it’s claimed he said the following;
The government found the trip to the moon was going to be both expensive and difficult. There was significant doubt that it could even be done. So, the CIA decided that because the US needed the propaganda advanta...

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

I bought a used Volvo from Neil Diamond on Autotrader....

Swede car online.

8 years ago Neil Armstrong died, such a loss for mankind.

My Apollo-gies to his family.

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Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

What do you call an astronaut that lifts weights?

Neil Armstrong

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

Neil Armstrong and his team were training for moon expedition at a desert and met an old Native American

The native American asked : Can you do me a favour?

Neil Armstrong : Of course, what do you want?

Native : Please pass this important message to our holy spirits living on the moon

The native American started uttering the message in his tribal language and asked Neil Armstrong t...

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

Do you think Neil was tired after flying to the Moon?

Probably not, that’s why they called him Armstrong

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Good luck, Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-...

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Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to a...

What does Neil Patrick Harris call his toilet?

His Dookie Houser

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Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson is now being investigated for sexual misconduct.

But is it really all that surprising that an astrophysicist pulled a Spacey?

Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”

“Neil before me”

Did you know Neil de Grasse Tyson has a brother Maurice who’s in the landscaping business?

Moe de Grasse Tyson.

Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.

The barman says, ‘We don’t serve pieces of string here.’

So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, ‘They don’t serve strings here’.

Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.

So string 3 gets...

How does Neil deGrasse Tyson trim his toenails tomorrow?

Eclipse them!

Bill Nye cloned himself with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Unfortunately, something went wrong in the cloning process and resulted in the clone being pure evil. As soon as he was released from the cloning vat, the evil clone killed the good Bill Nye and escaped. Much later, after hunting him for years, Neil deGrasse Tyson finally caught up with the evil clo...

I bought a new "Smart TV"...

>Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother. It will only let me watch Neil deGrasse Tyson space documentaries.

Here’s 2 jokes: What do you call a woman with 1 arm and 1 leg?

Eileen


What do you call a man with no shins?



Neil

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 years into the future, NASA has a program for the public to travel to all planets. NASA has a Kennedy Space Center Ticket kiosk, run by Neil deGrasse. A man walks up with $200 "One ticket to soar around Uranus." Neil: "Here you go, you must take the proper precautions,the journey is rough."

"You have to pass through a black hole to get there."

The English we Speak....

**Helen:** Hello and welcome to The English We Speak from BBC Learning English, I'm Helen. With me today is quite a frustrated-looking Neil. Neil, what are you doing to that mobile phone?


**Neil:** Argh, I can't get it to make a phone call. It does everything else: it takes photos, it c...

One small step for Man

A friend of Neil Armstrong said when you landed on the moon,
in all the excitement, how the hell did you come up with that great saying …

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?

Just Amazing to be able to come up with that, on the spur of the moment!

Neil said i d...

Hand Washing Lyrics

**Neil Diamond:** Hands...
**NHS:** Yep, wash them for 20 seconds
**Neil Diamond**: Touching hands..
**NHS:** No, don't do that
**Neil Diamond:** Reaching out..
**NHS:** Errrr, avoid that too
**Neil Diamond:** Touching me..
**NHS:** Oh no
### **Neil Diamond:**...

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So its being reported that Neil deGrasse Tyson is having his show pulled from the air due to sexual misconduct allegations. I only have one thing to say about that.

It wasn't actually "pulled from the air". It was removed from a broadcast schedule that includes land, space and over-the-air signal delivery.

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumstick...

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My boss gets really pissy when I call him "Dick".

I think it's because his name is "Neil".

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

"If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person's body, and tied them end-to-end, the person will die." -- Neil deGrasse Tyson

https://twitter.com/neiltyson

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

Neil Armstrong would go to parties, tell anecdotes about when he was on the moon, then laugh hysterically at his story, though no one else would understand what was so funny...

So he'd add 'well I guess you had to be there.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

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