Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football...

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I did not stop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men at an airport

First man says, "I can't find my wife."

Second man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

First man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?"

Second man says, "Fuck her, we'll look for yours."

I like my men how I like my coffee...

Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they chnge theirs more often

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1 in 10 men is gay

and 10 men in 1 man is super gay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

There were two men in a prison in the USSR.

One asked the other: Why are you here?
The other answers: Political reasons.

He asks another question: What political reasons?

The other prisoner answers: I am a plumber, and I got called in to the party committee to fix their sink. And they asked what was the problem and I sai...

I know men over mansplain things some times...

But why do women keep ovaryacting to it?

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

Three old men are sitting on a park bench. The first says "Windy, innit?".

The second says "No. Thursdy.".

The third says "Me too. Let's go for a pint.".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a woman that likes to have sex with homeless men? (NSFW)

A Hobosexual

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two men

Wearing the same clothing and walking together so I asked both of them if they were gay.
They did not hesitate arresting me.

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

Men are generally smarter than women, while women are more talkative

That’s because men have two heads and women have 4 lips.

Three men ascend to heaven and they meet St Peter at the pearly gates.



St. Peter makes it clear to the men that they can only come in if they’ve never drunk, never smoked and never been unfaithful to their wife. The first man steps up and says: “Hiya Pete, I’ve never smoked, never drunk and never been unfaithful to my wife.”

The first man gets the nod o...

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

Three men are about to be executed

The guards bring the first man out & the firing squad gets ready to shoot. But then the man yells “*EARTHQUAKE!*” Everyone runs for cover, & the prisoner escapes.

They bring the second man out & the firing squad gets ready. But then the man yells “*TORNADO!*” Everyone runs for co...

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ‟That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I am a gonna go over there and help.” He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head...

How do you stop 2 blind men from fighting?

Scream, “look out he’s got a gun!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

Why do good Christian men fall for gingers?

I'm no scholar but it's something about a burning bush

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg?

Shake hands, of course!

Two men go hiking

And one of them has a stutter and extreme trouble saying words that begin with a T.
They are walking on a popular hiking trail long 2000m, and they will camp at the destination.
700m into their walk the man with a stutter starts
saying : " T T T T T"
His friend, annoyed with this says ...

Just announced, there is now a morning after pill for men.

It changes your blood type.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."

A church lady behind them is crimson red and beside herself. "You two need Jesus! How dare you say such shameless filth? ...

Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

They both survive the crash. Then just after their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.

"I've searched this entire island and haven't...

There were 3 men in a brothel. One going up the stairs, one in going down the stairs, and one in a room. What were their nationalities?

The man going up the stairs was Russian.

The man going down the stairs was Finnish.

And the man in the room, Himalayan.

Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO

Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Men Came to America

One Irish One Canadian and One Mexican. They all lined up to pass their citizenship test.

The professor said...ok. Use the word contagious in a sentence. If you get this correct you pass and will be American Citizens.

The professor asks the Canadian to use the word contagious in a sen...

Do you know why women speak twice the number of words than men in a day?

Because men weren't listening the first time

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an indigenous tribe of only men,

He asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
The leader of the tribe says "Since you're our guest you get to go first.".
The doctor ...

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

3 men are on a hot air balloon

3 men are on a hot air balloon but it’s losing altitude. They need to get rid of things quickly.

The first man grabs some planks of wood and throws them off the side of the balloon.

The second man throws 3 heavy rocks off of the balloon.

The last man drops a bomb off the side....

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Men goes to the procotologyst

The man stands in position to be checked and the doctor stands back.

The doctor slaps his patient butt cheeck and says "Relax Smith, stay calm"

- But Doctor, im not Smith, Im Johnson
- I know, Im Smith

Christmas will be the same for most men.

Sitting at the table with a big fat bird,

that doesn't gobble anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Say what you will about men in porn, but you can't deny one thing

They work hard.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate

If you can’t come let me know

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

Three men are about to get executed in Bulgaria

The executioner approaches the first man and says

"How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric Chair?"

"I'll take the chair" the prisoner says.

So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two types of men in this world

Those who have tried to suck their dick, and liars

Ya know, the best punchlines are kinda like men with ED

you never really see them coming

Two men are playing a round of golf.

The third tee is close to a road, and just as one of the players is about to tee off he sees a funeral cortège driving slowly by. He breaks his shot, lays down his club, takes off his cap and bows his head as the procession passes.

‘Wow’ says his friend, ‘That was very respectful.’

...

Three men apply for a spy position

Three men apply for a spy position.
Its the final test

Interviewer: "I have your SO in this room. Your mission is to kill them. Here's a gun."

First candidate: " You can't be serious?"

Interviewer: " Then this job is not for you."

Second candidate comes out 5 minu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men go camping

One of them has to take a leak. He ccomes back and says "A snake bit my dick".
The other one calls the ambulance and the doctor on the phone says "You have to suck the venom out"
The friend asks "So what's gonna happen"
The other one says "You're gonna fucking die"

What comes every month, expectantly but often disappointing and makes women wish they were men?

Salary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed,he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man,‟Why are you eating grass?”

‟We do not have any money for food,” the poor man replied. ‟We have to eat grass.”

‟Well,then,you cn come with me to my house and I‘ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are having a contest

The contest is to see who can keep their genital in a waffle iron for the longest. The first man turns the iron on, puts his penis in, pulls out after two seconds. The next man follows suit and lasts four seconds. The third lasted an entire five minutes and when asked about how he won he said “They ...

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

There’s Three Old Men,

Sitting on their porch, and Jesus finally comes for them. so they’re up in heaven, and there is ducks, EVERYWHERE. Now Jesus Says, “Alrighty, Now in heaven, we only got one rule. Never. Ever. Step on a duck. If you do, you will be chained up to an ugly person for all of eternity.”
Now they all sa...

Three men are hired to work on a ranch.

The first of the three was the youngest. He was told when he is craving a woman to use the barrel behind the barn.
He takes advantage the very first night and describes it to the others in vivid detail. The oldest of the group sat quietly and drank his beer.
The second night he goes bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
‟Gentlemen,” the Devil started, ‟D...

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, called Joe, Barry and Donald, were walking through some wild lands.

They were suddenly captured by some tribal people who turned out to be cannibals. Somehow they conveyed to these cannibals that they didn't want to be eaten. The cannibals conferred for a bit and decided that they'll let the men go on one condition. They told them that they can go if the individual ...

My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife asked, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "No, 6 should be enough."

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

Women say, Men never listen.

Never heard my wife say that..

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Horny men in are in a prison cell.

A Rapist, Necro, Psycho and a Sadist .

Rapist : If there was a cat here , I'd fuck it till it gets weak.

Psycho : Once you done , I'd fuck it to death.

Necro : oh yeaah! , once it's dead , i
I'd fuck it till I die.

The Sadist in the corner very softly: meooooww (uWu)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! ...

What do you call two clueless, old men.

Presidential Candidates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Kids are from Uranus

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women...

Still in the Garden of Eden.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are changing in a locker room when one notices a cork up the other guy's ass.

So he asks him, "How'd you get that cork up your ass?" And the guy says, "Well I was walking on the beach when I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and a genie popped out and said, "I am a genie, I will grant you one wish." So I said "No shit?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world

The first man says “The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head”

The second man says “The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly”

The third man thinks for a second and says “you are b...

Why do men usually die first?

Because we want to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

Women complain why the word Mankind has the word MEN in it...

What about HERpes?

What rock group has four men that don‘t sing?

Mount Rushmore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are walking through a forest

on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard walked up to three men on the street.

The wizard said “I put a spell on you three. Whenever you run and jump while shouting something that you want, you will get what you shouted.”
The three men were very excited.
The first man ran and jumped while shouting “money!”. A big stack of money appeared in front of him.
The second ma...

3 men in a waiting room while their wives give birth

Three men are waiting together in a waiting room while their wives are all giving birth.

The men start to talk and learn about each other while they wait.

The nurse comes out and tells the first guy "Congratulations your wife has given birth and you now have 2 handsome twin boys"
...

After early voting today, I stopped off in the men's restroom...

Some pervert stood right next to me at the stall and was eyeballing my junk!

It's ok though, he said he was an OFFICIAL pole watcher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

Two old men...

...decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old men and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. T...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

Two men meet in hell...

Person 1: You seem like a nice guy. How did you die?

Person 2: Hypothermia from staying in the fridge for too long. You?

Person 1: I wanted to suprise my wife by coming early from a buisness trip than I told her.
When I arrived I was sure she cheated on me, I could hear sound comin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three men named Shit, Manners and shut up

Shit got stuck in a toilet and Manners went to help and try and pull him out. Shut up decided he should buy a plunger from a hardware store to help get him out and drove off. Halfway there a policeman pulled him over for speeding and asked “what’s you name” Shut up said “Shut up” the policeman got a...

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument....

But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.

And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Men with stutters go to see a speech therapist to help them with their stutters and after a few months of therapy that isn't going very well one day the therapist thinks of a solution...

...the therapist then turns around to them and says "right, if you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering...I'll give each of you a blowjob, right here, right now!

she then steps up to the first man and asks him, "where were you born?"

the first man says "B B B B B B B Bir...

Two men are sitting in the sauna.

An elephant comes in.

He looks down and says “How are you supposed to eat with that?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men of 25 play football and . . .

Men of 25 play football, men of 40 play tennis, men of 60 play golf . . .
You notice as you get older, your balls get smaller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are shipwrecked on an island... (long)

They decide to explore the island to look for food as they are quite hungry. After a while of searching they find a cabin hidden in the middle of the woods and there's smoke coming from the chimney.

The first man tells the second he'll go knock and check it out and that the other should stay ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian men on a bus in NY..

2 men from India get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears 1 of them say the following:

"Emma cums first.. Den I cum... Den two asses cum together... . ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.

Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve helped make men’s dicks hard.

No, I’m not hot, I just donate a lot of blood.

Three men go to heaven

At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time.

But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him:
"What happend?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

You are looking through your food bag after just leaving the Taco Bell drive through and find a note written on a napkin that reads "There are 2 armed men in here".......what do you do?

Eat your food.......1 armed men can't make tacos.

What you you call a men's pair of underwear?

A junk drawer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men talk about their best accomplishments.

The first man says, "I helped save a deer from dying of thirst!"

The second man says, "PATHETIC! I once saved a whole dog shelter from a burning fire."

The third man chuckles. "Ha! I found out that, without hands, you cannot move your penis without contracting you ass muscles."

...

Two men break out of a mental institution.

Two men steal flashlights and break out of a mental institution. They find themselves on the roof of the building with orderlies closing in. The men look and see there is an adjacent roof they might be able to jump onto. The first man runs and leaps over the gap, landing on the roof of the next buil...

Why do men wear black to weddings as well as to funerals?

Because they loose a friend on both occasions.

I like my men like I like my books:

Well read and bound in leather.

Men are like shoe laces

They go through many holes before they tie the knot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common?

They both get paid to beat their meat.

FINALLY! BLONDE MEN JOKES:

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers "Yes but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair and I just wet mine."

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says,” You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.“

“Oh, what’s it called?” asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute,” Uhm…I…er…”

Obviously having a senior moment he says,” What’s that flower...

Two men walk into a bar and see a sign behind the bar...

the sign reads "FREE Drinks if you complete the 'Task'"

They call the barman over and enquire about the sign

"It's true" say the barman, "free drinks all night if you complete the Task"

Curious, Man 1 asks "so whats the Task?"

"If you look directly up, you'll see two Sirl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men went on a swimming competition. An American, a Japanese and a Filipino.

The rule was simple, swim through the lake full of alligators, reach the other side alive and win unlimited cash.

Confident, Phelps went first. But in the middle of his dive, a gator appeared in front of him and swallowed him whole.

The crowd was shocked, yet they all booed.

Eag...

Two men are talking to each other

M1: I can not believe you slept with her!

M2:What was I supposed to do she was just laying there naked!

M1:The autopsy!!!

M2:Ohh

M1:You are the worst vet I know

Three men go on a hunting trip in the woods...

They gather around the fire at dusk. They eat and drink and tell stories. Then slowly the fire goes down, and they finish their drinks. The men have no more stories to tell, and boredom starts to take over.

"ENOUGH!" Says the first man, standing up. "We should do something! I bet the two of ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.