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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound se...

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Tarzan

Tarzan went swinging on a vine in the jungle one day and the vine broke. Tarzan popped an eye out, broke his right arm and his penis. He went to the witch doctor and the witch doctor gave him a hawk eye to replace his eye. A gorilla arm to replace his arm and an elephant trunk for his penis then sen...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

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Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks he...

A naked Tarzan sees an elephant drinking from the pond.

The elephant after seeing him approach says, "How much water can you drink from that tiny thing son?"

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

What does Tarzan falling to his death have in common with Millenials?

I miss Vine.

What type of car does Tarzan drive?

A Mazda tree to tree.

What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas tune?

Jungle Bells.

What did Tarzan say when Jane's mother came to their tree house?

Ladder in.

Extensive research has revealed the ultimate fate of Lord Greystoke, better known as Tarzan.

It seems he lost his grip on a slippery creeper whilst swinging through the jungle, and fell to his death.

The native tribe who discovered his body gave him their highest honour: they extracted his intestines, dried them in the sun, and used them as the strings of a musical instrument which w...

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

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So Jane asks Tarzan if he knows what Sex is...

He asks, "what sex?". So she explains the mechanics and asks if he's ever done that. Tarzan says, "yes, with hole in tree".

Jane says, "no, no, no, this is where you're supposed to do it", and lays down on the ground with her legs spread open, gesturing Tarzan to mount her.

So Tarzan...

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Tarzan and Jane

One day, Jane decides to teach Tarzan about sex.
As she is giving him the basics, Tarzan goes:
"Oh, Tarzan know sex. Tarzan sometimes do with hole in tree"
Horrified, Jane goes:
"My word, Tarzan, no, that's so terribly wrong. Here," she lays down on her back and opens her legs "You have ...

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

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Tarzan swang back into the tree house after a day in the jungle

He sees Jane in the kitchen with a couple of pot in the stove.
Tarzan: what's for dinner
Jane : Look in the pots
Tarzan opens the first and it's a pot full of monkey pieces. He open the second and it's full of little birds cooking.
Tarzan: oh no not finch and chimps again.

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What was Tarzans last words?

Who the fuck lubed the vines?

Why did Tarzan's dog run away?

You'd run away too if your name was "OohOohAahAahAAAHAHA!"

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Tarzan and Jane

Jane notices that Tarzan goes in the jungle everyday to stay alone, so one day, wanting to know what he was doing, she follows him.

She sees Tarzan go by a tree, with a hole in it, put his dick in it, and bang it.

So she is touched by the fact that the poor man has to use a tree and de...

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Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...

... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'....

Tarzan and Jane.

Jane - Tarzan, I'm hungry.

Tarzan - Me go get dinner.

He tried very hard to find just the right game for Jane but the best he could do was to bag a chimp and a finch.

Jane was very angry. Truth is nothing was going to please her. It had been the same thing for the last week. ...

Jane: I miss England.

Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.

If Tarzan and Jane were Irish what would that make Cheetah?

The designated driver....

Tarzan comes home after a hard day and asks Jane to mix him a martini

He's hardly sat down before he's finished it and he asks Jane to mix him another, and being a caring, nurturing mate she does so. Again Tarzan makes it disappear and asks (nicely enough, to be fair) for still another one.

At this, Jane arches a delicate eyebrow and says "Three martinis? Bef...

What is Tarzans favourite type of party?

A swinger party.

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Tarzan and Jane

After having lived alone in the forest for a lot of time, and with just the holes in the trees to fullfill his sexual desires, Tarzan meets Jane.

She finds him while he is fucking a tree hole, and she starts feeling horny. She suddenly takes off her clothes and says:

"Tarzan, fuck me!...

Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan?

Because they heard that he swings both ways.

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Tarzan of the apes

.. was fighting a lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his dick. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed.


They gave him an eye of an eagle, an arm of a gorilla, and an elephant's trunk for a dick.
...

Mu favorite series of riddles when i was in high school. Hope you all like it as much as i did <3

Give 3 steps to put an elephant in a refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Put the elephant in
iii.Close it

AND THEN ASK

Give 4 steps to put a giraffe in the refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Take the elephant out
iii.Put the giraffe in
iv.Close it
...

What does a dead cheetah means to Tarzan ?

A new thong !

Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.

Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred you...

You’re liking my dad’s “groan”joke. So here’s another. (Much worse)

An adventurer was out in the jungle when he came upon Tarzan. He was painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.
Although curious, the explorer returned home.
A year later he came back.
Again he finds Tarzan in the jungle. He’s painting white stripes on blac...

Here's a joke I once heard in summer school

There's a plane filled with 5000 bricks. One fell out, so how many are left in the plane? >!4999!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge? >!Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge!<

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge? >!Open the fridge, take the elephan...

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While Tarzan was swinging through the jungle one day he missed a branch And fell to the jungle floor.

He woke up in the witch doctors hut where he was told they had to replace his eye with an eagles eye, his arm with a monkey arm, his legs with a cheetahs legs and his penis with an elephants trunk.

The witch doctor told him to go home and come back if he has any problems

A week went by...

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Tarzan

How do Elephants hide in the Wild?
They Paint their balls Red and hide in an Apple Tree.

How do Elephants hid in the city?
They Paint their toenails different colors and hide in a bag of M'n'Ms.

How did Tarzan die?
By picking apples.

A Dumb joke

What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming up the hill ?
\-Nothing, because elephants can't talk .

Tarzan walk into his wife making dolma..

He then shouts: How many times I told you not to touch my underwear?!?!

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What is yellow and climbs trees?

A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse

I miss vine

tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor

Tarzan

I was watching the new Tarzan movie with my mom who is infatuated with Alexander Skarsgaard. At the end of the movie she was upset about his injuries and said, "that's gonna leave a scar." To which I replied, "Nope, because he has Skarsgaard." And now I hate myself for such a bad joke. Actually I wo...

So Jane walks into a clearing...

And sees Tarzan going at it with a log. She watches for a couple of minutes, getting real aroused by the raw sensuality an passion. She decided that Tarzan deserved better.

She quickly undressed and called out to Tarzan: “wouldn’t you like to do it with me instead of the log?” Tarzan looks at...

A woman came home and told her husband

, “Honey, you know that headache that’s been bothering me all these years? I’m finally cured!”

“Cured?” the man asked, “How did that happen?”

“My friend Johanna recommended that I go see a hypnotist. The hypnotist told me to stand in front of a mirror and repeat ‘I don’t have a heada...

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One of the first "dirty" jokes I heard when I was 10

So Jane sees Tarzan sneaking off one night and goes investigating. She follows his trail and finds him furiously humping a tree-trunk that has a curiously well-used looking hole in it. Initially disgusted, she's mollified thinking, "At least he wasn't doing it with other animals like everybody else ...

Famous Last Words

List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:


Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"

Series of Cheesy Jungle Jokes

I always like to tell these in a series. I also like to milk jokes (drag them out a little longer than you would expect) so prepare for the cheese. There's a little flexibility in how you tell these jokes, and if you have any other jokes about jungle animals you can mix them in, but some of the orde...

My Dad's favourite joke to tell over Xmas dinner

Part 1:

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants walking by?
A: Look, there go the elephants

Part 2:

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants walking by with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognise them

Part 3:

Q: What did Tarzan do whe...

What do you call a white guy who grew up in the ghetto?

Tarzan.

Yo mamma is so lazy and dumb...

She thought Jungle Gym was Tarzan's cousin!

Original. You're welcome.

Is it really 2016?

Is it really 2016? I mean Tarzan is playing in theaters, Pokemon is a craze, and a Clinton is running for President of the United States.

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FrankenTarzan

One day, Mighty Tarzan was swinging through the jungle, and crashed into a tree, fell, and hit every branch on the way down. He was just able to crawl to the local witch doctor's hut, and blacked out at the door.

When he awoke, the witch doctor said, "Aah, you're awake!" "What happen doctor?...

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bungle in the jungle

a lady journalist tracks down Tarzan , he consents to give her an interview. After a while she spots that he has a hardon. She asks him what he does for sex. He points to a hole in a nearby tree and explains that this is what he uses for sex. She took of her clothes and told him he was in for a trea...

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