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Damnation Jokes

A sad first attempt at a joke

(It’s my first time posting here. Don’t blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.

"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."

So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each ...

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

Why are there no toilets in Hell?

Because it is damnation without relief.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

What do you get when you mix a Great Dane with Dalmatian?

A Great Damnation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

A nun was brought to the hospital in agony

Her sisters said they had found her writhing in pain on the floor clutching her crotch naked. She was supposedly getting dressed. The young nun was sedated and given morphine but refused to talk about what happened. Finally the mother superior was brought in and given privacy with the girl to ext...

A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.

With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.

“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.

Step.

“That’s the jingle bell.”

Step...

Disney just announced plans for an animated adaptation of Dante's Inferno

They're calling it, "101 Damnations."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hope when I die and go up to be judged they give me some stats.

St. Peter looking solemn says, "Stephen, did you know that 33% of your vernacular is dedicated to swearing? And a staggering 33% more is solely focused on blasphemy?! I'm sorry Stephen, but I must sentence you to an eternity in damnation."

"Well... fuck! Goddamnit!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan is giving him the tour and explains he has a choice of 3 rooms in which to receive his eternal punishment.

He opens the door to the first room. It's vast and the man sees billions of people all standing on their heads, eating ice-cream. The man is surprised by the ice cream but shudders...

It’s a snowy day and Trump steps out onto the White House grass

Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.



Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to hell

He meets Satan who tells him "Hey bud! Ya' know what? I feel generous today, so you get to choose your own damnation!"
"Cool", says the man.
Satan takes him to the first chamber. In there the man sees his worst memory being played to him over and over eternally. He shivers. Satan takes him to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was playing outside of a church

He was poking a small anthill with a sharp stick and every time he missed an ant he would curse:

-Shit, I missed!
-Fuck, I missed!
-Damn, I missed!

The priest overheard him and gave him a lecture about not cursing in the house of the lord, yet the boy continued:

-Shit, I m...

A Republican politician prays to God to stop climate change...

Nearly all of the world's scientists present the politician with data about the causes and potentially disastrous effects of climate change.

Ignoring them, the politician prays, "Dear Lord, please help us with this climate change problem!"

Captains of industry present the politician wi...

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

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