Menacing Jokes - 59 Hilarious Menacing Jokes

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

Holding a gun in each tentacle, the octopus glared menacingly at the cat. The feline, however, chuckled and purred...

"You're one short, pal."

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...

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A man is peeing at a urinal…

When he hears someone smash the bathroom door open.

A huge man steps into the bathroom and growls like a maniac. The dude takes out his penis and it’s a monster! This beast of a man swings his penis like a bat and slams it into a stall door. The door explodes!

The man at the ...

A man from northern Alaska is on trial…

The prosecutor asks in a menacing tone, “Where were you in the night from October to April?”

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.

“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..

“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

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A man has problems with urinating in one direction

This gentlemen was in a frightful state, bursting into the public lavatory sweating and groaning. Desperate to have a pee, he stands in the middle cubicle between two guys and let’s rip. The pee flies everywhere, up the walls, onto his shoes and all over the other guys who are disgusted and run out ...

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk...

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An innocent man is given a life sentence. (NSFWish)

The guards take him to his cell, where he finds out that his bunkmate is about twice his size, with a mean mug and a menacing demeanor. As the innocent man is settling in, the inmate says, "Alright, since I'm feeling generous today, I'm gonna give you the option. You wanna be the wife or the husband...

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

Someone rings at the bell in the middle of the night

He goes downstairs, opens the door and finds a man with a menacing look who says:

- I traveled all the way from Tunisia and I’m here to kill you!
- TO WHAT?!
- Tunisia

(I believe the original is in Portuguese or Spanish and the man comes from Paraguai but I think you all dese...

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A man goes to prison...

He's led to his cell, enters the door which is then locked behind him. A big bruiser of man sits on his bed with a menacing grin on his face.
"In this cell we play a game called Mummies and Daddies... Do you want to be Mummy or Daddy?" asks the big guy.
"I'll be Daddy" replies the newby.
"O...

The Sun looked down at me, smiled and said, “Good morning. Want some light?” I exclaimed, “What a beautiful day! Thanks Sun!" The Sun chuckled, “Here’s some heat as well." Sweating, I groaned, “Wow, it's getting hot now." Menacingly, the Sun roared...

“It’s going to get hot when I expand and destroy your planet in a few billion years!"

I shot back, “Not if we destroy it first!"

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A man cheats with a married woman...

... and they are right in the middle of the act when suddenly they hear the front door opening.

"Quick hide in the bathroom", she says. Desperate but without a better idea he runs to bathroom naked.

The husband enters the bedroom and sees his wife naked in the bed.

"Honey, what...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

Back in the 1960s there lived an Italian mobster…

He was known throughout New York City as “L’incubo”(the nightmare), as he would commit the most heinous of crimes, but only at night. The police have searched every single day for him, but to no avail.

Rapidly losing hope, five policemen stopped to pray at a nearby church during their break. ...

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Two nuns were driving home late one night

Two nuns were driving home late one night in the countryside when suddenly they came upon a mean-looking vampire standing in the middle of the road. The nun behind the wheel jammed on the brakes. The two nuns and the vampire stared at each other for a moment and then the vampire started walking towa...

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

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Josef Stalin was on his way to order the army against the Nazis.

He went to one of the troops, which had 500 men.
Suddenly, one man sneezed.
\- Who sneezovsky?! - he shouted.
Silence.
\- Shoot halfovsky!
Half of the troop was killed, leaving 250 men. Later on someone sneezed.
\- Who sneezovsky? No one says...? Shoot halfovsky! ...

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

Come in

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon e...

A man in a baklava that covers his face is robbing another guy...

- "GIVE ME YOUR WALLET!" he yells as he looks menacing with a knife.

The other man gives him the wallet, and the robber opens it to take the money out...

- "Only 3 dollars?, what do you do for a living?"

- "Im an engineer"

The robber takes off the baklava and says:
<...

A duck walks into a bar.

And cheerfully asks the bartender:

Duck: Got any fish?

Bartender: Err...fish? No, this is a bar, dude.

Duck walks out disappointed but comes back after a short while.

Duck: Got any fish?

Bartender: No. I already told you. This is a bar.

The duck, clearly dis...

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

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A Brit, an Irishman, and an American are walking in the woods together and get lost.

They stumble upon a bridge over a deep ravine guarded by a menacing ogre.

"Halt! Stand where you are!" yells the ogre. "Only those who can answer my riddle can pass this bridge! If you get the answer wrong, you die!"

The three men are short on supplies and don't have a lot of options, ...

Wayne was returning home from a business trip,

bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.
Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward....

Hilary Clinton dies

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Hillary Clinton was tragically hit by a car and died.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high offici...

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

A pirate walks into the kitchen and announces:

A pirate walks into the kitchen and announces:

"Someone call fer me?"

I look down at my homework, and back up at the pirate and say, "uhhh, I was just trying to figure out how to do this problem, nothing a pirate could help with."

The pirate walks menacingly toward me, and I con...

Frieza from Dragon Ball Z gets a job as a medical receptionist

After a long day of fighting Vegeta comes into the Dr’s office to get some wounds looked at. As a new patient, Frieza directs him to fill out a hefty stack of new patient paperwork.

After some time, Vegeta brings his finished paperwork to Frieza only to be handed another stack of paperwork. ...

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Vampires!

So a Man and His newly wedded wife were about to have Sex in this Transylvanian Hotel. She was lying on the bed, dress in nothing but her tiny lingerie. Just when he was about to get on the bed with her and do the deed. A Vampire crashed through the roof between them. It stood there, menacingly, and...

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A nun and her friend are walking down the street late one night...

...when suddenly Dracula steps out of the shadows and stands in front of them, staring menacingly.
“Oh my God, it’s Dracula! What should we do?” says the nun.
“Quick, show him your cross!” says her friend.
“Good idea” says the nun. She quickly walks towards Dracula and shouts “Hey! Get o...

A guy gets stranded on a small island with a dog and a sheep...

After a few months, the sheep starts looking really pretty. But every time he makes a move on it, the dog growls menacingly. He tries to run up and shove it in the sheep before the dog notices, but the dog freaks out and starts biting him, so he runs off, leaving the sheep alone.

Then one da...

A burglar breaks into a house...

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As ...

A JokeExplainBot walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve robots in here."

The JokeExplainBot replies menacingly, "Oh, you will... Someday, you will."

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

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Mommies and Daddies [nsfw]

A guy goes to prison for tax fraud and winds up sharing a cell with an absolutely massive violent offender called Bubba.

The cell door shuts for the night and the lights go out. Our protagonist is curled up on his bed literally fearing for his life on his first night in prison. Out of the dar...

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The Traveling Salesmen and the Farmer's Daughter

(Obligatory traveling salesmen break down, ask farmer for shelter, farmer warns against sleeping with daughter, salesmen do anyway setup...)

"As punishment," the farmer says sternly, "you're going to help me with my harvest. Go outside and pick one hundred of your favorite fruit."

The ...

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Stupid Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a...

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

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I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of Mexican cartel gang members pulled up next to me in their low-rider. Six sets of eyeballs set in faces covered with tattoos stared menacingly at me and there commenced some spirited discussion between the members and I seemed to be the subject of it. I was getting nervous and had just c...

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are adventuring in the jungles of the rainforest

Upon entering a clearing they are suddenly ambushed by a remote cannabalistic tribe. They are bound, gagged, and marched into the village.

They old tribe shaman emerges from his hut and approaches them slowly. He squares up to the brunette, cuts her bound wrists and says with broken English ...

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[Long] A rich man suffer from extreme arachnophobia, and is searching for a cure.

He calls the best scientist, psychiatrists and even folk healers, but no one of them is able to solve his problem.

Depressed, the man goes into a bar to drown his sorrows, and tell the bartender of his issue. The man begin to tell a tale he inherited from his grandpa: "Deep into the wo...

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A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post.

The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up.

"Are you smuggling something?" asked the officer to the truck driver. "It would be wise if you told me before we found something."

"Nope," said the truck driver casually. And he was right. ...

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On the Sixth Day, God created Man

A little later, Adam and Steve approached God in the garden.

"Hey God," said Adam.

"Adam, Steve, you've been doing a good job naming the animals. I am particularly fond of 'hippopotamus.'"

"The unicornth are my favorite!" Steve added.

"Actually, we're here about a possib...

Climb the ladder

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
...

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Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More mov...

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

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A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

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He was extremely nervous to have dinner with his girlfriends family

He was sitting around the table with his girlfriend right next to him, her mother on the other side, her two siblings in the middle two seats, her father directly across from him at the head of the table, and the family dog, Spot, relaxed on the floor.

All of a sudden the urge to fart hit ...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

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